Kangaroo Kama Sutra for $1600 Alex!

NO!  You can still buy Chia Pets, but not Diet Dr. Pepper?

It’s been a couple of months and, boy oh boy, the internet hasn’t gotten this juicy since a good Kardashian scandal.  No, I’m not talking about another President Trump Twitter rant.  More like another round of Skipah Search Engine Posts,!  The latest, greatest, and downright certifiably insane search terms that landed some unfortunate soul on the front door of my peaceful little digital mansion.  Without further ado, here are the best and not so brightest internet users!

DIET DR. PEPPER SHORTAGE:

It’s no secret these 23 flavors have sometimes been referred to as the “nectar of the gods” on my website.  A shortage though?  I had to make a call to Snapple Beverage company to make sure this was more in the latest fad of “fake news.”  After convincing the receptionist I was Tim Tebow and looking to partner up with Snapple on a March Madness promotion, she gave me CEO Larry Young’s personal cell phone.  After a quick call to him, I quickly learned there is indeed no shortage, and he learned I’m not Tim Tebow.  We did agree to meet for rounds of Diet Dr. Pepper in the future, I’m not quite sure about the club he was referring to though, has anybody heard of  Riker’s Island?  He promised me he would book me a sweet room with a sparkling waterfront view if I called him again.

MOVIE DOWNLOAD FREE:

What the hell?  No idea, I’m flummoxed (big word of the day) how looking to download free movies found me.  I’m guessing it was another damn cord cutting millennial looking to save $1.75 at a local Redbox and brag to all their unemployed friends that they had gamed the system.  Netflix and Amazon Video are pretty cheap, Redbox is basically free, get out of your mom’s basement and off the internet and please assimilate to our culture by “paying” for things.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE RIVER THAT RUNS THROUGH FRANKFORT, KY:

Skipah’s Realm, your one-stop encyclopedia for all things maritime in Kentucky.  I’m assuming this obviously bored reader stumbled on this post about the Ohio River.  To answer this prospective future marine biologist, I would answer this in a Jeopardy game show like response.  What is the Kentucky River, Alex?  Can I have the HISTORY OF KANGAROO KAMA SUTRA for 1600 please?  Video daily double!  Yes…this is going to get interesting!

SEA LIONS AT LA JOLLA:

I was in San Diego earlier this year, and I did write a snippet about it in a previous blog entry, so obviously this comes as no surprise.  I will reiterate, they aren’t really that cute, they smell like a test facility for the research and development department at a Bush’s Best Baked Beans factory, but they do get to hang out in America’s own nirvana of San Diego, CA.  Worth mentioning it’s now the spring season and my locale had another freeze warning last night.

CHEATING WIFE PARTY TIME TRACK EMERGENCY ROOM:

Is this another porn related search topic or one crazy freaking night in Vegas?  I guess cheating wife led them to me, I really have no idea.  Whoever is searching for this, find me, stalk me, I don’t care how you find me but FIND ME!  This reeks of, “You had to be there,” but I don’t care.  I would love to hear this story!  Drinks are on me just to hear someone wax poetic about this search term.  Alcohol, juice, goat’s milk, tap water in Flint, Michigan, whatever your preferred quaff is, I’ll max out the company credit card for a night out.  By the way, can we at least find a place that has dollar draft night?  This definitely has become an instant Skipah’s Realm hall of fame search term!

I hope all of the participants at least tried out the Horny Goat Weed before heading off to the E.R.!

THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT:

Skipah’s Realm and divorce go hand in hand so there could be several reasons for this term.  Whoever found this term, I hope you gained a few nuggets of knowledge.  Even if you were for or against getting a divorce, by the time you sign your name on that precious document, trust me you are more than ready!  It’s a glorious day in your life, and to quote the late great William Wallace: “Freedom!”

DOWNLOAD FREE GAME FOR YOUR LAPTOP:

Again millennials, quit trying to get stuff for free!  To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never offered any kind of free “download” promotion.  I hope whatever game you were looking for infected your laptop so bad the folks at Geek Squad use you for an example of “computer idiocy” at their weekly meetings.  Sure, they are more than likely getting together at the local “Win a pocket protector” drawing held in the basement of Best Buy, but even they know how idiotic your behavior is!

