Blame it on Rio!

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The pitchers of Caipirinhas are poured, snacks have been delved out (Brazilian nuts of course), and it’s time for the first annual Skipah’s Olympic Bash here at the headquarters in beautiful Madison, Indiana.  No mutant mosquitoes to worry about indoors, the A.C. has it a balmy 69 degrees, and Sloane, Miss Madison and I are in full U.S. regalia ready to watch what could possibly be the most surreal Olympics ever.  I’m so hyped about the event I’m still recuperating from my own personal Brazilian Wax (ouch!)  Let the games begin!

7:30 p.m.

Cue up the Bob Costas and the Olympic Theme song.  I can’t wait to see how NBC’s sugarcoats this complete fiasco known as Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.

O.K., I get it Rio has the famous Jesus statue Christ the Redeemer, 423 showings of it in 30 seconds is enough!

Currently wondering if the Olympic Flame is being fueled with citronella this year?

Is ISIS stupid enough to attempt something crazy tonight, short answer yes, long answer don’t pick on Israel…. ever seen the movie Munich?

Skipah is now wondering if Michael Phelps still smokes hippie lettuce the , Miss Madison is perusing Groupon trying to talk me into a trip to New Orleans.  Sloane working on some kind of craft, she’s turned into a master craft salesman this week.

Who wants a Pretzel coated chicken ring from White Castles?  Not me, but these caipirinhas are going down pretty smoothly, can’t rule it out yet.  Chalk this one up to advertisements I can’t un-see.

7:52 p.m.

David Feherty dodging the giant elephant in the room explaining why many of the world’s best golfers aren’t here.  Umm because the public Wi-Fi at the local McDonald’s is more secure than Rio right now.  Never mind mosquito’s that were genetically engineered from a remote location in Chernobyl!  I’m pretty sure Jordan Spieth is worth 240 trillion dollars, I’m sure he doesn’t mind waiting another four years to suit up for the states in Tokyo without worrying about getting robbed or eaten by mosquitoes.

8:01 p.m.

If you had ever told me I would type a sentence that mentioned Tara Lipinski, Johnny Weir, and Tom Brokaw in it, I would have been more than happy to visit you at the Arkham Sanitarium.  Lindsey Vonn pimping Reese’s I can get on board with that!  Hold that thought Miss Madison just swung a meat cleaver at my head, I meant to say Lindsey Vonn is a no good home wrecking skank.  I’m going to have to hide when the Brazilian Women’s Beach Volleyball team walks out later.

8:08 p.m.

Why is everyone dressed like an extra from a Blue Man Group performance?

8:20 p.m.

Zika is everywhere now, let’s pay homage to the thriving insect life of the rainforest.  Completely makes sense, now pass me the Off and let’s move on!  Also, this shade of green reminds me of that rave I went to in 1996.  It’s the only thing I remember from that night!

8:31 p.m.

My super-duper girlfriend is wondering why the fact that the “white man” from Europe brought over a bunch of diseases that decimated the native population is being glossed over during this slavery bit.  What’s up with going to commercial NBC when they showed the Asian invasion?  Inquiring minds want to know, Be right back, it’s time for a Wikipedia deep dive.

8:39 p.m.

Slight delay in the proceedings, Karma wanted to try her own caipirinha , also what’s up with this revisionist history Brazil?  Orville & Wilbur Wright will make sure to make Pele pay in the afterlife for this.  By the way, it’s a damn shame due to his health he can’t attend the opening ceremony.  He is Mr. Brazil!  Thanks to Karma, my time syncs will be off from the live showing.  There hasn’t been a puppy this misbehaved since Scrappy-Doo.

8:50 p.m.

I’m an Indianapolis Colts fan, Gisele is married to Tom Brady, I don’t care how beautiful she is.  Tom Brady is the devil!  No, I’m not a sore loser…. actually yes I am.

8:53 p.m.

This is going to be the closest I ever get to going to “Da Club” in Rio.  This Q-Bert style montage has me wanting to cut a rug and get my grind on.  Miss Madison just told me to drink another caipirinha and stay parked for the evening.  Although my life goal has been achieved, jamming to some Brazilian rap as always been on my bucket list!    An hour into this and no mention of coffee?

9:13 p.m.

I’m now about 20 minutes behind the live feed, did I mention I’m a proud owner of a puppy?

9:15 p.m.

I’m already sick of Hoda, just thought this needed mentioning.

9:18 p.m.

So modern Brazil is one big party because Gisele is dancing with the masses?  I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid (especially if made with Brazilian water), A political climate that makes the U.S. look civilized and lawlessness that makes 19th century Dodge City seem mundane by comparison.  The all-time bait and switch.

