The Russian Dwarf and the Bachelor

If anybody knows of a good detox facility for hamsters drop me an email please.  After a weekend of watching Reds pitching Hammy has gone into full wino mode.  Hell one more weekend of this crap from the Reds I might join him.  I think we’ve given up 320 runs in three days, it has gotten to the point that I’m hiding the rubbing alcohol from him.  I don’t know how he is getting any KGB work done right now he’s been plastered ever since Friday evening.  I’m fully expecting Putin to show up at my door any day to relieve him of his duty.  I wanted a partner to watch Reds games with me this year, I didn’t know he would literally take to this baseball stuff like a Russian to vodka.  Oh wait a minute he is Russian, never mind I forgot Russian livers are constructed of cast iron and copious amounts of vodka ensures they don’t rust.

In other news this weekend, yesterday around here the only people liking the weather were aquatic animals and plants.  It literally poured all day, coincidentally, about the time I got out of work.  Putting the kybosh on any outdoor activities or marathon walking sessions I took to the indoors.  Lo and behold AMC is running a Mad Men marathon leading up to tonight’s finale!  I waxed poetic about it the other night so no need to go into my man crush on Don Draper.  You can bet your ass though at ten p.m. tonight I’m pouring Hammy and myself an old fashioned and watching the drama unfold.

In between watching Mad Men and the Reds getting the heads bashed in I did a little spring cleaning in the house.  The whole house got its own personal Summer’s Eve cleansing yesterday, got all my laundry done and no additions to the sock dating pool.  Not that my place was a pit, but a little dusting and straightening was required.  Even manage to shatter a glass door on my curio cabinet.  Tempered glass doesn’t just shatter, it EXPLODES!  Back in the divorce proceedings I gave up a fake Monet painting and three wicker baskets just so I could keep possession of my prized shop vac.  Those  rigid negotiations paid off in full as the shop vac had the mess cleaned up in no time, Hammy of course laughed his ass off at me but that may or may not been the vodka talking.  I pointed to the torture ball and he went back to belching the alphabet.

My Don Draper look alike kit came in the mail in it started paying off immediately.  I don’t know if my image got leaked at the women’s prison or what but my online profile was attracting more attention this weekend than a midget at the Big and Tall store.  To quote Glen Campbell I literally “had offers coming over the phone” (no I’m not a rhinestone cowboy either) thanks to Tinder.  Couple of potential leads so stay tuned.  Also any single ladies reading this and are online please be authentic on your profile.  Marilyn Monroe and Jessica Rabbit were “curvy”, do not select curvy when it’s obvious your diet consists of Twinkies and Big Mac’s.  Not making fun of “bigger” girls either before I have a PMS army marching out in front of my house, but really.  Select few extra pounds, big boned, or some other overweight option other than curvy.  Actually pretty excited about one but I’ve been doing this long enough now I’m not going to throw myself a parade or anything.

Today the weather relented and I got five miles in the morning and afternoon.  Also since Indiana is the maple tree capital of the world (pipe down Canadian) it was time to clean the gutters of the fledgling forest that was starting to take root due to the gazillion whirlybirds that had packed in there.  I knew I had a problem when the front of my house looked like Niagara Falls yesterday during the monsoons.  That arduous task was completed, and I made the Audubon Society happy by filling all my bird feeders and even got the hummingbird feeder filled.  Sloane will be so happy with me when she is here on Wednesday day.  Now if I can just keep that bushy tailed rats out of them (squirrels for you Kentuckians) all will be good.  Maybe if I can keep Hammy sober long enough he can shoot at them all day with my pellet gun.

About it for tonight, softball tomorrow so I’ll see the blonde bomber, yay me!  Now I have to send threatening emails to Time Warner to give me reliable internet, or hell maybe the KGB did hack my router.  Two days of this shit is getting old in a hurry, and I’m off to make various cheesecakes to keep the PMS army at bay when they show up before plopping down on the couch and catching one last episode of Don Draper and the gang.