Product placement the future of blogging!
Florida Governor Rick Scott, you, my friend, are a pussy! You have just become the new face for Summer’s Eve! Sorry if this offends anyone, but this politician is more store-bought than a set of fake breasts! Florida SB 668, after zipping right through the House and Senate in his state, was vetoed by the good governor. What the hell, Mr. Scott, did the National Organization for Women offer you an under the table slow jerk or what? Is the Florida Bar Association promising you 24-7 tutorial on fellatio?
Even my new friend thinks Rick Scott is a wuss!
From what research I’ve done on this bill, it was a mainly grassroots campaign. Governor Scott, you just pissed off a whole sector of voters who are new to politics, good luck on that future Senate campaign funded by the Florida Bar Association. You’re done asshole, go seek employment with N.O.W. since you just made their wall of fame I’m sure! If #MyBabyTooBill get to Indianapolis, passes the House and Senate by staggering margins, and then gets vetoed by the sitting governor, you can bet your ass things are going to get real in Indiana on the internet!
Disclaimer: Skipah loves women and does not belittle whatever positive contributions N.O.W. makes to society. However, they were celebrating about the news that dads don’t deserve the right for assumed 50/50 custody in the divorce process until proven otherwise. Divorcing dads, I said, not baby mamma drama cases! As for the Florida Bar Association, you can duck my stick anytime you want!
Rant over: Status Quo is now roughly 2726-0 against common sense when it comes to children and custody. Maybe Ashton Kutcher can mount a campaign against this absurdity; he had quite the run last year on public bathrooms not having changing tables in men’s restrooms! Ashton, if you are reading this, I loved you as Kelso and thought you did an admirable job in a no-win situation replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Plus, anything that could potentially land me an autograph with Mila Kunis, I’m definitely going to help promote!
The C & G Quarry Cafe has been running like a fine tuned machine!
Not to go all John Lennon on you for a second, but it’s been “Strange Days” indeed in my hidey hole of the internet. For some reason more and more people keep reading this daily dribble (thank you, I’ve got Hammy working on appreciation letters), and it’s quite humbling. Newbie bloggers ask me questions and feel like they are “invading” my space. Hey there young Padua, we’ve all been there before, I’m not Mr. Super Blogger. Don’t let me or anybody else that has a bunch of “likes” or “comments” scare you off. We all started out with no clue what we were writing about or why we started doing this. Keep doing your thing and if you want to ask Mr. Skipah about something, please feel free. I’ve been in the trenches long enough that if I don’t know the answer, I am sure there is somebody in the neighborhood that will.
The blogging community is about the least competitive group of ego driven traffic whores on the planet. We trade tips and techniques all day like two lawyers sitting at a bar coercing talking about epic battles in family law. New blogger, we don’t bite, and feel free to ask the stupidest and silliest of questions. We all had piss running down our leg the first time we ever hit the almighty publish button. What you read out of most of us today, you wouldn’t even recognize our material when we first began. Welcome to the club, now get comfortable with your surroundings and take a few notes from Mr. Skipah.
Since I’ve been doing this close to two years, people think I’m an expert. I’m not, but it is still flattering nonetheless. Here are some Skipah tips for the new folks ready to go swimming in the cyber ocean.
Best month ever! Digging the new Google Analytics app update also.
Self-Host if you can afford it. Your website just became your baby and isn’t a slave to anyone! Plus you don’t have any filters to worry about (maybe a libel suit if you call a sitting governor a pussy), and possibly one day down the road, you will find a niche that actually earns you some coin. Free hosting sites are very nice, but if Pepsi wants to pay you to write a post for them, the lords of WordPress & Google are going to want their cut also. As an added bonus you have a plethora of tools at your disposal self-hosting if you have to occasionally neutralize a pesky stalker!
