The Badger Chronicles: Do You Know the Way to Sturgeon Bay?

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That little dot on the far left is the home to the only Diet Dr. Pepper fountain machine on the peninsula!

In my next life as a short order cook, I’m going to be sure and slip an extra 25 tablespoons of Benadryl in three certain kids’ food one day!  Waking up on day three in Door County, my offspring and her two new co-conspirators were barking orders at me for food like they owned the place!  Mental note, Mr. Skipah, while not necessarily an “anti”-morning person, it goes a lot smoother once I lube my internal organs with caffeine first.  I think the kids were actually excited because we had told them that they got to go shopping at all the finest in retail on the peninsula.  I was still chafed over not capturing a badger from the day before, so once again donned me best badger camo and launched an internal nefarious plan to capture this mysterious creature!

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Order Up!

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To quote Snoop Dogg “Let’s Take a Journey

First stop was the local post office so Sloane could mail her postcards she acquired from the day before to send to all her peeps back home.  I also asked the postmaster while we there if everybody in Wisconsin was allergic to the sun or just bathed in bleach water since the only tan I think I’ve ever seen there was in crayon box..err make that “crayn” box.  Don’t need to be pissing off the locals with the mispronunciation of words!

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Yes, Sloane, everybody will get their postcard before we get home, even your bestie.

After flattering the post office employee with my Hoosier charm and waiting for the F.B.I. to tackle me in the middle of town, it was off to downtown Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin for some toy store love.  For those of you maritimely (add that to your dictionary Webster) challenged, Sturgeon Bay is a bay off of Green Bay (the water body), which is a bay off of Lake Michigan.  This concludes today’s lesson in maritime navigation and keeps my sponsors happy with using the word bay liberally.  Sturgeon Bay is also the county seat of Door County, and actually has a population of more than a couple of hundred.

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Nobody would buy me the turtle, it was softer than my pillow!

While the kids were spending their money on the finest products ever made in Singapore, Miss Madison gracefully let Mr. Skipah go do a little exploring on his own.  Mentally I spent something close to the GDP of Greenland, but my checking account told me I better just settle for local culinary goodies.  That’s when I found Fat Louie’s!  I don’t know if Mr. Louie is a distant relative of the Corleone family or has some modern mafia connections back to the mother country of Italy, but his offerings of infused olive oils were delicious.  I got out of there buying only one, but believe me, if I had the Benjamins, they would have been deposited in a cash drawer in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin.

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Potentially the best $13.00 dollars I’ve ever spent that didn’t involve lottery tickets!

The mean old toy store owner informed me that badgers are pretty much night owls and most Wisconsinites have never seen one in the wild.  I called bullshit on this claim and vowed to fight on in my quest to find one of these mutated skunks!

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He did offer to sell me one, so I had that going for me on my hunt!

Also, if ever in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin I would highly recommend a stop to Grandma Tommy’s (don’t ask some of these northerners are a couple hamburgers short of a Happy Meal) for some local epicurean love.  Grab the cherry salsa & apple cider jelly, and thank me later!  Better yet, tell them that hick-sounding Skipah sent you, and you will probably get a taxpayer provided taxi ride in a police cruiser.

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Haven’t had a chance to sample the dressing, but have a feeling I will not be disappointed!

With shopping out of the way, it was time for some putt-putt fun up the road at the Egg Harbor Fun Park.  The kids played for pride, Miss Madison thought I would let her I win, and I played for blood!  Eighteen holes later, Mr. Mathews defended his imaginary miniature golf belt with a solid three shot win.  She immediately got me back on the go-kart track as Mr. Skipah and Sloane had a tussle on track with Miss Madison Jr. and got t-boned so hard I didn’t know if I needed to call Jake from State Farm or update my life insurance.  She claimed it was an accident and there was nothing she could do, personally, I think the ghost of badgers past had taken over her mind for a split second.  Either way, it was all in good fun!

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The groundskeeper thought blue raspberry Kool-Aid would look better than water.

I would have more pictures from this glorious time, but I erroneously thought I could turn myself into Ansel Adams with a cell phone camera instead of just realizing I’m another dipshit with a cell phone camera!  I had the settings so screwed up on my camera; pictures of the golf course looked like something only Dr. Timothy Leary could make heads or tails of.

A trip to the candy store, more shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping (okay sponsors did I meet the shopping quota word count yet), followed by a lovely drive back to Sturgeon Bay for the Italian style dinner from hell!

