All I want for Christmas

Hmm, that would make for some great kindling for my next fire!

With Sloane not around for the weekend and Miss Madison and I on a holiday budget, nothing big and breaking in the Skipahsphere this weekend.  I could write a lovely blog post on the absolute joy it is putting in storm windows, but that would probably be more boring than a Netflix bender watching Outlander.  With nothing riveting to cover this past weekend, I instead dusted off the Blogger Bible to seek some creative guidance for a blog post.

In the Blogger Bible, it listed a wide range of topics to touch on when you have nothing to write about, but I’m about as knowledgeable on Pinterest tutorials as I am on quantum physics.  I did see one thing that caught my eye though.  With it being Christmas season and me being a blogger, it is mandated that I do a holiday gift idea post.  I found that rather “cliché” so instead I thought about us poor men that have to get the yearly tie and gift card to Lowe’s.  Ladies, take some advice from Skipah on what your loving husband, significant other, or gay best friend would love to see sitting under the Christmas tree in a couple of weeks.  These gifts are guaranteed to make him smile, pick up after himself, and potentially could lead to a nasty breakup/divorce if not monitored properly.  Without further ado, Skipah’s holiday gift guide for the men in your life.

Disclosure:  Some of these are affiliate links so when you don’t click on them I don’t earn any money.  If you do click on them and buy something, I will make about enough to buy my River Link pass. 

Guys are simple creatures.  Pet us, feed us, and buy us a personalized Whiskey Barrel and you will have our heart for life.  A personalized Whiskey Barrel for his man cave/garage is not only going to make him the talk of the next poker game, after that same night of poker when the barrel goes empty, you my female friend, are going to be able to max out the credit card online at Kohl’s or wherever you see fit to spend your plastic money.  He’s not going to have a clue what is going on.  This is a what is known as a win-win for both you and him.  As a bonus, you can bet your ass you will be getting talked up on Facebook like his own special Kate Upton and subject to many other women secretly hating you and talking about you behind your back.

Look out Jack Daniels, there is soon to be a new player in the whiskey business!

Whiskey isn’t his thing?  Maybe ice cold beer or other canned quaffs are.  The next time he and the gents are spending a long weekend at the lake attempting to catch fish, let him proudly beat his chest that his drinks are the coldest when he rolls up to Lake Child Free Weekend sporting his Yeti cooler.  Rumor has it these coolers are used to transport organs with their ability to keep things cold.  I haven’t personally witnessed it first hand, but with your man’s propensity to drink maybe one day this will also come in handy when he needs a new liver!

For an extra fee you can receive an autographed Abominable Snowman version.

You can never go wrong getting him something unique and sports related.  True story, my daughter got me a mini Cincinnati Reds bat on a key chain and I was damn near in tears when it finally broke after clubbing another attorney over the head with it.  That’s the story I told her at least, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it finally swung and missed at its last curveball when it broke.  If your guy isn’t into anything sports related, you are either lucky or I need to call an emergency Man Club meeting to hear his argument before our secret panel before we potentially revoke his membership.

Can also be used to knock the hell out of overzealous Chicago Cub fans!

Marriage, kids, divorce, life, all kinds of things can affect the psyche of your favorite fellow.  Let him feel young, alive, and powerful by channeling his inner Mario Andretti.  Cloud 9 Living is a company I stumbled on in an internet deep dive one day.  Since most of us can’t afford to drive the finest in foreign sports cars, for a small fee Cloud 9 Living will hook your man up to let him feel like his own personal speed racer.  Let him trade in that old pickup truck for an afternoon of burning rubber!  As a blogger, I’ve never so much as heard of this company, I’m currently drafting a letter that will more than likely be rejected because this site has me coo coo for cocoa puffs!

I lied to Santa and said I have been super nice this year, in hopes of a gift certificate showing up in my stocking.  In an unrelated note, Miss Madison is currently jumping up and down like a three-year-old with an overactive bladder trying to diffuse this claim.

All guys have that one friend who is scared to death of his lady, in dude circles it’s known as “PW or P-Dub.”  It’s also pathetic and amusing as someone that has been through a divorce and just wants to smack the living hell out of him.  His gonads sit in a jar on the mantle and his wife/girlfriend might let him so much as look at them on a special occasion.  He isn’t allowed to even watch a Baywatch rerun without fear of his spouse going all Lorena Bobbitt on him.  If you are that woman and reading this, my first thing would be to tell you, “Get A Grip”, but to keep the household in sync, get him the whole set of VH-1: Behind the Music.  You should approve of it unless it involves scantily clad images from when the The Go-Go Girls were relevant and who doesn’t like seeing the story of a musician/band rise from club performers to selling out arenas?  Throw in some scandal, drug addiction, and a manager that screwed them over and your guy will maybe forget that you crushed his soul years ago.

