I dared her to get a selfie with a Lemur while she was at the zoo, never underestimate her craftiness!
It was fun while it lasted. Spring Break 2017 style wasn’t long enough, but then again, they never are. Sloane, Miss Madison, Turtle Man, Miss Madison Jr., and the Skipah had so much fun we have been outlawed in various spots all over the area. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. (That was for my ex-wife who is still clueless on how this Co-Parenting thing works.) When you have custody of your child, have fun with them, don’t treat them like an inmate at Folsom Prison.
The past week was awesome, Indiana should make it a law that dads get Spring Break get every year! At least this dad, I mean how many dads get to explain to a nine-year-old what a drug bust is? True story: Friday night while enjoying the finest in food at the Courtyard Grill in Madison, we got to witness a full blown undercover sting operation culminate with a couple of peeps getting taken down in front of the courthouse. The hilarious part of this story was earlier that week we saw the Madison Police Department enjoying dinner at a local restaurant. Ten of Madison finest were in uniform, except for one guy that stood out like a city slicker at the latest FFA convention. I immediately pointed this out to Miss Madison and said he must be undercover. Lo and behold, when the bust was going down, who showed up you may be wondering? That would be the guy dressed like an extra on the set of a Cheech and Chong movie and looked eerily similar to the same person that was eating dinner with the local law enforcement. Just a bit of randomness in what would be a great ending to Spring Break.
I tried to interview the arresting officer for a blogger showcase on the local police deparment, Miss Madison is now seeking treatment for eye damage after the optic nerve snapped for the epic eye rolled that idea garnered.
That was only the start to a rocking weekend! Friday night Turtle Man was off to his first ever sleepover (age five) so it was a rambunctious night of Quarters with pitchers of Arnold Palmer’s (for all you Master’s buffs) going down so smoothly all of us were in a full-fledged sugar coma before the night was over. Throw in some ultra-competitive games of Kahoot, and I flexed more trivia muscles than Mr. Atlas! Or I’m way out of touch with modern pop culture and took a trivia curb stomping not seen since the days of Ken Jennings on Jeopardy. Friday night was more epic than the last public relations board meeting at United Airlines.
In the broadcast business, this is known as a “segway,” and not the motorized scooter kind. What the hell, United Airlines! You overbooked a flight, I’m no expert on the business of aviation but there must be a better way to handle it then dragging an Asian doctor out against his will for a puddle jump flight from Chicago to Louisville. For what you are about to pay out in a lawsuit, I’m thinking a private chartered flight for one lucky passenger would cost you considerably less than what is coming your way. Trust me that guy spent the past 48 hours getting wined and dined from every lawyer in the country. Unfortunately, I have a future date on United due to some past piss poor customer service and flying for free always beats paying, but don’t worry if I get asked to be bumped from one of their flights I’ll be compensated royally before I agree!
Where were we, ah yes, Saturday. Saturday morning, I oversaw taking the girls to the Hickory Creek Nursing Home annual Easter Egg hunt. Personally, I think Easter Egg hunts are stupid, but two girls that still think this giant bunny magically shows up every Easter would disagree. Not since Generals Omar Bradley and George S. Patton hit the European theater has two people surveyed a battlefield for a maximum yield on plastic eggs filled with candy. These two conniving future headaches for boys (or girls I don’t judge) had devised a plan to run to the far end of the egg garden to grab as many as they could while most the kids were picking the low hanging fruit. Have I mentioned Sloane gets straight A’s and Miss Madison Jr. practically teaches her fourth-grade class? Proud dad/future stepdad moment for sure watching these two use their collective intelligence to outdo the field on egg gathering. Also, if you are showing up to an Easter egg hunt after being a crash test dummy at Tattoo Charlie’s, enough face piercings to scare Medusa, and a T-shirt that reads front to back “Loading the dishwasher means getting the misses drunk,” you should probably take your kid somewhere else. I’m sure somewhere a mother is choking on her own vomit and a dad is entering the witness protection program. Before the “ink” posse starts rounding up their troops, I don’t care if you have ink, but do you really need a full body dragon dangling nun-chucks and breathing fire? Asking for a friend of course!
Brains over brawn always wins!
From there I bid adieu to the special ladies in my life as Miss Madison had them ready to take selfies with Siberian Tigers and African Elephants at the Louisville Zoo that day. I had to hang back to pick up the Turtle Man from his junior bachelor party. I also got to live out a fantasy of wrestling a power washer and cleaning gutters. Some folks fantasize about winning the lottery, Kama Sutra positions with horny jackals, me I’ve always wanted to manhandle a power washer. I told you it was an awesome weekend! The girls didn’t fall into the lion pit, and I may or may not have cursed unmentionables to the power washer every time the mist sprayed me in the face. Thankfully the Turtle Man was there to help, and he was more excited to see me try out my new mower after we finished up gutter duty.
No ducklings were hurt in the writing of this post, although the Turtle Man was bound and determined to take one home.
Saturday night, the girls got sucked into the Whoopi Goldberg classic (said no one ever) Sister Act, so while I had a planned skit prepared for them and the Turtle Man on a future product review #foreshadowing, it was all good seeing Sloane comfortable in her surroundings. Besides the turtle man crashed and burned from his previous night of playing Party Rock is in the House Tonight. His eyes couldn’t keep up and even though they are every day “shuffling” they shuffled to the closed position much earlier than usual for him.
For an encore performance on Sunday before I returned Sloane to her Kentucky prison, it was nothing but fun in the sun for us. The girls are giddy about upcoming vacations and were bending over backwards to “earn” money for future trips. Hello slave labor and let the good times roll! Before I took Sloane back to her “other” house she was adding up the dollars in her head she will get to spend at Grandma Tommy’s this summer. Miss Madison and I could literally eat off the floor if we were such the savages others have made us out to be thanks to our offspring. Plus, our goofy puppy Karma, got a bath that probably will require therapy for her. If anybody knows of a good dog therapist let me know! It only involved a broken leash due to shear strength, H2O that would rival Greenland tap water in the winter it was so frigid, and enough soap that could have cleaned the mouths out of children in three countries.
Another weekend and another #DadWin for me!
About it for now, it was a great week having Sloane around, even better seeing her and Miss Madison form a bond that a jackhammer couldn’t bust. Out of her biological parents, I’m pretty sure she would choose her grandma or Miss Madison to live with. That’s O.K. with me, I plan on living with Miss Madison until the day I die! Don’t ever underestimate Sloane, she has more resolve at the age of nine than I ever had at the age of forty! This is Skipah, one proud dad, checking out for now!