Remember the days when sending mail involved a stamp, a mailbox, and your local postman clubbing the hell out of an out of control dog? Weren’t those the days? In an effort to make the USPS obsolete, email became the norm. Email is great, I get roughly 1,000,000 a day. It’s life in the bloggy world, I’m two plus years into my second career (still pays less than a paper route) and weeding through emails is such a pain in the ass you would think I had a broken tailbone. It is a necessary evil for bloggers and is needed for more than getting reminders from your child(s) school.
Another perk or burden (depending on your point of view) is occasionally folks find you interesting enough to pitch their products, review events, and sometimes even throw some dinero your way for the opportunity to hear you wax poetically about whatever cause they want promoted. That’s the beautiful side, then there is the email sent to you from a potential media channel that reads:
“Dear Gary, we love your site and think you are one of the best mommy blogs out there.” That’s great that they think of me, but tell the damn college flunky to put down the bottle and at least READ the content before sending me an email. Does Skipah’s Realm sound like Scary Mommy or A Mother of All Trades in the seedy underworld of Mommy Blogging? The header image on the homepage just screams mom blogger with images of me and my daughter.
Between another post from Jason, a Nigerian prince just dying to send me billions, 16th century British relatives that left me a fortune, another court order for what amounts to nothing (divorce rocks), and the occasional Iraqi/Afghanistan veteran that has launched a mastermind plan to make everyone rich after the discovery of rare coins or some oil racketeering scheme from those two hellholes, my email inbox is always full of surprises. Since Skipah beams with patriotism, he reports all scammers that pose as soldiers!
I preface all this because I received the most interesting email I have ever laid eyes on the other day!
To a daddy with a daughter, let’s talk about infertility. Crazy I know. But I think you can help a lot of men trying to conceive. I’m writing because I’d love to know if you have interest in collaborating with my client Spermcheck to raise awareness of male infertility.
Many couples are unaware that guys are responsible for 20-30% of infertility cases. Yet, 80% of men in infertile couples won’t receive a fertility evaluation.
So what gives? Part of the issue is the misconception that men don’t have a biological clock. Some guys figure as long as they don’t suffer from erectile dysfunction, they can father a child at any age. Although Billy Joel just had a child at age 66, that’s the exception, not the norm. In fact, a University of Otago study found that age causes a decline in semen volume and motility, and men over 35 are about half as fertile as men under 25.
Today, if you walk into a Walgreens, you will likely find SpermCheck, the inexpensive at-home test for men that indicates whether an individual should schedule an appointment with his doctor to talk about his fertility. This tremendous step forward in family planning is thanks to the cell and molecular biology research of Dr. John Herr, a Professor of Cell Biology, Urology and BioMedical Engineering at U.Va.
Besides founding the Lymphocyte Culture Center and the Center for Research in Contraceptive and Reproductive Health, Herr holds 26 patents, he and his team have named over 30 genes in the human genome, and he has founded three Charlottesville biotechnology companies: Humagen, ContraVac, and most recently Neoantigenics. This latest effort promises a breakthrough in cancer diagnosis and treatment.
Thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you. The company is open to kit giveaways too.
I’ve never been more flattered in my life! Before I say another word, though, I do not want to belittle anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile. I’m making no attempt to insult anybody that has had to suffer from this condition.
How I got on the infertility radar is beyond me! I’m for raising awareness for any causes and have actually had a smidgen of success with colon cancer. I’m going to have to draw the line with SpermChecker though. My initial reaction is to start singing, “Here comes the SpermChecker, he’s gamete gangster, excuse me Mr. Doctor, still love you like that.” I thought this was some kind of scam until I actually visited Walgreens to learn this stuff does indeed exist for $45.99 (of course with your Walgreens discount card). This piqued my interest a tad, so I did a little more research.
At these prices, the drugs might actually be cheaper! Skipah’s PSA for the day “Hugs not drugs” kids!
Gender gap my ass! Forty-six bucks for Mr. Man to see if his sprinters can run versus 24 bucks to see if Ms. Mommy’s eggs can hatch! Get me Rachel Maddow on line one!
I thought the University of Otago might be the bastard cousin to some diploma mill online college. Of course, I thought Santa Claus existed until I was in my mid-20s, so what do I know? Before Mr. & Mrs. Academia starts hurling insults at me, I did look them up and holy hell it is the oldest university in New Zealand. Who knew the Kiwis were all over a study that showed older men don’t have the virility of a man in his twenties. In an unrelated study Skipah conducted on his own, men like to look at boobs. Groundbreaking research I know! I guess any of the older crowd that still wants to have kids needs to hire Billy Joel to breed their mate. Hell, it works in horse racing, why not with humans! Plus, who knows when little junior is banging on the piano screaming the lyrics to The Piano Man at age three, you two can hold your own Huggies vs. Depends diaper changing challenge!
Dr. John Herr is actually a real dude also and really smart. Like some mutant offspring of Stephen Hawking and Sheldon Cooper smart! He’s like the Michael Jordan in this field of medicine. I actually saw the University of Virginia for the first time last spring. If I knew our paths would cross (sort of), I would have paid him a visit to talk shop about infertility or Cavalier basketball.
I responded to them thanking them for actually getting my name right and having some semblance of what my website was about. I also kindly declined after informing them that my little swimmers just don’t get out of the gate anymore. Modern medicine made sure they drown if they even attempt to take the Nestea Plunge in the pool of life. Of course, they responded back asking me if I would be interested in promoting some reverse vasectomy SpermChecker love. Umm….no thanks. This should be my first and last post on male infertility. Let’s file this post in things I thought I would never have to discuss publicly.
That being said, men, if you would like to find out if the lead in your pencil is up to snuff, feel free to message me in private. Ladies, I’m not trying to break the “bro” code, but if you and your man have been going at it like a couple of teenagers in a Denny’s parking lot and nothing is happening even though your biological alarm clock is being tested worse than the snooze button on my “actual” alarm clock, let me know. I’d be ecstatic to request a kit from SpermChecker to send to both sexes from the Skipah’s Realm public relations department. I don’t mind saving you 46 bucks (again with your Walgreens card) to help promote the populating of planet Earth.
About it for now, I just got another email from PredictingLotteryNumbers.com that looks very promising. They claim to actually know the Powerball and Mega Million numbers in advance of the ping pong balls working their magic. If this checks out, I can finally scrap my lottery prediction machine that I have been working on for years!