Skipah’s Guest Blogging Series: The Truth About Divorce

Editor’s note:  If I didn’t have a mom who I love and am thankful for I would put in an application tomorrow to Tikeetha to be my mom.  I can not tell you how excited I was when she offered to post on Skipah’s Realm.  Next time I’m in the D.C. area, the crab cakes are on me with my friend Double T! 

Divorce sucks.

Trying to parent when you’re going through a divorce sucks.

Those were some of the thoughts that I had when I asked for a divorce four years ago. I thought it would be cordial. We didn’t want to be married. We were making each other unhappy. We both loved our son.  I offered joint custody with no child support because I believed that we could both support our son. What could possibly go wrong?

Fast forward to my life right now, and I will tell you that I was living a pipe dream in some ways. I wanted to believe that the man that I had pledged my love to knew me and my heart and wouldn’t try to exact revenge on me. Yeah, that didn’t happen. When a person is hurt they tend to lash out at you no matter what you do. I was heartbroken.

I tried. I tried to keep calm and not get broken down by the nasty phone conversations, emails or text messages. I tried to not want to throw acid on him when I saw him at functions for my son. I tried to not want to vomit any time he wanted to have a conversation. I was angry too. Just a little.

But, one of the things that I will tell you that I tried to do was keep my son separate from all the foolishness. We both wanted him. We both needed him. We both had to grow the hell up or we would mess this little boy up. I never said I was perfect. I never said I was the victim. Trust me…in the beginning I gave as good as I got.

Until one day I started to not care. To not care about the back and forth because my son was suffering. He was having problems in school and I needed to focus on him. No more fights with his father. I needed to be present in his life and make sure that he knows that he is loved and wanted and that it’s not his fault.

Children tend to believe that it is their fault that their parents aren’t together. We’ve explained it to him a lot of times that it’s not his fault. We did therapy. My son was hurting, starting kindergarten and living in two separate homes with two separate rooms. He hated it.

We tried to make it better for him. We let him know that he would have toys at both parent’s home. Yeah, that worked well in the beginning until he had a toy at my house that he wanted to take to his dad’s and then left it. Don’t get me started on how many times homework was left or books forgotten that he needed for school.

We adjusted.

We moved the schedule (my suggestion) to accommodate my desire to not lay eyes on his dad and to benefit our son. My son got a real schedule that didn’t confuse him. We exchange on Fridays. We keep it simple. At school. If he’s off on a Friday, we do it at day care. We settled into our new normal.

No one tells you that parenting while divorcing is hard. I think we all hope that we can be better. In some ways I am. I am happier than I’ve ever been. My son is good. He’s happy. He’s healthy. He’s loved.

In the end you just realize that what you’re fighting for is the chance to raise your child in an environment where they will see two people happy and in love. Where they will see and recognize change and not be afraid. Where they will see two people who started over and how much happier their lives have become. Because in the end, that’s all that matters…the happiness of your child.

Tikeetha is the coolest mom on the planet, loves her son like I love Diet Dr. Pepper, and an overall awesome person.  If you don’t believe me, see all the thoughts and wisdom of D.C.’s hidden treasure at A Thomas Point of View.  When you see the pictures of her precious Mr. Munch, just make sure to remind her that this future #ladykiller respects women.  Nevermind, his mom will knock him into last month if he doesn’t.  Yeah, she’s that good!

 

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13 Comments

  1. Pingback: The Weekly Headlines – My Daily Musing – Br Andrew's Muses

  2. Good for you for putting your son first. So many parents forget to do that and it is so confusing for the children.

  3. Sorry to hear you’re going through divorce 🙁 I am about to file this year. Please look on the bright side and how wonderful your life is right now 🙂

  4. Great article. I have experienced a brief period of co-parenting while divorcing before the ex-husband decided to disappear for 5 years (crowd applauds loudly.. just kidding), so I definitely understand. My son was still a toddler (2 at the time) but, it still was a bit of a transition because the hate between the old ex and I was absolutely real.

  5. Yes. The child comes first. If only all parents realized that one.
    Jennifer recently posted…Are You Afraid To Try New Things?My Profile

  6. I hear you big time. Although my daughters are teenagers the “war” of divorce is still there.
    Amanda Ricks recently posted…Nature’s Majestic Lone WolfMy Profile

  7. Am fortunate enough to have a man that has been by my side in sickness and in health (was healthy when we met was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a year after we were married). He did try to divorce me once, just had to invest in some langerie from Sears (I have like their tools, so it was my go to place for everything). Came down the steps of our house in Colorado dressed in a white see through robe with the new outfit underneath it. He followed me back up the stairs like a sick puppy! We never completed the papers or talked about it again! Guys, what else can we expect from them?

    We celebrated our 20th anniversary last year. No plans on relocating or separating ever again!
    hallenterprises132 recently posted…Have You Ever Had an Earworm?My Profile

  8. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I never had to go through it and never plan on divorce. I figure no one really does though. You sound like a wonderful mom and I thank you for sharing here on Skipah’s blog!
    RC Liley recently posted…PicturesOnGold.com SS Photo Heart Locket #ValentinesDayGiveawayMy Profile

  9. Great post from the heart! Sounds like a wonderful mom!

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