This fellow has been casting a shadow over me for the past few weeks!
Alright, Alright, Alright; welcome back to the hottest thing in town since a Hanson cover band! It’s your semi-sporadic dose of Skipah’s Realm. Hi, I’m Skipah, divorced dad, custody law ninja, a semi-cool boyfriend with a girlfriend that makes me go coo coo for cocoa pops, and currently having the R & D staff finalize our top secret lawyer lobotimizer project that we hope to roll out early next year! Needless to say, I’m a busy GUY, with today’s post emphasizing the word guy.
Disclaimer: Guys, some of this post might make you scream and wince. Gals, a $100.00 Amazon gift card courtesy of me for the funniest comment related to, “That’s nothing; you try passing a bowling ball through a hole big enough for a golf ball.” That gift card will of course be a customary Skipah IOU, but I’m a man of my word!
There has been a major medical scare recently with Mr. Skipah himself, and I’m finally ready to open up about it. I’m going to live, in fact, nothing is wrong with me. The reality is I’m an idiot! As everyone knows, most guys are stubborn (ex-wife is emphatically shaking her head, Miss Madison nods in agreement), Mr. Skipah is the exception no different at times. So when a little pine nut (no pun intended) sized lump showed up in my “nether” regions a few weeks ago, I shrugged it off as someone spiked my Diet Dr. Pepper with some of that newfangled elephant heroin that has hit the Midwest and it would go away in due time.
Thankfully it did…. for about two days. Did Skipah call a doctor once it came back with a vengeance metamorphosed as a grape? Hell no, this is my “junk” we are talking about. Guys can recall their first boyhood hernia check with vivid detail and fear better than they can remember what they had for lunch yesterday.
A week did go by and the grape thankfully didn’t ferment and start spewing out a vintage Pinot Noir, but this little grape wasn’t getting any smaller. The Skipah’s extra spidey sense was starting to kick in, but in no way was he ready to call the doctor. Unfortunately, he did make an inquiry to Dr. Google. Not an appointment yet, just a consultation. Dr. Google said, “Go to the doctor,” Mr. Skipah said , “No big deal.” In the meantime, he was looking up who to contact at Livestrong and hoping Lance Armstong had some advice if needed. (For testicular cancer, not how to fool the whole world on how to win seven Tour De France’s and lie about it the whole time!)
Then last week came and my little pine nut/grape done grew up on me. I’ve never seen any studies on the fornication of a pine nut and a grape, but evidently the pine nut has the dominant gene because I now had a walnut sized lump. Not only was it the size of the most precious of nuts, it was hard as one also. This prompted mass panic in Skipah pelvic region, and he immediately made an appointment with the doctor for the following Monday.
Wasn’t quite this big, but sure felt like it!
With Mr. Skipah nervous as a virgin on prom night awaiting this highly anticipated doctor’s appointment, he barged in on the offices of Dr. Google himself looking for answers. Dr. Google didn’t sugarcoat anything. His initial diagnosis brought a whole bunch of not so friendly disorders into play!
Inguinal Hernia: Because of course no one should go through life without some kind of hernia! All the symptoms were there and this quickly became the leader in the clubhouse. Until I kept reading Dr. Google’s medical charts.
Epididymal Cyst (Spermatocele): Occurs in men around 40 (I’m hanging on to 39 for a few more days) and prevalent in men that have had a vasectomy. Yep, this has to be it! Except they are usually painless and this thing was hurting like I had actually been kicked in the nuts by a steel-toed boot!
Testicular Torsion: That was painful to type and even more painful to read! By now I’m convinced this is my ailment and my balls are about to fall off! It’s like the gangrene of urological disasters! Thankfully this is a condition that affects many during puberty and under 25. I passed those major milestones years ago.
Testicular Tumor: I had this low on the list of things, but still with a big freaking lump, I couldn’t rule it out, and Dr. Google made sure I didn’t. The lesson is go to your actual doctor and not Dr. Google!
Personally, I blame all this on reverse karma from my Gamete Gangster post. Since my doctor wasn’t available due to treating strange pneumonia cases, I had to settle for the nurse practitioner Monday morning. The last time I was this nervous about a doctor visit, I lost the ability to reproduce children and the Birds Eye company had to run double shifts to keep up production on frozen peas. I’m still awaiting a dividend check for that glorious Memorial Day Weekend when their stock had to shoot up 200%!
Hernia was immediately ruled out by me on the morning of the visit since the thing erupted like Mt. Vesuvius and had my bathroom looking like a Manson crime scene. This calmed the tumor/hernia fears since my zero hours of med school told me it was an infection of some sort. This didn’t calm down the anxiety of a rogue cyst or if I was going to have to start a torsion control club and have a surgical procedure to free my balls of having the life sucked out of them!
I walked into that doctor’s office expecting the worse. I walked out shaking my head in shame. The nurse practitioner (a woman) touched me in places I don’t like strange women to touch and determined I had a skin abscess. All the worrying and doomsday scenarios were rendered moot when her professional diagnosis was nothing more than an infected hair follicle! I guess I need to look into one of those Brazilian wax procedures or exfoliate better!
About it for tonight, the month from hell turned out to be nothing more than a turncoat Benedict Arnold hair follicle rebelling against me. Again, I say, strange lumps and growths in those part of the world for a man are scarier than a Friday the 13th movie. For those that are wondering, my nether regions are healing nicely thanks to antibiotics and the lump has suffered more shrinkage than if it took a cold shower!