If you are a new blogger, use the WordPress platform for blogging. The WordPress community is awesome, and if you are blogging under their flag in the internet ocean, you are already linked up with a zillion bloggers. You just have to go find them; it takes more than a telescope and treasure map, but they are out there, and you can start getting followers and traffic almost immediately. I’ve never used any other platform, so I don’t want to say anything bad about the WordPress competitors, but I will say commenting on a Google Blogger account requires 26 pieces of information and a background check at times!
Affiliate ads are freaking awesome for about one day. You get to tell your friends that you are so freaking cool because you get to run Amazon and Best Buy ads on your site. Unless you are ramming home 500,000 page views a month you can expect to make about $0.01 dollars from these. Look at it this way—when you are on a website reading an article, do you ever click on the ads? Nope, didn’t think so. Using a few is O.K., but don’t turn your website into a scrolling banner for the latest deals at Gymboree. However, apply to every major network there is. Amazon, LinkShare, Share-A-Sale, and Commission Junction just to name a few. If you have an account with them, you have access to a ton of retailers. Next time Christmas rolls around and you are feeling like spending some money, drop an obscure link somewhere on your site and have a friend or family member access that site through your blog. You earn yourself money by shopping for you, and that is a good thing the last time I checked. As an added bonus you literally become a “professional” shopper since you are getting paid to shop!
Trust me this works—Miss Madison has a small Zulily addiction (plus a TMZ addiction, but that is a story for another time) and she’s bought me more dinner than she knows about shopping for discounted kids clothing. Before I get called a hypocrite, there isn’t one ad on my site that I don’t make a little something from. Not exactly Rockefeller money, but hopefully one day, newbie blogger, you get some monetary love from page views.
Put pictures on your blog. Don’t ask me how to be a PicMonkey ninja though; editing, cropping, resizing, proper saturation, etc.… is out of my league, which leads me to my next point.
Make friends with mommy/female bloggers. Guy bloggers, I can’t stress this enough! Yes, sometimes you will have to scroll through 24 straight posts promoting the latest #campaign or product reviews, but girls know their shit when it comes to photo editing! Plus, since only about 12% of the male population knows how to properly use Pinterest, ask any female blogger about it, and you will feel like you are sitting in a college level philosophy class. Mr. new male blogger, the blogger bible handbook section two, paragraph six mandates you must have a Pinterest account to gain traffic to your site.
Don’t count on Facebook to get your message out, because Mort is like Levon and likes his money too. However, there are countless Facebook blogging groups to engage in that will see your content exclusively. Somehow this silly rabbit landed in a group of few men and made up of mainly mid-life women bloggers. I wouldn’t have it any other way; those ladies keep me buying new hats on a daily basis for my ever expanding head. They treat me like a rock star (I have no idea why) and I try to provide some “male” comic relief. There are a zillion other things to touch upon, but that’s the joy of blogging learning these things for yourself!
About it for now, I’m currently starting an offshoot line of voodoo dolls in Governor Rick Scott’s name and need to get to work on that. Plus Miss Madison has turned in to my personal Lady Gaga and is literally “Living for the Applause” after her first product review was received with critical acclaim by the lifestyle page of the New York Times. That following sentence may or may not be true. Just two more days left until I get my favorite diva (Sloane) back for the weekend, and trust me this upcoming one has a chance to be epic. More to come later, but late April and early May in this neck of the world channels its inner Will Smith and gets jiggy with it!
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LOL You got it 🙂
Preach jean! Dinner is on me next time I’m in your neck of the woods!
Making a mental not to make sure I’m not eating or drinking something when I’m reading any comments you make. I’ve going to keep a dry cleaner in business and my IT department is going to get sick of ordering me new keyboards. Miss Madison is cool with everything LOL, she cracks up when I show her our FB conversations. Yeah Rick Scott is a tool!
Oh, my Skipah, I’m so dizzy I want to swoon! But of course, I was entertained the whole time. As usual. There is so much I want to say that it would take me all day to say it, but: I hate that you are going through that custody crap.Hate hate hate it because you are a good guy. I love that you have been adopted by our women (and me!) and for good reason-you hare hilarious! Your advice is excellent. Oh, and speaking of piss? Piss on Rick Scott. That’s it for now. Smooches to you and Miss Madison! Tell her thanks for sharing her man with us! We are all partnered up with nonbloggers, so you’re our fix of male blogging. Even for us lesbians. Probably. No, not a lesbian. But want to be inclusive of course.