Not allowed to go out with the boys?  Have no fear, you can decide whether Motley Crue or Ozzy Osbourne should be enshrined in the yet to be built Cocaine Hall of Fame in Bogota, Columbia.

On a more positive note, marriage is a beautiful thing.  Two people pledging their eternal love for each other in front of friends and family.  Men, though, love to haze our fellow brethren with the time-honored tradition of the bachelor party.  Sometimes, these little soirees take you to the local Gentleman’s Club.  Personally, throwing out dollar bills at women with stage names that I can find in my spice rack is boring, but by the time the bachelor party ends up there, the soon to be groom could be drinking antifreeze shots with oil chasers and wouldn’t know the difference.  Women, this is where you make your man the life of the party with The Cash Cannon.  We have all heard the term “Make it Rain,” with this handy device he can make it rain fake bills and coupons for the whole entourage.  It will more than likely get him kicked out of the club and you don’t have to worry about any shenanigans!

Adam “Pacman” Jones approved!

You can never and, I repeat, never go wrong getting him a new T.V.  The only caveat is, it better be bigger than his current television!  We get accused of judging our T.V. size with other anatomical parts of our body, but trust me men treat their television size like a badge of honor.  He has a 55 inch UHD television, sounds like a good time to get him a 60 inch!  I can’t stress this enough, we love big T.V.s.   There is no sweeter feeling in the world than going into work on a Monday morning and telling your co-workers that you are now the proud owner of a 70-inch flat screen that you got a hell of a deal on at Best Buy.  The rest of us guys huddle around like it’s a campfire to hear all the latest and greatest things your new television does!  If you really want to win “Woman of the Year,” throw in a wall mounting attachment in his stocking.  I don’t care if it’s forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, or even eighty (I’m now jealous) inches of viewing pleasure.  Anything that big that hangs on the wall needs its own mailbox and, believe me, you can’t wait to see what the postman delivers!

A moment of silence for all us males as we gawk and wish for a minute……..

An assist to Professor Google on the images today, I can’t claim them and the legal department told me I needed to add this disclaimer.

About it for now, ladies give the Mr. Wonderful in your life what he deserves this holiday season.  You want that HGTV inspired remodel done on your bathroom, but are hoping your man suddenly turns into a modern day Amish woodworker because he is much cheaper?  Put one of these gifts under the tree this Christmas and chances are you might just get your wish!

 

 

Send Skipah Sailing!

22 Comments

  1. Men and their needs, haha! Be careful about using images off google, in case they’re copyrighted. I have a chapter in my book that discusses a couple of blogger lawsuits over using images. Better to shoot a whiskey bottle from your phone at Costco (or wherever you buy your whiskey). Hope you get everything on that list, LOL!

    • Thank you for the tip Terri! If I ever become an internet sensation like you I will definitely have to retool this :). Are you telling me I should start a GoFundMe page for the 170 inch T.V.!

  2. Give me vodka….or a car and I’m happy!
    R.C. Liley recently posted…Nutrition is Key: Are You Limiting Your Kids’ Potential?My Profile

  3. Men are easy to please…and cheap 😉
    Jas @All that’s Jas recently posted…Baklava Cheesecake FusionMy Profile

  4. Some very useful gift ideas for the Mere Male 🙂
    sizzlesue15 recently posted…My Christmas Wish for YouMy Profile

  5. I’m not sure about the VH1 special, but the rest of it is definitely legit. That whiskey barrel is unique for sure! Think we can mod that money cannon to shoot real bills? That way when my kids come asking for stuff I can just whip it out and start blasting. That’s what it feels like happens anyway.
    Mike Smith | Sunshine Dad recently posted…My Stroller Walking GroupMy Profile

  6. An 170″ TV would be great. My neighbours could enjoy it too since it’s about 50 inches wider than my apartment.
    Bun Karyudo recently posted…Nothing of NoteMy Profile

  7. FANTASTIC! I need gift ideas this year! I’m seriously over the “tie and socks” bit. And I’m sure he is, too. Thanks!

  8. The whiskey barrel rocks! Wish there was room in this house for a man cave, but, we’d have to share it. Hubby is definitely NOT PW’d. This is a “leash-free” zone. 🙂 Fun post!
    Debbie D. recently posted…THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US!My Profile

  9. Okay the whiskey barrel is seriously awesome!! But I want to know what the heck the Blogger Bible is and why I do not have one?
    Jennifer Kelly recently posted…Quiz: Name That Christmas Movie!My Profile

  10. This may be the most legit buying guide I’ve come across yet. Whiskey and sports, ladies, that’s what it’s all about
    jeremy@thirstydaddy recently posted…Confession of A Sharp Dressed ManMy Profile

  11. HA! What about a dremmel or 3Doodler?? Too lame? 😉
    Shopgirlanonymous recently posted…Exposed: 3 Reasons Direct Sales is not Small BusinessMy Profile

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