The Gamete Gangster!

 

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Remember the days when sending mail involved a stamp, a mailbox, and your local postman clubbing the hell out of an out of control dog?  Weren’t those the days?  In an effort to make the USPS obsolete, email became the norm.  Email is great, I get roughly 1,000,000 a day.  It’s life in the bloggy world, I’m two plus years into my second career (still pays less than a paper route) and weeding through emails is such a pain in the ass you would think I had a broken tailbone.  It is a necessary evil for bloggers and is needed for more than getting reminders from your child(s) school.

Another perk or burden (depending on your point of view) is occasionally folks find you interesting enough to pitch their products, review events, and sometimes even throw some dinero your way for the opportunity to hear you wax poetically about whatever cause they want promoted.  That’s the beautiful side, then there is the email sent to you from a potential media channel that reads:

“Dear Gary, we love your site and think you are one of the best mommy blogs out there.”  That’s great that they think of me, but tell the damn college flunky to put down the bottle and at least READ the content before sending me an email.  Does Skipah’s Realm sound like Scary Mommy or A Mother of All Trades in the seedy underworld of Mommy Blogging?  The header image on the homepage just screams mom blogger with images of me and my daughter.

Between another post from Jason, a Nigerian prince just dying to send me billions, 16th century British relatives that left me a fortune, another court order for what amounts to nothing (divorce rocks), and the occasional Iraqi/Afghanistan veteran that has launched a mastermind plan to make everyone rich after the discovery of rare coins or some oil racketeering scheme from those two hellholes, my email inbox is always full of surprises.  Since Skipah beams with patriotism, he reports all scammers that pose as soldiers!

I preface all this because I received the most interesting email I have ever laid eyes on the other day!

Hi Skipah,

To a daddy with a daughter, let’s talk about infertility. Crazy I know.  But I think you can help a lot of men trying to conceive. I’m writing because I’d love to know if you have interest in collaborating with my client Spermcheck to raise awareness of male infertility. 

 Many couples are unaware that guys are responsible for 20-30% of infertility cases. Yet, 80% of men in infertile couples won’t receive a fertility evaluation.

 So what gives? Part of the issue is the misconception that men don’t have a biological clock. Some guys figure as long as they don’t suffer from erectile dysfunction, they can father a child at any age. Although Billy Joel just had a child at age 66, that’s the exception, not the norm. In fact, a University of Otago study found that age causes a decline in semen volume and motility, and men over 35 are about half as fertile as men under 25.

Today, if you walk into a Walgreens, you will likely find SpermCheck, the inexpensive at-home test for men that indicates whether an individual should schedule an appointment with his doctor to talk about his fertility. This tremendous step forward in family planning is thanks to the cell and molecular biology research of Dr. John Herr, a Professor of Cell Biology, Urology and BioMedical Engineering at U.Va.

Besides founding the Lymphocyte Culture Center and the Center for Research in Contraceptive and Reproductive Health, Herr holds 26 patents, he and his team have named over 30 genes in the human genome, and he has founded three Charlottesville biotechnology companies: Humagen,  ContraVac, and most recently Neoantigenics. This latest effort promises a breakthrough in cancer diagnosis and treatment.

Thanks for your time and I hope to hear from you. The company is open to kit giveaways too.

 I’ve never been more flattered in my life!  Before I say another word, though, I do not want to belittle anyone that has been diagnosed as infertile.  I’m making no attempt to insult anybody that has had to suffer from this condition.

How I got on the infertility radar is beyond me!  I’m for raising awareness for any causes and have actually had a smidgen of success with colon cancer.  I’m going to have to draw the line with SpermChecker though.  My initial reaction is to start singing, “Here comes the SpermChecker, he’s gamete gangster, excuse me Mr. Doctor, still love you like that.”  I thought this was some kind of scam until I actually visited Walgreens to learn this stuff does indeed exist for $45.99 (of course with your Walgreens discount card).  This piqued my interest a tad, so I did a little more research.

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At these prices, the drugs might actually be cheaper!  Skipah’s PSA for the day “Hugs not drugs” kids!

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Gender gap my ass!  Forty-six bucks for Mr. Man to see if his sprinters can run versus 24 bucks to see if Ms. Mommy’s eggs can hatch!  Get me Rachel Maddow on line one! 