9:22 p.m.

Really?  Climate change on the Olympic stage?  What the hell!  I’ll listen to arguments on either side of this debate, but during the damn Olympics!  Did Al Gore bank another billion for this part?  I’ll take the Brazilian culture and any other country’s culture during the opening ceremonies.  I don’t need hot-button political debate!  Miss Madison just told me to shut up again.

9:29 p.m.

Christopher Woltz is the man!  I already own a Samsung product, but if he was doing commercials for Maxi-Pad there is a good chance I would at least “consider” buying them.  He won me over after Inglourious Basterds.  I’m over 900 words already, the parade of nations better start soon or nobody is going to read this!

9:36 p.m.

Bring on Greece!  The parade has started!

Who designed the German outfits?  I’ve seen better appearances at a medusa look-a-like contest!

Saudi Arabia, way to get with the times and include women athletes.  It’s what 2016?

Argentina delegation looks like an airline pilots Christmas party.

I’ve got a crush on the Aruba flag girl…. don’t tell Miss Madison…shit she saw me type this better keep one eye open when I got to bed now.

Argentina looked like airline pilots, Australia one-upped that.  I could have sworn the last time I flew my stewardess was wearing the same outfit.

9:50 p.m.

Benin?  Dammit Africa quit having uprisings as I have never heard of this country!

Bermuda my wish list home away from home.  Keep rocking those shorts!

Burkina Faso?  I’ll be enrolling in an African geography course in the near future!

10:00 p.m.

Cambodia takes the prize right now for coolest wardrobe.  Rocked the purple!

It’s my neighbors to the north, the syrup drinkers from Canada!  I think they robbed a Royal Mounted Police surplus store before they walked out on the big stage!

Chile, cue up the Don’t Cry for Me Argentina!  I’m not sure if Mr. Pinochet would approve of this festive atmosphere!

Stop it’s China time!  I don’t see the Walmart sales rep with them.  Hopefully, their gymnasts aren’t cheating this year.

Comoros?  My African geography class can’t get here soon enough!

I will say it never gets old seeing the African countries (the ones I know about and the countries that are on their 75th name change) celebrate their heritage with the wild color combos they wear.

10:15 p.m.

Denmark:  Caroline Wozniacki…. all is good.  Hold on suffering from a mild concussion, the brick Miss Madison just hit me with left a mark.

Rafael Nadal just replaced Derek Jeter as Skipah’s favorite man crush.  Welcome to the Rio Olympics Spain.

10:35 p.m.

Did I mention I have a new puppy and had to put Sloane to bed, back to the parade of nations.

Woot Woot!  Suck it world!  It’s the U.S.A. granted our clothing choices look like a GAP advertisement.  I swear we look like we escaped from some kind of uppity yacht club.

What is in the water in Finland!  Gorgeous gals :), shut up naysayers Miss Madison even agreed with me!

Viva La France!

11:00 p.m.

Georgia (not the state) must be living in the stone ages.  Turtlenecks and long dresses for the summer Olympics?  #Prudes

It’s the British Invasion!  Linda, Lucy and Vicky control yourselves!  Martyn, I’m rooting for you to medal in the fencing competition!

Honduras looks happier than a two peckered Billy goat!  Festive is definitely in play here.

Hungary’s women are rocking their dresses; the men must have missed the aforementioned airline pilots meeting.

How in the hell does Indonesia have 256 million citizens and only 28 Olympic athletes?  That’s craziness, I’m relocating there for the 2020 games just to qualify for the Olympics in some obscure sport.

Ireland, what in the hell are you dressed up as?  That get up would get you disqualified at a Halloween costume party.

Jamaica mon.  Usain Bolt isn’t marching tonight L, I heard a rumor that dude is lightning quick.

Japan is up, my Wikipedia deep dive informed me that Brazil has more Japanese natives than any were in the world not named Japan.  Who knew!

11:15 p.m.

These caipirinhas are starting to kick me in the ass.  Africa what in the hell has happened since I was in high school?  I thought I was pretty good at geography, then tonight happened!

Mongolia completely rocking the yellow, I like yellow, I was once offered an opportunity to model for Bloggers Digest in yellow.  I also am a former Powerball winner and the creative mind behind Llamas with Hats.  You could say yellow and I are “tight” or I’m full of the same crap the rowing competitors will be participating in.

Nepal has a 13-year-old swimmer, youngest competitor in the Olympic Games, I hope the Dahli Llama approved.

I had to restrain Miss Madison, she went batshit crazy over seeing her Scandinavian peeps from Norway.  This isn’t the Winter Olympics, but I’m pretty sure she would completely rock the dresses they were wearing.