Thanks Stacy 🙂
Great post Mr Blogging Guru 🙂
As a mom still hitched to the father, I just have to say that I’m on your side on this. Moms are NOT always the “better” of the parents, and it is not right that the government can make this open declaration that fathers have to fight for their right to BE fathers. Utterly ridiculous.
If you look up douche in the dictionary, yup, his picture is there.
From everything I’ve read he’s sounds like a major league douche!
As a Florida resident, I believe that Rick Scott is an embarrassment. His former company was fined for millions in Medicare fraud. His current company, a lab, is the sole contractor for mandatory drug testing for Florida residents receiving assistance. He has been a terrible governor.
Amen on Florida Joey!
That was quite a rant, Skipah! I’m sorry about yer bill, but it’s Florida. Let’s hope things go a bit differently for Indiana dads.
LOL. You do. I felt so bad for him. He told me that I’m not the norm. I don’t go in trying to do joint custody.
He and I aren’t going to be having tea anytime soon.
Rick Scott. Don’t get me started.
Good advice for bloggers. 🙂
You and I are the old guys now LOL
This is good advice even for bloggers who have been at it for a while. Nice job man! Oh, and that grill was full of some awesome food!
National Organization for Women
No Scott Vetoed it, it’s “presumed” 50/50 in divorce if your ex is a moron it will be dispelled quickly in court.
Hope you and your little girl have a memorable weekend! Both you and she deserve spending quality time together.
What exactly is N.O.W. ? Tend to be clueless on important acronyms!
Wait, what was the bill again? No 50-50 unless it’s proven they’re capable? YAY!!!!!! That’s right down my alley!!! sry Gary, no offense to you or the other dads, but my case is different for sure! Did the bill pass?
Hmm, interesting… (Scratches chin thoughtfully)
Your male friend and I should meet for dinner and drinks. Sounds like we have some stories to share :).
Something about a hostile takeover Tokyo is all I got from him.
Ain’t that the truth. My male friend said that. He said that family court is different from every other court and the assumption is always that the mom is better than the dad so we get screwed.
Goodness, Hammy is one well-connected rodent! I had no idea Abe-san was taking such a close interest in me. I just hope he’s not pinning his hopes of saving the Japanese economy on taxing my blogging millions.
The WordPress community is awesome, and what do you mean you don’t know what you are doing LOL. I was reading the Japanese prime minister’s daily intelligence briefing (don’t ask, Hammy has some pull) and you had a whole paragraph dedicated to you. As far as I know the POTUS isn’t reading my stuff!
All the “advocacy” groups, i.e.. family law golden egg collectors, have much more influence than the law should allow. The bill basically gave the “presumed” notion of 50/50 custody in divorces cases. If mom or dad took meth like I take Flonase they could easily lose there 50/50 presumption. Lawyers have to keep the deck stacked so they can keep taking vacations to Hawaii and driving fancy cars.
Well, it worked for ya!
I am all over the place, don’t you just hate when you get in a groove, then get 700 distractions over the course of two days and finally get something together to post.
I was particularly interested in the blogging tips because I’ve been at it for just over a year now and I’m still not very sure what I’m doing. I have to agree with you about WordPress, though. It’s a super-friendly place once you make some friends.
Great tips and that is ridiculous that the Governor vetoed the bill. Why shouldn’t we want to share our kids? It took two to make them.
Well, Skipah is just all over the place this morning 🙂 Great advice for bloggers and congrats on your page views! Hey! I just self-hosted and moved from WP dot com to dot org. For a fee they did all the heavy lifting for me, I just set up my new domain in Blue Host. Re-branding. Heading back to BS Love next month! Check me out! http://secondwindleisure.com/