I thought the University of Otago might be the bastard cousin to some diploma mill online college.  Of course, I thought Santa Claus existed until I was in my mid-20s, so what do I know?  Before Mr. & Mrs. Academia starts hurling insults at me, I did look them up and holy hell it is the oldest university in New Zealand.  Who knew the Kiwis were all over a study that showed older men don’t have the virility of a man in his twenties.  In an unrelated study Skipah conducted on his own, men like to look at boobs.  Groundbreaking research I know!  I guess any of the older crowd that still wants to have kids needs to hire Billy Joel to breed their mate.  Hell, it works in horse racing, why not with humans!  Plus, who knows when little junior is banging on the piano screaming the lyrics to The Piano Man at age three, you two can hold your own Huggies vs. Depends diaper changing challenge!

Dr. John Herr is actually a real dude also and really smart.  Like some mutant offspring of Stephen Hawking and Sheldon Cooper smart!  He’s like the Michael Jordan in this field of medicine.  I actually saw the University of Virginia for the first time last spring.  If I knew our paths would cross (sort of), I would have paid him a visit to talk shop about infertility or Cavalier basketball.

I responded to them thanking them for actually getting my name right and having some semblance of what my website was about.  I also kindly declined after informing them that my little swimmers just don’t get out of the gate anymore.  Modern medicine made sure they drown if they even attempt to take the Nestea Plunge in the pool of life.  Of course, they responded back asking me if I would be interested in promoting some reverse vasectomy SpermChecker love.  Umm….no thanks.  This should be my first and last post on male infertility.  Let’s file this post in things I thought I would never have to discuss publicly.

That being said, men, if you would like to find out if the lead in your pencil is up to snuff, feel free to message me in private.  Ladies, I’m not trying to break the “bro” code, but if you and your man have been going at it like a couple of teenagers in a Denny’s parking lot and nothing is happening even though your biological alarm clock is being tested worse than the snooze button on my “actual” alarm clock, let me know.  I’d be ecstatic to request a kit from SpermChecker to send to both sexes from the Skipah’s Realm public relations department.  I don’t mind saving you 46 bucks (again with your Walgreens card) to help promote the populating of planet Earth.

About it for now, I just got another email from PredictingLotteryNumbers.com that looks very promising.  They claim to actually know the Powerball and Mega Million numbers in advance of the ping pong balls working their magic.  If this checks out, I can finally scrap my lottery prediction machine that I have been working on for years!

 

 

BJ’s wholesale website - DHGate.com
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52 Comments

  1. Well, this was surely an unexpected read and hilarious as always. the digital world is a strange world to navigate, for sure(as is the world of male fertility, I imagine).
    Mandi recently posted…When Christmas HurtsMy Profile

  2. We definitely have no worries about this, all he has to do is look at me and BAM I’m pregnant. Hoping the Kiwi’s are right! I’m terrified of ending up pregnant more than a decade from now, just when we think we are in the clear. 😉
    Shopgirlanonymous recently posted…Ulta Mission StatementMy Profile

  3. I’m rolling on the floor laughing. Too funny. Especially in regards to your “mommy blog”. Good luck with those lottery numbers. I have my fingers crossed for you

  4. Oh wow! They are making all kinds of things available these days! Soon there’ll be no need to go to the doctor lol!
    Marsha recently posted…September Ipsy Glam Bag 2016!My Profile

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  7. Hang on…you’re not a mommy blogger or British royalty?? I feel like I don’t know you at all!
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Friday Frolics – 9th September 2016My Profile

  8. So, what are you saying, Skipah? You’re a man? I’m outraged to just learn this. Why are you hiding behind your mommy blog? This one was hilarious–and dear, GAWD, I shudder to think what else is in your, uh, inbox! 😉
    Lee Gaitan recently posted…Bye, Bye American PieMy Profile

  9. Soon you will not just be a winner at life!
    AnnaRosenblumPalmer recently posted…The shallow endMy Profile

  10. On the plus side you have a lot more years to be a target for this market, Gary. For we women past menopause it is wrinkle cures, incontinence aids and age spot remover!
    Shallow Reflections recently posted…You need to know about these obscure conspiraciesMy Profile

