With Mr. Skipah off chasing badgers in Wisconsin, he’s turning the mic over to Jenn at A Mother of All Trades for the evening. Jenn and I met in bloggy world under strangely similar circumstances in terms of dealing with stalkers and the court system. She let me open up on her site weeks ago so, of course, I let her return the favor. Introducing Mrs. Jenn!
Hi. Let me introduce myself. My name is Jennifer. I want to thank my friend Skipah for allowing me the opportunity to hijack his blog today. When I heard Mr. Skipah was looking for guest bloggers, I thought to myself well this…this is the time. The time for what you ask? The time to be real, to be open, to be raw and unedited. You see, my blog does not allow me to be those things. I have too many negative influences in my life who are daily readers out of sheer nosiness. Most of them are family or extended family who don’t even speak to me. But why give them something to talk about, it’s not worth it. So, I only talk about the good in my life for the most part. I never talk about the harsh realities of what it’s really like being a mom of five. Only three of those five children are biologically connected to me; the other two are my husband’s, and they both have different moms. In addition, all three of my children have different dads. Not the ideal situation, and at times, it’s unbearably hard. But I do it, with as much grace and dignity as the good Lord allows me to. However, these days have been harder than most. If you are a reader on my blog and have read The Devil Wore A Collar Part I – Part VIII series, then you know only part of the struggles I have been dealing with.
I went from a messy childhood and adolescent period to then finding man after man who would further abuse and take advantage of me. I made a ton of bad decisions, mostly because I had no guidance, and I thought that when a man abused me that meant he loved me. Pathetic, I know… but it was all that I knew at the time. In the middle of an abusive relationship, I met the man of my dreams. A true gentleman, a man who showed me what love really was. We ended up together, married and happy. My mother-in-law married us. She is a preacher. She was the most wonderful woman I had ever met in my whole life. I talked to her about my past, my fears for the future, and how I so badly wanted better for myself and my children. She knew how much the kids meant to me and how my every breath was for them. Until one day, something changed. She set me up. She used everything I have ever told her against me. And now, my husband and I are in a very messy legal battle to try to get our son back that she had taken away. You can read more about it at the above links. But now this woman is using my blog against me. She is trying to say I slandered her, which is false I never even used her name. Trust me, I’d love to! She is a trauma chaplain at a huge city hospital, and I’m sure they would have a field day on the spiritual abuse she committed alone. Not to mention the lying on the witness stand under oath as a minister of Christ! The lawyer fees and court fees are piling up so far around us we can barely breathe. We are having a hard time affording our rent, let alone feeding everyone, child support, and daily life necessities. Due to this issue, I set up a GoFund Me account page to help offset some of our costs. Well, apparently the other side in our custody battle doesn’t approve of this and has filed another motion against me for that now as well. They also want to shut down my blog. We don’t go back to court for all this nonsense until the middle of July. Stay tuned for more on that catastrophe.
So if you think things can’t get any worse, oh no, just wait! Here comes an effing storm cloud the size of Texas! I find out the other day I have reached my lifetime limit on my FAFSA loans, and with seven classes left to graduate for my Human Service degree with plans to be a co-parent therapist, I am at a standstill until I can come up with seven grand! Are you effing kidding me??? Okay, so I have a cry fest over this. I mean, I have worked my ass off for five years (yes, it has taken me five because I was going part time and had two sick babies in between), but I always managed to find my way back. Also, I have a 3.2 GPA, which was not easy, especially on account that I have severe ADHD. But I finally felt a sense of accomplishment, a sense of worth, I was at the finish line! Only to hear…ha ha, just kidding, you can’t continue what you have worked so hard for. Wow, just wow! I’ve talked to the financial aid office, and I am shit out of luck! If that isn’t a kick in the crotch, I don’t what is!
After I went through a state of slight depression a couple weeks ago, I come to terms with the fact that this is my situation and I can’t change it right now. As much as I love to be in school, it has always been a stress factor in my life. So let me take this break to figure things out, concentrate on my kids and enjoy them, and maybe see if I can pick up a part time job. Around the time I got over my slump, still puffy eyed from crying, I noticed a lump in my breast and a severe pain. I let it go until I couldn’t bear the pain anymore, so I went to the doctor. They sent me for an immediate ultrasound and mammogram. (Which by the way, if you have never had a mammogram before, it is the equivalent of putting your boob on the rim of the car window while it is down, and then rolling up the window until your nipple feels like it is going to shoot off and hit the technician in the face, which at some points you wish it would!) So, now they tell me things don’t look good. What does this mean? Now I have to go to the Oncology Center. I’m not sick, I don’t feel sick, how could this be happening? God can’t possibly leave four little girls behind without a mother, can He? I’m too young to die. I’m only 32. I have suffered more in my short lifetime than anyone should ever have to. I finally have a man who loves me for real. I have a strong, solid, stable relationship for the first time in my life. Things aren’t perfect, but we are making it work together. I feel like I have been hit with some terrible streak of bad luck. I feel like I have always tried to do what is right, and I have always been kind, and I have always fought. I have fought my whole life to keep my head above water, and now this? What did I do to deserve this? All of it!
I went to church today. The sermon was about giving your fears to God because when we hold on to fear, we can no longer hang on to our faith. So this is me…giving You my fears. This is me. Raw, unedited, naked, and unafraid. I will no longer fear the things I cannot change. And I will trust in You Lord, I will trust that You will keep my girls safe if I have to leave them at an untimely stage in their life. I trust that You will give my husband the strength to go on without me. I trust that You will only bring me down the same road that You will lead me out of. I trust that You are with me.
The biggest lesson I have learned in my life is that it can always be worse. And while your situation may be the worst you think it can get, trust me, it’s not. Make the most of what you have, even if it’s nothing. I am sure you can find something if you look hard enough. Don’t waste a minute with regret or anger. Those things just hold you down like bricks on your back. Stand tall, stand proud, and stand strong. With every sunrise comes a chance to start over. Forgive what you can, and forget the rest. We only get one shot at this thing called life, so make it the best one you can.