CO-PARENTING AS A DAD WITH A BITCH:

Fellow brother in arms, thankfully you have found my site.  I’ve tried numerous times to co-parent with a female dog and trust me it’s downright impossible at times.  Be yourself, be the best damn dad you can be under the circumstances, and get involved in your children’s life as much as humanly possible.  Don’t accept the stereotypical “dad” status quo, don’t settle for the minimum custody even after you were told to, and, trust me, your kid(s) will admire you even more.  If you are looking this up because you fornicated with a dog and can’t understand why some of your children have two legs and others have four, I would ask you to please quit huffing paint, and for the love of God, give up the bath salts!

Don’t be that dad when dealing with the ex, tempting I know, but you don’t want to be the subject of a kids library book, do you!  What the hell this is a children’s book?

IS SKIPAH ON TINDER:

Short answer no, long answer way back in the day before I met my fiancée, I was for about two weeks.  To the female fanatic (or guy, I don’t judge), I’m flattered, but this fellow is off the market for good.  Hook up apps for me these days consist of watching YouTube videos on how to successfully attach a trailer hitch on to a vehicle.  I seem to remember Julian Edelman having a hell of a run on Tinder a few years ago, so you might seek him out.  Besides, back in my short tenure of swiping right, I couldn’t find a match if I was the dude at a women’s penitentiary passing out pardons!

About it for now, as you can see the term “anything goes” is still very prevalent on the internet.  If it has gained me a follower or six, I’m happy you have jumped aboard the Skipah’s Realm steamboat.  If you find this site in error (I’m really hoping a few of you have), no hard feelings.  Seek help immediately, or otherwise, I will find you and lock you up with a pack of sea lions after a good night at a Mexican restaurant!

 

Send Skipah Sailing!

46 Comments

  1. Pingback: The Epic Spring Break Weekend! ⋆

  2. I had to go back to figure out what you were referring to with “search engine hits”, but then I read your prior entries and laughed, was disappointed you didn’t have a Sunny Leone blog, then laughed again. A rollercoaster of emotions tbqh.

  3. I have a new theory! Most of these are one guy. Right, so, he’s trying to download a movie or a game, but he’s not having much luck cos, you know, he’s on your site instead of a download site. So, he figures maybe he should get out and about a bit, see some places of interest, perhaps check out some rivers in Kentucky. If only he knew some rivers in Kentucky. And, look at that: he’s back at your site. Not to worry, perhaps a diet Dr Pepper would be good. He’s a bit thirsty. But what is this? A shortage? None to be found? What is going on here? He’s going to get to the bottom of this. He’ll google the crap out of it. Wait, what? Back on Skipah’s Realm? What the hell? Sea lions! Cute pictures of sea lions will make this all better! So let’s just google sea lions, see what we find…WTAF?! So, in a diet Dr Pepper deprived rage, he punches his computer, obviously. So he’s at the ER, and then he sees his wife. What’s she doing here? Who’s that with her? Why that cheating bi…hang on a minute, what’s that party track she’s got playing? He knows that song. Phone comes out, a quick google, and…ffs it even happens on the phone! But, back to the matter at hand, what is he going to do about the wife? Divorce settlement? Let’s look that up. Oh and the kids – better find out about co-parenting with a bitch. So, anyway, he’s single now, appears completely unable to escape this Skipah guy in any case, the solution seems obvious to him – ‘Is Skipah on Tinder?’
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Friday Frolics – 24th March 2017My Profile

  4. The internet is a such a mystical place sometimes. The Co Parenting term is pretty close to the search terms that led me to you years ago! 😉
    Shopgirl Anonymous recently posted…10 Must Stop Funky Fun Shops in Houston’s Rice VillageMy Profile

  5. I hope you weren’t making disparaging comments about Snapple in the Dr Pepper portion of this post. Snapple is the beverage of choice at The House on the Hill and my dream is for them to sponsor my blog and reward me with a Snapple vending machine in my living room. So if you are trash talking them, we might have to talk.
    Austin recently posted…Trump’s Exile: Destination DagobahMy Profile

  6. Without a doubt,you are the Adam Sandler of blogging,sir. Bonus points if you can guess why the cheetah and I gave you this title…

  7. Co-parenting with a bitch…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sometimes the internet is dead on, no?
    Christina recently posted…The Fantastic Mr. FoxMy Profile

  8. 1. I adore the word “flummoxed”
    2. Sea lions ARE cute.
    3. I guess it’s good that I’ve never heard of the Tinder app.
    4. You crack me, Gary of the one “t”!

