My Favorite Elf is Getting Shelved For Now

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The absolute dumbest idea to hit retail since the Chia Pet!

It was a great run while it lasted.  The future veterinarian baron of the Midwest, or more namely my daughter, has graced me with her presence the last three weekends.  Thanks to Thanksgiving being a dad year, my Little Miss Sunshine has been on a three-weekend furlough from her own personal Pelican Bay SuperMax Prison.  With details I learned this weekend, Pelican Bay might be a tad soft, but I’m in a good mood so no reason to go on a classic Skipah rant .  As this was our final weekend together until Christmas Day, who better to spend it with than Miss Madison and the gang.

First though, Miss Madison and I were already committed to another event early Saturday afternoon.  Since Sloane loves her some grandma time more than dogs love licking their nether regions, she and her little gang of marauders were more than happy to let Miss Madison and I take in some “adult” fun for a couple of hours.  You hear “adult” fun and I know most of you have minds that have been stopping up gutters for years, but it wasn’t that kind of adult fun.  It was more like The Book Of Mormon on Broadway-Louisville, KY style!

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I don’t think this is Joseph Smith approved, in fact, I’m willing to wager just about anything that is wasn’t.

Time to break character for a second and go all honorable Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

Skipah’s Log:  Stardate 12/3/16

To add some more diversity in my portfolio, Admiral Skipah and his crew were on a mission to seek out the Kentucky Center for the Arts solar system to witness first-hand the Tony-award winning production of The Book of Mormon.  Initial intelligence from Star Fleet Command had told us to prepare to laugh and if offended easily, head to the next star system.  After jettisoning our younger cargo, First Mate Kate and I decided to investigate this phenomenon in the KCOA star system.  With our phasers set to stun, we had Lt. Karma  teleport us to the front steps.  What happened next would involve a change of undergarments due to untimely liquid leakage, and seeking out area EMT’s for cracked ribs from being doubled over in laughter.

Okay, Gene Roddenberry has permission to kick me in the nuts if we meet in the afterlife, but …. holy Elder Arnold Cunningham what a great time.  I haven’t laughed that hard and long since the last time I read a Family Law Statute.  If you are one of my Mormon readers, I can completely understand if you are offended by this production.  If you aren’t Mormon and need to laugh, go and see it as soon as possible when the production rolls into your town.  Your non-theater types, treat this one as a giant standup comedy troupe with music and amazing sets, trust me you will be coughing up your innards.  If you are a South Park fan, you will especially love it, since Matt Parker and Trey Stone were part of the group that wrote it.

Once Miss Madison and I regained our composure and picked up the offspring, it was off to dinner, but first I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how much I giggle when seeing the Miss Madison effect on Sloane.  Last week during the Thanksgiving long weekend, Sloane and my most beautiful girlfriend (that should keep me from sleeping on the floor for a day) did a little shoe/boot shopping.  Taking advantage of some Black Friday deals on the finest in footwear, Sloane suddenly had the interest to try and be interviewed for the online publication Boots, Shoes, and Fashion.  Long gone are the days of that raggedy old denim addiction the hicks in her life forced on her.  My baby girl is getting sophisticated!

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I had to draw the line when she was adamant about sleeping in them!

If lost in New Albany, Indiana one day and have a hankering for some Japanese cuisine, look no further than Tomo Japanese Restaurant!  It was hibachi love for all of us, and in an unrelated note, my eyes are currently filled with fried rice.  Also, Mr. Tomo, I am fully expecting some comped dinner next time I show up for the name drop!  I could care less because I would sell my liver to enjoy their fine cuisine.  Sloane absolutely loves the place (she and I don’t get to frequent it like we used to), and I turned all the Miss Madisonions into fans after having a blast watching our chef singe our eyebrows and wowing the kids with the world-famous Mt. Onion volcano.  My next “dad” moment in life is going to be introducing Sloane to sushi, I’m currently at buying her a pony to get her to try it.  Hopefully, in the next year, I can get the negotiations in my favor!

