Let’s get this weekend kicked off right! Luckily Mr. Skipah didn’t get blown away today due to the wind advisories in my sector of the planet as the Indiana Professional Kite Flyers Association (IPKFA for short if they even exist) were on cloud nine around here. Hell I think I saw the ghost of Ben Franklin at one time today it was that windy! With Miss Madison currently researching the next adventure in Skipah’s Travelling Road Show show for our D.C./Virginia extravaganza next month, Sloane off in the land of tobacco and moonshine, I thought I better check out how the good denizens here in the Skipahsphere have been arriving. I don’t have the Skipah’s Realm airport or bus terminal fully operational yet, so that could only mean one other way…..THE INTERNET SEARCH ENGINE!
Read all previous search engine posts here if you have the time. Again these are actual search engine queries that have stumbled onto my corner of the internet.
GIFTS FOR FLORIDIANS
If you have been patrionizing me for a long time (thank you by the way) you already know that once I saw this I doubled over in laughter so hard I may have pulled a rib muscle. This probably has something to do with this post, luckily that pest has pretty much been neutralized. Not being a Floridian myself I don’t have any great insight into this, but I hear candlesticks make a nice gift or maybe a lifetime supply of mosquito repellent. Even better ask this guy and gal for advice they known the area a little better than me.
It’s no secret team Skipah is an unadulterated homer for his beloved Cincinnati Reds, and last year I even took Sloane to a Reds game and had an absolute blast. This year I may just start a RedsRealm.com website for me and all the other Reds fans to have a virtual bar to toss back Maple Leaf Surprise shots and cry in our beers. Why? Because the Reds are going to suck worse than a cheap hooker in Tijuana, not that I have any experience with this (Hammy talks a lot when he’s on a good vodka bender) and all of us are going to need a place “Where Everybody Knows Your Name.” Granted those names will be RedMandino2619 and CuteCincyChick10021 but hey its 2016.
MARRIAGE RECORDS ONLINE FOR FREE
For the record I’m divorced and up to this point in life have not remarried, let the peanut gallery begin chirping now! If you want my marriage records just send me an email I’ll be more than happy to send you the information for free. Once you get the transcript and scream “What the Hell” at the top of your lungs for a solid hour, contact me again I’ll give you the rest of the story and that will soon change into WTF repeatedly. If I have to explain to anybody what WTF is you might want to refer to chapter six of Cussing Like a Sailor, rumor on the street is it’s available on Ebay and there are thousands of variations eBooks available I’m sure.
BLOGGER PORN BAN
Now I’ll give my own WTF. Are there actual porn bloggers or bloggers doing porn? Probably both, actually I know of one porn blogger in Sunny Leone only because the Indian Masturbation Club has made my site “mini” viral on occasion searching for her and finding my peaceful domicile of the interwebs. I’m a champion of many causes: Colon Cancer, Suicide Prevention (very personal to me), father’s rights (don’t get me started I’m in a good mood), anything to do with a 5k walk, saving the purple spotted ant, and Diet Dr. Pepper. I can’t rally behind any for of porn ban though, I don’t want a bunch of single men and teenagers egging my car every night.
KIM DAVIS IDIOT
I wrote a couple of posts on her out right stupidity so this makes complete sense. I doubt I showed up on page one of any search engine query, but I’ve been stuck on a search engine topic a few times and made it to page 10 before I clicked on a link. Just a reminder to my long time international readers….she was the county clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky and only bolsters my argument that most things Kentucky are ass-backwards!
DIRTY DANCING REVIEWS JENNY WINTON
One of my proudest blogging accomplishments ever (monetary division) was being offered tickets to Dirty Dancing on Broadway for a review. I kept it from Miss Madison for weeks only telling her to dress up so we could go to a new menu roll out that I was invited to review at an upscale Louisville restaurant. She learned the ways of deception (in a good way) of Mr. Skipah that night. For the record Jenny Winton absolutely killed it as Francis “Baby” Houseman and the look on Miss Madison’s face when she figured out what was going on is one that I will never forget!
Nobody puts Miss Madison in a corner!
IS DRINKING DIET DR. PEPPER BAD FOR YOU
Ummmm……No! It fuels Skipah daily, future kidney stone not withstanding. Its 23 flavors of a complex chemical composition that is rumored to put hair on your chest (men only) and improve your IQ by at least 25 points! Drink up is all I can say about this.
Disclaimer: Skipah is not a doctor and only speaks about the alluring qualities of this drink from personal experience
HOW I KNOW IF A BITTER EX WIFE PUT VOODOO ON ME
This might have something to do with my failed voodoo experiment I tried last year. This is yet another search term that puts a big smile on my face that lets me know that I’m making my stamp on the internet. To the person (presumably male) that searched this term, no she didn’t put voodoo on you, she’s just miserable and is trying to bring you down with her. Keep your head up because it will get better. Hopefully no children are involved, if so read http://www.skipahsrealm.com (see what I did there) from the beginning and you can truly see how screwed up life is when dealing with bitterness and children. Even better contact me and I’ll walk you through some super-secret divorcee ninja tricks on how to upgrade your companionship in the future and maintain your status a rock star dad. It won’t make your ex any less bitter, actually she will become bitterer because it will kill them to see that you are doing just fine without her.
It gets better pal, trust me!
And last but not least…
HOW TO STEAL A PIG
Probably has something to do with this, I didn’t exactly know there was a science to stealing a pig. Any pig I’ve ever stolen I basically showed up in the middle of the night hit the pig in the head with a blunt object to render it unconscious and then scoop it up and throw it in the getaway vehicle. The problem with stealing pigs though is they are filthy animals and don’t make very good house pets. My advice is to rethink your kleptomaniac career and get into a more proper line of criminal mischief like jaywalking or bootlegging Japanimation videos.
That about wraps it up for this round of the craziness known as the World Wide Web, to quote Bill Simmons, yup these are my readers!