  9. Haha…a shortage of diet Dr. Pepper. Is that drink still on the shelves? I don’t think I’ve seen Dr. Pepper in Toronto for quite some time, but then again I wasn’t really looking either. I’ll keep my eyes peeled and if I find it I’ll send some across the border 🙂 if that’s still allowed…
    Jacqueline recently posted…5 Mistakes To Avoid When Becoming A Fashion DesignerMy Profile

  10. Gosh at least yours are interesting and funny. I’m tired of viagra and cialis spam, LOL!

  11. I’ll have to ask my mom if she ever used the ‘Night Dad Went to Jail’ book in her classroom. If not, she could have! She taught kindergarten in an area where that happened frequently. In fact, in a lesson on the letter “b”, one kid called out “body bag” as an example.

  12. Gary, I never know what to expect, which is what makes this site fun….I’m almost afraid to investigate what crops up in my search leads now, lol. Plus as someone who works occasionally in the divorce field, always interested in hearing on those details of what’s been going on in that world. Have a great weekend from this KY girl!
    Elizabeth | Ellie & Elizabeth recently posted…Shopping the House (Decorating With What You Have) and A Giveaway!My Profile

  13. I have to laugh when reading your posts—it’s almost like a ping pong of facts (?) and events!!
    Way to keep us on our toes, Gary!
    jodie
    http://www.jtouchofstyle.com

  14. At least some people know what you are really writing about…

  15. Surprisingly, I believe I’ve read that book before(I work often with the children of incarcerated parents). We definitely don’t need you to give into your anger(even though it’s valid) and take that route. Co-parenting with a bitch must be hell, especially when you can’t get a Diet Dr. Pepper fix.
    Mandi recently posted…Journey Back to Baker StreetMy Profile

  16. You never fail to make me roar 😄🦁.
    Lisa Dorenfest recently posted…Comment on Singapore and Beyond by Lisa DorenfestMy Profile

  17. Fascinating that people would turn to you a non-Kentuckian for geography facts about Kentucky……Hey, don’t dis baked beans. They smell fantastic. We have B&B baked bean factory in Maine and they don’t smell anything like sea lions. Funny search engine list.

  18. I seriously love a potpourri post, Gary style. Especially after midnight when I’ve had my Ativan.
    Carol A Cassara recently posted…Fire within usMy Profile

  19. Search Engine sentences are often a laugh but you seem to get some really daft ones , which makes excellent blog post reading! Now if I type in Horny Goat Weed I wonder if your site will crop up …. ermmm ….😜
    Linda Hobden recently posted…An Interview With Kites & BitesMy Profile

  20. Ha ha ha, there are some crazy people out there! Flummoxed (thanks for the new word), is exactly how I feel after reading these too!
    RC Liley recently posted…Legion Genesis Greens Superfood Review + Healthy RecipeMy Profile

  21. The very last thing this country needs right now is a Diet Dr. Pepper shortage. The “Cheating Wife” search term indeed has “Hall of Fame” written all over it. Anything goes on the Dark Web…and these searches are yet another reminder.
    sportsattitudes recently posted…CSI: Comma Scene Investigation – Curious Case Of The Oxford Serial Killer CommaMy Profile

  22. Truly, I do not want to know what you’re doing with the Horny Goat Weed. I just don’t want to know. I’m sure the goat didn’t either.
    Jennifer recently posted…It’s Closing Time One Last TimeMy Profile

  23. Was that a threat to subject your readers to your after mexican meal gas generation period? Think my cat can probably out stin you one paw tied behind his back! He has a reputation of stinking up our entire hous on a regular basis!

    “Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel. So lets have beans for every meal!”

    Sounds good in my demented mind. DO NOT EXPOSE INNOCENT MINOR CHILDREN to your body’s out put!
    hallenterprises132 recently posted…Have You Ever Had an Earworm?My Profile

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