So, when “The Skipah” asked me if I wanted to hijack his blog for a day while he went off and schmoozed with the Dad Bloggers my first thought was, but I’m not a personal blogger what will I talk about? Divorce of course! Yes, I am part of the club.
How does he hide his horns?
If only there was a big neon sign telling us this is not the one for you! There never is. I look back and know that if I wasn’t desperate for love at the time perhaps I wouldn’t have fallen into the Satan’s net. Yes, I call my ex Satan. When we are ripe and young we just aren’t smart enough to truly know, what love is about. The sex is great and he said the words and bam the spell was cast.
It didn’t take long to see his true face and it was scary, part demon, part Hitler rolled into a handsome package I didn’t recognize. The sparkle of romance turned into every moment of my life being controlled like an inmate. I could only have mutual friends, I had exactly twenty minutes to get home from work, dinner had to be ready at exactly 5 pm. If it wasn’t there would be a tirade that would last for hours. He once ranted for 45 minutes because his hairbrush wasn’t in the right spot.
Like many women, I believed if I just acted and became what he wanted he would be better and I did that, for 13 years I succumbed to the Stepford way. If you don’t know what that is, it’s an old movie where men allowed their wives to be programmed to be the perfect wife.
Eleven years later I looked at myself and my kids and thought what am I teaching them? I wasn’t showing them a loving example. What I was showing them was that it’s ok to disrespect the person you supposedly love physically and emotionally and that was the day I woke up.
Our constant war changed our children and I remember the day I knew I had to fix it for all of us. We were fighting as we did every day and yes EVERYDAY. They didn’t cry or yell at us to stop, they quietly left the room. For them this was normal and I feared that I had become weak in their eyes.
I Divorced You, Why Won’t You Go Away
When we get divorced we misguidedly think this means we are finally going to be free. A friend told me it takes 6 years to get over a divorce. I was excited at the time thinking I would finally live life on my terms, make my own decisions etc. I’m here to tell you that all divorce means is you don’t legally have to live with that person anymore.
Satan made it his life’s mission to make me miserable and for the first few years he nearly succeeded. See he was angry that I took his plan for the perfect life away from him. He proceeded to tell me on almost a daily basis what a horrid person I was. There were phone calls, texts, cyber stalking and that wasn’t enough for him he also told anyone who would listen including our children.
I talked or battled with him more when we divorced then when we were married. He would call to yell at me. It got so bad that I had to block him and change my phone number. I had no support whatsoever no friends, no family around me. I was ill equipped to manage my newly found life as a single adult. I had never even written out a check or paid a bill on my own which was an embarrassing admission at 36.
Are You Wondering If There’s a Light In This Tunnel?
There is a light. It took me years but I managed to find my feet and oversee my own destiny. I found love and despite the baggage I carried he married me anyway. One of the first things he said to me was he wanted me to just be me and it was at that point I realized I had no idea who that was. And even to this day I am still discovering. I realized that because of my children I would never regret meeting Satan but if I had waited and had more sense things may have been different.
There’s a lesson here and it goes like this. Marriage requires maturity. I tell people all the time they should wait until they are thirty. Love isn’t the answer to everything. Think long and hard before you bring children into the picture. Divorce is like a death and you must go through the stages of grief before you can truly move on with your life.
Heidi is a writer currently residing in Atlanta who blogs about Women, Health, and Money. You can find her at womanpulse.com.