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How can you say no to a restaurant that dabbles in inferno style cooking!

Next up was a stop at America’s playground of Charlestown, Indiana.  Actually, nobody considers it a playground unless they are into nefarious things, but they do know how to rock some Christmas cheer.  Apparently, Santa’s elves ate some raw chicken and came down with food poisoning when they visited this little small hidey hole in Indiana, because they puked up more Christmas cheer than a free trip to the North Pole.  The kiddos were in seventh heaven, and Miss Madison was threatening to leak photo-shopped pictures of me modeling women’s clothing if I didn’t put my cell phone away.

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Residents of the area get some Christmas cheer, and the electric company is cutting bonus checks!

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I lost (as usual) on the cell phone threats, after taking in the lights it was off for some ice skating.  At least we thought it was ice skating.  Stand by while I look up the definition of ice skating!

Per Dictionary.com:

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Ice skating is supposed to be on ice!  You learn the hard way if you fall, your tailbone crashes on frozen water.  It hurts like hell!  It also teaches you to either learn how to master the art of ice skating or you are like me and say, “I’ll sit this one out.”  In Charlestown, Indiana, ice skating is plastic planks interlocked.  I don’t know if they rubbed them down with Astroglide or what, but it wasn’t ice.  The kids didn’t mind at all, but I freaking did!  I saw no future Peggy Fleming or Brian Boitano on this crap surface.  When you fall on ice, you get up and knock off the shavings.  When you fall on cut up plastic, you cringe because your kid just got their best pair of clothes filthy!  I’m sure this isn’t the only place that advertises “ice skating” only to be performed on something you bought at Crate and Barrel.  I got over it quickly, because watching Sloane have that much fun was better that time I burned down my backyard!

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This not an approved surface of the NHL!

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About it for now, I’m off to secretly destroy every Elf on the Shelf to save parents another year of “Oh shit” moments when lying in bed and forgetting to move the little crumb snatcher to a new a exotic locale in your house.  This has me thinking, I wonder how our elf would do if he spent the night in the dog crate?  They are supposed to me magical after all…right?

Send Skipah Sailing!

41 Comments

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  3. Loved all of this, from Book of Mormon to destroying the elves (sorry, Target). The hubs & I spent most of that show looking at each other with a stunned wtf, did they REALLY just say that?! look…good times. I’ve nominated you for the Lovely Blog Award, details are here: https://riddlefromthemiddle.com/2016/12/13/7-facts-and-a-lovely-compliment/. Have a wonderful December!

  4. Am really glad I left home long before the Elf on the Shelf idiocy started! Am pretty sure I would have been forced to relocate the damn creature each night. Think it would have ended up some where in the manure pit each time!

    Agree with the idea of relocating yours to the dog’s residence! Dog farts in my experience can singe your eye brows right off!
    hallenterprises132 recently posted…Have You Ever Had an Earworm?My Profile

  5. I’m so pleased my kids were a bit too old for Elf on a Shelf. The whole thing reminds me somehow of the East German secret police. I would like to see The Book of Mormon musical, though. It sounds absolutely unique.
    Bun Karyudo recently posted…Why My Socks Are Not Top DrawerMy Profile

  6. Although I admit to laughing at parents across the world scrambling to remember the damn elf I have to confess to a self imposed ritual far worse. Involved a letter arriving on dec 1st every year with introduction to kids personal elf of the year. Then each day there were riddles which lead to gifts – got a bit out of hand over the years – like the time I actually drove to the restaurant we would be visiting later for dinner and paid the staff to be in on the riddles and gift:)
    Looking forward to reading more. Although I fully admit to being one of the crazy ass gender according to Shawn (BF) I am one of the good ones 🙂
    Cheers!
    Meg (aka bbhwithms.com)

  7. I had not ever heard of ” the elf on the shelf” until I had grandkids. My sons wish I had not given it to the grandkids. They say it is a pain in the @@$!
    Roy Miller recently posted…How To Get A Free Online EducationMy Profile