To the staff at Sonny’s Italian Kitchen and Pizzeria , let me apologize personally for the behavior of our children Wednesday evening on June 23rd.  It was a parent’s worst nightmare of bitchy kid, whiny kid, and overtired kid.  Between three children acting like they were on bath salts and making noise that only an airplane would drown out, Miss Madison and I were helpless to hide.  Our section of the restaurant cleaned out faster than my 401k after the Brexit vote.  The only thing missing from our table was matching T-shirts that said: “We are proud Wal-Mart shoppers!”  Thankfully the chefs at Sonny’s didn’t notice because my bowl of ravioli was swimming in cheese and marinara sauce that had me quickly falling into a food coma!

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The girls ate a salad and that ends any gushing sentiments about the kids at dinner!  The food was delicious, not pictured Miss Madison sitting under the table double-fisting wine!

After dinner, before the return trip home, the kids straightened up long enough so we could enjoy a leisurely stroll around the marina.  I was still in badger “seek and destroy” mode, but played it off like I’m Mr. Family Man because I was living an alter ego the whole week!  All kidding aside, the whole downtown atmosphere of Sturgeon Bay is like “nature therapy.”  Whether you are into boats, water, scenery, or just a laid back atmosphere you can’t go wrong with an evening in the city.  Since I’m a guy, I was rather enthralled with the shipyard across the bay.  Miss Madison was wondering if the “barely” legal deckhand on a zillion dollar yacht was single. #hiddenmessage  Either way, there is something for everybody to enjoy!

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Seagull Stan alerted me to a possible badger sighting!

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Running full tilt like someone told me there was unlimited Diet Dr. Pepper ahead I was just seconds short of snagging a badger!  Unfortunately, this finned one took a claw to the torso!

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After a shaky dinner, a most pleasant evening.

The best part of the day though was that I found Squito Spray, coincidentally enough at the toy store!  It’s all natural and works…. somewhat!  When I remembered to slather myself in it, I didn’t get mosquito bites, since you must wear some sort of bug deterrent 24/7 on the peninsula.  I am probably carrying a mutated virus known as Zinilealaria (Zika, West Nile, and Malaria all rolled into one) in my blood stream right now, so if I don’t post for a month, you will probably know why.  When I did think to use the Squito Spray, I did keep the blood suckers at bay (one more time for my sponsors), however, I smelled like I just walked out of a French brothel.  Mosquitoes weren’t trying to bite me; they were actively courting me!

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No free bottle for me, but I will plug them anyway it works, and guys if you are on a hot date and forgot your favorite scent of Stetson (and that would explain why you are single) this stuff will work in a pinch!

About it for now, day three was a rousing adventure of fun and frustration in parenting.  Another exhilarating sunset for us to enjoy, quality food, and was that a firework stand I saw on the way home?  No badgers to be seen on day three either, but I can be a night ninja also, so stay tuned!  This Hoosier hasn’t given up his pursuit of this overgrown rodent yet!

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Send Skipah Sailing!

22 Comments

  1. You have to be careful on those miniature golf courses, Gary. I once had a seriously painful rug burn when I took a flip, nearly having a laceration from the windmill. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

  2. Pingback: The Badger Chronicles: Meet the Milwaukeeans

  3. I don’t know anything about sturgeon bay but i like every bit of it. Thanks for sharing

  4. Pingback: The Badger Chronicles: The Appleton Gummy Gang

  5. Love the fact that Sloane is sending postcards; it’s a lost art! Thanks for the virtual tour!

  6. My aunt has a summer home in Sister Bay that she’s trying to sell, if you know anyone… XD

    Serioiusly, Door County is beautiful during the summer.

  7. You forgot mosquito replant in WI? Thought at least the kids or Miss Madison would remind you if nothing else! Have any blood still left in your body? Not worried about the hundreds of diseases they carry, they suck blood like a starving vampire does!

    Sounds like you treated the kids to a great and educational time! Think Miss Madison’s influence is showing to be a positive thing in you and your daughter’s lives.

  8. A part of the country I don’t know one thing about, but you’re changing that. Ah, living each day to the max, Skipah. I love it!

  9. I read through the post waiting for the badger to appear, but not so much as a paw print in the mud or half a badger dropping. Personally, I think they may all have been infected with deadly Zinilealaria. Oh well, it’s sounds like you all had a great time anyway. Congratulations on your miniature golfing triumph. It’s one of my more successful sports too.

  10. I agree with everything Joey said! I do enjoy looking at everyone’s summer pictures; albeit on my computer from the comfort of my “cave”. Makes my heart happy to see everyone so happy, especially the kids, they’ve all three been through so much.

  11. Sorry Gary no badgers, but the sunset was sure awesome! 🙂

  12. Damn badgers, they have to show themselves during the day sometime, right? I would’ve bought that turtle, but then kept it for myself. 🙂

  13. I’m allergic to the sun, to the heat, to the humidity, to the bug bites, to the entire summer — except the fruit. No wonder I always enjoy Wisconsin 😛

    That ravioli — OMG, that looks divine, and my belly is full! — yum yum!

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