  11. I never get any fun emails like this for sexy topics. My are always kids sunscreen and child appropriate books. (perfect for an over 40 blogger with a teenager.)
    Rosemond recently posted…How to know when it’s time to start dating after divorce.My Profile

  12. Gary, I’m not surprised you’re hit up by many, including sperm kits. Everyone could use a funny spokesman, even them!
    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted…And The Countdown to Sixty Begins…(and I’m fine with it… really…I’m fine…gulp).My Profile

  13. I didn’t get this email. Should I feel left out? I feel left out. I do.
    Carol Cassara recently posted…Vulnerability and shedding armorMy Profile

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  15. Wow – you really do get interesting e-mail. I’ve gotten the same email from 200 different people over the past week. Funny how they all seem to use the same words even though they’re clearly different people (because different names).

  16. I did not expect this from your “Mommy blog.” Have some decorum, dude, lest the sperm gods strike you down, affecting your “sperm volume and motility.”

  17. You have to find out what the idiot that thought you were a mommy blogger was smoking! Might want to mix the drug in with my daily medicine regime.

    My husband went under the knife for me years ago because his procedure was cheaper than getting me fixed! Was in the room with him while he had it done. Waited on him hand and foot for about a week, until the swelling went down. (Was able to still walk back then.)

    All the emails I get are from tech companies wanting me to review their products. Don’t have the equipment or the mind to work with them anymore! Miss the equipment. The mind is sumewhere climbing the highest mountain peaks in CO watching the hippies smoking their weed up there!

    At least they did not drag your daughter into this mess! Give the little girl nightmares to learn you are really a mommy blogger in desguise.

  18. LMAO. Maybe you should write a post about men who want to have children getting checked. Heck, shouldn’t that be discussed in the dating stage? Example: If we get married and after a year of trying to conceive we don’t get pregnant are you willing to 1. get checked and 2. go through fertility treatments and/or 3. do adoption if necessary?

  19. You’re MY favorite mommy blogger, too! And that Nigerian prince has already sent me the money, so it’s gone. Hate to be the one to tell you. Love you Skipah. Well, not as much as your girlfriend. Or your daughter. And not as much as I love Michael. Or Riley. But still. Love you!

  20. I’d like to know more about your boob study. Was it a double blind study? We’re the results verified by a neutral third party test? How many boobs were studied? And do you and I agree on exactly what boob means?

  21. Ha ha – me too! I currently have an exiled Prince, someone holding the key to a fortune from one of my ancestor’s in Nigeria (say what?) and a woman dying of cancer that wants to smuggle out diamonds, money and a ton of bull-crap out of some obscure country with my help, chasing me with regular emails. Hilarious. If only they knew I am already drowning in diamond, cash, gold and medication to control my delusions of grandeur! 😀

  22. I just love you!! Perfectly written per usual! The “Nestea Plunge” epic.. and going at in a Dennys parking lot hahaha paints a great picture of some lovely couple hahaha!! Xoxox thanks for throwing me in there😘

  23. I liked your response to the unsolicited ad, Gary. Getting a great post from it is a result.

    I guess the email had a couple of points in its favor in that the information in it seems to have been more or less correct, the tone was polite, and it was vaguely (I mean really vaguely) connected to the theme of your blog.

    Even more impressively, it got your name (well, nickname) right and was spelled properly throughout. It was clearly written by the William Shakespeare of spammers.

  24. Haven’t seen this one, but yeah, the emails can be quite absurd. It really ticks me off when they don’t even address us by our name or obviously have no clue what our site really is. Good post as always, thanks for the laugh!

  25. Oh don’t even get me started on the barrage of advertiser emails and how most of them think you should feel honored to promote them for free. We do have to weed through what isn’t remotely relevant to our sites and wise up quickly on what is fair. You are too funny

  26. this is just all kinds of hilarity! You have the knack for cracking me up! Mommy blog indeed, LOL!!

    • Thanks Terri :), I try, seriously though who just goes out and solicits this stuff? I would think you could find takers in a more “specialized” area of the internet/bloggy world LOL.

  27. Ha, I love it. I got the same email. Told them I would take the test and post about their product if they paid me one cent for every’s sperm I had. Just kidding I didn’t say that but in hindsight I wish I would’ve now.

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