  8. I have never seen those plastic skate rings, they look really annoying

  9. I finally got my husband and kids to try a hibachi place when someone gave us a gift certificate to one. Now, they LOVE it! We find Groupons to feed our habit. 🙂
    Susan Landry recently posted…Christmas Cookies: Host a Cookie Baking DayMy Profile

  10. Thats got to be plastic skating. Which I believe has not definition. I love the boots!
    AnnaRosenblumPalmer recently posted…New Math, Old MiseryMy Profile

  11. Our elf used to get into the liquor cabinet. He was so bad that the residents of Christmas Town tied him to a Christmas railroad track.
    Jennifer recently posted…Yoga Is Not About The PoseMy Profile

  12. Well you DO have a lot going on in this post! Elf on a what??? And isn’t it cold enough to ice skate on real ice out there in the Indie hinterlands? At the community college I attended in San diego, it had a fake ski slope for ski practice. Yikes!

  13. Good God, Gary! I am exhausted just reading this. Off for a sleep now!
    Carol Cassara recently posted…Any given momentMy Profile

  14. We had ice-less skating at the college I used to work at for the students to unwind during finals. It was absurd. Just as absurd as the elf; I’d like to say that’s one tradition I’ll avoid but I’ve learned as a parent to never say never.

    • The iceless skating just befuddled me, why not just call it outdoor roller skating and let them were old school skates. Keep on rocking the anti-elf kick. Emergency room visits have to triple this time of year from frantically running around trying to move the damn thing!

  15. The boots look super cool Sloane! 😊 👍 You most definitely have got the approval of Boots Shoes And Fashion!
    As for the Book of Mormon – my daughter & her fiance saw the show in London – she said it was a fab show! I was put off by the title … although I know you should never judge a “book” by its cover! Or in this instance, a show….
    Lastly, I don’t do elves … naughty or otherwise, bah humbug!
    lindahobden recently posted…An Interview With Mo EndfieldMy Profile

  16. Hate that Elf, should have brought him to the inferno dinner! Love the shoutout to Linda <3
    Christina recently posted…An Epic Fail??My Profile

  17. So glad to hear she’s over the denim thing! I think I’ll have to give the book of mormon a chance as I could go for a nice laugh and I’m not mormon!

    Agree with elf on the shelf, stupid commercialized everything!
    RC Liley recently posted…Perfect Gift Ideas for Your BossMy Profile

    • That denim jacket may or may not have found a campfire outside of the house. Book of Mormon is a damn riot pal, but you probably want to leave Avery at home. Also Dad tip since Avery is coming into her own. Do not ever let her see an American Girl Doll catalog or an Elf on the Shelf advertisement!

  18. Just reading your blog posts give me a chuckle. I love reading about what you and your daughter [who you lovingly refer to as Miss Madison] get up to. If you two aren’t having fun on your weekends together, you sure have a funny way of showing it. Great post as usual. Happy Holidays!!!
    Sparkyjen recently posted…Truth Moment Monday!My Profile

  19. I hate the elf.
    I have never seen the weird plastic skate rink thing. I am sad. I can’t even with my sadness. I’m glad they liked it, though.
    A girl and her boots, Gary, you must understand.
    I would LOVE to see the show, the lights, and I need me some hibachi! 😀
    joey recently posted…Chihuly & Stuff at The Children’s MuseumMy Profile

  20. I had that moment this morning, you know the one of “oh shit, the elf is still riding on the biplane in the tree…” But then I remembered my three year old touched him and, according to legend, sucked the magic straight out of him, and we still haven’t written our apology letter yet asking santa to replenish our elf’s magic and we will never do it again! ;D Looks like y’all had a blast! So glad the good times continue to be so incredibly great!

  21. You sure do pack a lot into a weekend. Ya’ll had a blast.
    Tikeetha T recently posted…Blessings at Christ HouseMy Profile

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