Cue up Van Halen, it’s time for Panama to enter the arena.

11:30 p.m.

It’s Russia time!  A moment of silence for Hammy.  I think his lasting legacy will be he engineered the Russian Doping Scandal.  That little rodent was always trying to get a gambling advantage.  R.I.P. Hammy, I miss you daily and your bastard child Blueberry Muffin isn’t nearly cool as he was!

Seychelles?  Damn, I can’t join that African class soon enough!

Sierra Leone, I’ve seen Blood Diamond, you people are savages!

11:45 P.M.

I’m sleepy, Miss Madison is recovering from the first day of school, but holy moly the Swedes just entered the arena followed by the Swiss.  #EyeCandy

The Czechs went inner New York Yankees with their pinstripes,

Tuvalu?  Do they even get the internet there?

Ukraine has beautiful women; they can tell Putin to kiss their ass!   Miss Madison is asleep now I can TV ogle without getting a concrete block thrown at me.

12:00 A.M.

The Refugee Olympic Team is cooler than a winter morning in Minnesota.

Bring on Brazil!  The men look like they are ready to attend a Frat social.  The gals are beautiful and rocking the faux grass patterned skirts.

About it, for now, the 25 caipirinha drinks have kicked my ass, time to get to bed.  Thanks for reading as always,  I hope I made the Olympic experience enjoyable for everyone.

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39 Comments

  1. I clearly need to try that caipirinha recipe! 🙂

  2. I never even considered watching the Olympic Opening Ceremonies before I married my husband. I mean, who does that?! Apparently me now. 🙂 Usually they’re pretty awesome with the effects and such. This year’s were pretty awful. (And I was living in Atlanta in ’96…embarrassing!) This might have been worse, though.
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  3. oh my goodness, you are cracking me up. My three year old daughter gave it a once over and called it her “favorite”. haha!
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  8. I certainly did control myself – I haven’t watched any of the Olympics yet! I don’t really watch sports. I didn’t even watch the last one despite us hosting it! I saw a little bit of the opening & closing ceremonies of the London one & that was it. Paul McCartney made me angry. Jessie J taking over for Freddie Mercury made me angry. But I did learn that Burma is now Mayanmar. Would never have known that if it wasn’t for the Olympics. It took a bit of googling after my mum & I both went ‘where the hell is Myanmar?!’

  9. Got to love the Olympics for improving the world’s geographical knowledge. I had a quick look on a map to see where Benin was. Incidentally, do you have a new, puppy? I’m just asking because I don’t think you mentioned it (apart from those three times). 😀

  10. I didn’t watch opening night, but now I feel like I did. I’ve tuned in a couple of times and it was always focused on beach volley ball which is the sport of choice for whatever network is carrying the Olympics this year. I don’t understand why the women had skimpy outfits and the men were wearing basketball shorts. Sorry Gary, I am a big Tom Brady fan and he was innocent. LOL

  11. Not into watching the Olympics, myself. I did read on the internet that a U.S.A. female took a gold medal for her skills with a rifle (Guys I advise you not to anger her!)

    My geopgraphy skills have sucked all my life, that was even before countries started changin their names! I do not envy a child in school trying to learn geography these days at all.

  12. I missed the opening ceremonies, so I’m very thankful you caught me up on what I missed. I feel like I was right there with all of you watching it too!

  13. I dearly love watching the Olympics, but I forgot to record the Opening ceremonies! Duh! Thanks for the blow-by-blow!

  14. Haha! Great post. I love the “citronella” line (which I envisioned coming out of the statue)

  15. So funny. I had the same thoughts about countries I never heard of. How in this day and age can that be? So glad Giselle knows how to walk… isn’t that special. (Yes, meow). All in all, loved the ceremony and its wonderful to see the people of the world coming together and not trying to blow each other up.

  16. Greetings from one of your northern neighbour syrup-drinkers! 😀 I missed the opening ceremonies, so thanks for the running commentary. The Caipirinhas look refreshing and your puppy is adorable. Thanks for dropping by The Doglady’s Den and liking some of my posts. Cheers!

  17. Thank you for the recap Gary – I knew there was a reason I did not watch – you provided me all I needed to know – and in a much smaller amount of time. Happy day my friend! 🙂

  18. Seeing the Olympics through your caipirinhas eyes is quite interesting!

  19. I haven’t watched a lick of it, and I suppose this was more entertaining than the real thing anyway. 🙂

  20. Holy crap, I’ll be laughing from reading this for a long time! Damn Rio….and those drinks!

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