NO! You can still buy Chia Pets, but not Diet Dr. Pepper?
It’s been a couple of months and, boy oh boy, the internet hasn’t gotten this juicy since a good Kardashian scandal. No, I’m not talking about another President Trump Twitter rant. More like another round of Skipah Search Engine Posts,! The latest, greatest, and downright certifiably insane search terms that landed some unfortunate soul on the front door of my peaceful little digital mansion. Without further ado, here are the best and not so brightest internet users!
DIET DR. PEPPER SHORTAGE:
It’s no secret these 23 flavors have sometimes been referred to as the “nectar of the gods” on my website. A shortage though? I had to make a call to Snapple Beverage company to make sure this was more in the latest fad of “fake news.” After convincing the receptionist I was Tim Tebow and looking to partner up with Snapple on a March Madness promotion, she gave me CEO Larry Young’s personal cell phone. After a quick call to him, I quickly learned there is indeed no shortage, and he learned I’m not Tim Tebow. We did agree to meet for rounds of Diet Dr. Pepper in the future, I’m not quite sure about the club he was referring to though, has anybody heard of Riker’s Island? He promised me he would book me a sweet room with a sparkling waterfront view if I called him again.
MOVIE DOWNLOAD FREE:
What the hell? No idea, I’m flummoxed (big word of the day) how looking to download free movies found me. I’m guessing it was another damn cord cutting millennial looking to save $1.75 at a local Redbox and brag to all their unemployed friends that they had gamed the system. Netflix and Amazon Video are pretty cheap, Redbox is basically free, get out of your mom’s basement and off the internet and please assimilate to our culture by “paying” for things.
WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE RIVER THAT RUNS THROUGH FRANKFORT, KY:
Skipah’s Realm, your one-stop encyclopedia for all things maritime in Kentucky. I’m assuming this obviously bored reader stumbled on this post about the Ohio River. To answer this prospective future marine biologist, I would answer this in a Jeopardy game show like response. What is the Kentucky River, Alex? Can I have the HISTORY OF KANGAROO KAMA SUTRA for 1600 please? Video daily double! Yes…this is going to get interesting!
SEA LIONS AT LA JOLLA:
I was in San Diego earlier this year, and I did write a snippet about it in a previous blog entry, so obviously this comes as no surprise. I will reiterate, they aren’t really that cute, they smell like a test facility for the research and development department at a Bush’s Best Baked Beans factory, but they do get to hang out in America’s own nirvana of San Diego, CA. Worth mentioning it’s now the spring season and my locale had another freeze warning last night.
CHEATING WIFE PARTY TIME TRACK EMERGENCY ROOM:
Is this another porn related search topic or one crazy freaking night in Vegas? I guess cheating wife led them to me, I really have no idea. Whoever is searching for this, find me, stalk me, I don’t care how you find me but FIND ME! This reeks of, “You had to be there,” but I don’t care. I would love to hear this story! Drinks are on me just to hear someone wax poetic about this search term. Alcohol, juice, goat’s milk, tap water in Flint, Michigan, whatever your preferred quaff is, I’ll max out the company credit card for a night out. By the way, can we at least find a place that has dollar draft night? This definitely has become an instant Skipah’s Realm hall of fame search term!
I hope all of the participants at least tried out the Horny Goat Weed before heading off to the E.R.!
THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT:
Skipah’s Realm and divorce go hand in hand so there could be several reasons for this term. Whoever found this term, I hope you gained a few nuggets of knowledge. Even if you were for or against getting a divorce, by the time you sign your name on that precious document, trust me you are more than ready! It’s a glorious day in your life, and to quote the late great William Wallace: “Freedom!”
DOWNLOAD FREE GAME FOR YOUR LAPTOP:
Again millennials, quit trying to get stuff for free! To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never offered any kind of free “download” promotion. I hope whatever game you were looking for infected your laptop so bad the folks at Geek Squad use you for an example of “computer idiocy” at their weekly meetings. Sure, they are more than likely getting together at the local “Win a pocket protector” drawing held in the basement of Best Buy, but even they know how idiotic your behavior is!
CO-PARENTING AS A DAD WITH A BITCH:
Fellow brother in arms, thankfully you have found my site. I’ve tried numerous times to co-parent with a female dog and trust me it’s downright impossible at times. Be yourself, be the best damn dad you can be under the circumstances, and get involved in your children’s life as much as humanly possible. Don’t accept the stereotypical “dad” status quo, don’t settle for the minimum custody even after you were told to, and, trust me, your kid(s) will admire you even more. If you are looking this up because you fornicated with a dog and can’t understand why some of your children have two legs and others have four, I would ask you to please quit huffing paint, and for the love of God, give up the bath salts!
Don’t be that dad when dealing with the ex, tempting I know, but you don’t want to be the subject of a kids library book, do you! What the hell this is a children’s book?
IS SKIPAH ON TINDER:
Short answer no, long answer way back in the day before I met my fiancée, I was for about two weeks. To the female fanatic (or guy, I don’t judge), I’m flattered, but this fellow is off the market for good. Hook up apps for me these days consist of watching YouTube videos on how to successfully attach a trailer hitch on to a vehicle. I seem to remember Julian Edelman having a hell of a run on Tinder a few years ago, so you might seek him out. Besides, back in my short tenure of swiping right, I couldn’t find a match if I was the dude at a women’s penitentiary passing out pardons!
About it for now, as you can see the term “anything goes” is still very prevalent on the internet. If it has gained me a follower or six, I’m happy you have jumped aboard the Skipah’s Realm steamboat. If you find this site in error (I’m really hoping a few of you have), no hard feelings. Seek help immediately, or otherwise, I will find you and lock you up with a pack of sea lions after a good night at a Mexican restaurant!