“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”
Jules Winnfield
Just the kind of mood I’m in today. Crap, crap, and more crap. The local sewer plant puts up with less shit than me some days it seems anymore. Not going to let it get me down though, and any time I get to use a quote from one of the most quotable movies of my generation I call it a good day all around no matter what happens. My only problem these days is I can’t out run my past. Not that I was an evil person in the past (I like to think far from it), but my immediate history is stuffed full of missteps, dumb decisions, and a little too trusting of people. At the end of the day I just want to be Sloane’s dad, I want to be Skipah, I want to be Gary Mathews and not have to worry about a legal system that I’m always going to be behind the eight ball. I haven’t loss the will to fight, but I’ve also learned fighting isn’t always the best route. It wastes too much time and too many resources to prove a point, I think over the course of six plus months I proved my point. I got told to shut this down today, I’m not it actually earns money (about enough to enjoy a family dinner at McDonalds), but in the dark months following my split; blogging and Sloane were the only things I looked forward to. I look forward to a million things now, and blogging is still up near the top right after Sloane. If I could get rid of the ex from my life 100% I would tomorrow, but she’s Sloane’s mother so that isn’t possible. I’m sure she would feel the same way about me, I’m just done arguing with her. Sloane will be the proof that is in the pudding, and I’m only going to see her eight days a month (plus Spring Break) until the end of school. Short of my ex developing a meth habit and going on a 23 state crime spree it’s all the custody I’m going to achieve. I’m not changing me, I’m not changing my writing style to cater to anybody. If anyone wants to challenge me for it then take your best shot. In the past year I lost my house, my marriage (thankfully), seeing my daughter every day, my dignity (for a while), and what little financial freedom I had. I’m going to live my life with the cards I’ve been dealt. I’m the short stack at the table right now, but dammit I’ve earned the right to be me! I’m not psycho, I’m not unfit, and after everything I went through I think I’m doing pretty damn good. I’m as happy as a pig covering up shit these days. I like to think I’m the “cool” dad now, Sloane is wanting to invite half her school over for sleep overs (I keep telling her maybe next year let’s stick to “play dates”). Enough of my “come to Jesus” moment let’s talk about Sloane for a bit!
After arriving at the nursing home to gather Sloane today the first thing she said to me was “Daddy can we go to a farm and steal a pig and bring him home and keep him as a pet” I really didn’t have a sharp reply for that, I just said how about we do that tomorrow. I don’t know if she has read Charlotte’s Web at school or what but stealing a pig was the underlying theme tonight. Tomorrow we have all kinds of events planned, basketball, bike riding, and we are going to ride out to the country (free of the city lights) and stargaze with her telescope. This is the same telescope that damn near turned in a Supreme Court case that I got to keep possession of. Sloane was the ultimate tiebreaker (she wanted it at her HOUSE, not at her grandparents). Big day for us, and a lot of things coming up for Sloane. Her Brownie troop has events pretty much from now until the middle of February. My weekends will entail a ski trip in two weeks, and in four weeks a dual banquet with the local boy scouts. We are making a dessert for the banquet and she wants me to make my Oreo cake. I’m looking forward to all of these events, I will sit at the lodge at the local ski resort and watch the girls bust their butts, but when I mentioned it to Sloane this evening she started “air skiing” so let’s just say she is pumped about it.
All I got for this evening, need to touch up around the house and need to Google “how to steal a pig and not get caught” information. After tucking Sloane into bed tonight the last thing she asked me was “Can we really steal a pig tomorrow?” No we aren’t stealing a pig, but you sure think like your dad every day!
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It’s so difficult not to let the past haunt you. I am and have been exactly where you are. Especially regarding the ex. Some times the toughest route is not to fight. My boys is top but like you blogging is on the top 3. I have spent the last 2 of 4 years not arguing with the ex. Apart from Friday where she decided to slate my blog and my parenting. It’s difficult because even after 4 years and 2 years of peace my demons are still around to haunt me. And I believe that it will. I, like you, was not a evil person but had many miss steps.
On to catching a pig? I think you need to make a decision on this. What type of pig are you willing to steal? Obviously a pot belly, the far cutest, will hold a more challenging task. Yet a more appealing dwarf pig could be a quick pinch. But are you then prepared to keep it. My advice is to watch Charlotte Web and the babe films. Give you a feel of the pig market 😉