You are out of your mind if you think I’m typing out a list of 41 things!
Thanks to the ultimate whack-a-mole nut job, better known as David Meade, I’m a little more than disappointed that the planet Nibiru didn’t pay me a visit this past weekend. I was looking forward to “The Rapture,” even bought top shelf liquor for the occasion. You know why Nibiru apparently decided to not engulf planet Earth as I was led to believe? Because it doesn’t freaking exist! I had already said goodbye to loved ones and was ready to be extracted from earth forever rid of Spice Girls music and Facebook “couples” accounts.
While we are on the topic of “couples” Facebook accounts, is there anything more shaming than this? This is body shaming times 100! You, me, and the blind neighbor that wears Depends knows what is going on here. Either the dude has been storing his meat in a different freezer, or the lady is getting her lawn mowed by someone not named her husband/boyfriend. Couples accounts crack me the hell up! Hey, I got cheated on, ended up divorced, but I’ll be damn if I’m so insecure I would mandate a “couples” Facebook page as my own. Pleeeeeeaaaassseeeee! If you don’t trust your partner and their judgement on who they deal with on Facebook, then you should either take the Bye, Felicia approach or seek counseling. If this offends anyone, I will be more than happy to talk about it “off the record.”
Another thing I’m most proud of is that I made it 41 years on this earth before it was scheduled to end. September 20, 1976, my mom hatched a child that would grow up to become an unemployed blogger on the same day in 2017. So how did my birthday go, you may be wondering? It went freaking awesome because my daughter and Miss Madison and the steps made sure it did!
Phase one of such a glorious day (still waiting on the federal government to declare this a holiday) had me dressing up in my finest rags, off and running to hopefully join the workforce again. My interview went great, and the first day on earth as a 41 year old was off to a flying start!
Update: Still waiting on a phone call, hoping they didn’t lose my number or I didn’t choose the wrong tie!
I was riding so high not even my ex-wife could shatter my spirits. I arrived back at the Skipah’s Realm headquarters ready for the next part of my day. None other than the Turtle Man & Miss Madison Jr. was there to greet me with some schwag they had apparently picked out. Not sure if they are running an illicit gambling ring at their prospective schools, or there was a reason my change plate was suddenly empty, for them to obtain such largesse to outfit me in some choice threads. The Turtle Man thought I needed a Dr. Pepper shirt and a Indiana University Hat. The Turtle Man did well!
Miss Madison Jr., whose snark level is starting to reach epic proportions, thought I needed an education in palindromes. That or she just discovered a new species of animal known as the tacocat and wanted to make sure I was aware of its existence. That’s right I’m now the proud owner of my very own tacocat T-shirt. I’ll be sure to wear this one at my next interview, hell they will probably write me up an offer on the spot before the interview when they see how cool I am!
The fountain is the preferred choice for this guy!
Did you know in the great state of Indiana, it’s the law of the land that the non-custodial parent gets at least three hours on their birthday with any spawns they have hatched on this planet? Last year I had to put up with some serious baby momma drama, and didn’t even get to see my only heir on my birthday. Not this year! It was off to the land of Bluegrass, bourbon, and thoroughbreds for an evening with Sloane. We had a lovely dinner at Bluegrass Sabor, traded laughs, and my little sneaky Sloane even got one over on ole dad.
“I know nothing!”
Since my bladder is permanently shot from my libatious use of Diet Dr. Pepper, I’ve been known to frequent the men’s room on occasion. This day would be no different, and while I was making a new porcelain friend, Sloane slipped the waitress a 20 or turned on the charm to inform her of my birthday. When it was time to settle up, we politely said no on dessert and I thought we were going out. About that time the waitress comes out with a Skipah special of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream pie that was divine. Sloane had set it all up with her from the start. Melted my heart, and to say she was proud of herself was an understatement!
Best dinner date ever!
Now this is a birthday dinner!
P.S. to the staff at Bluegrass Sabor, Khelsi (our waitress) was outstanding, friendly, and needs to get a raise ASAP!
From there I had to bid adieu to Sloane for the time being and head home to my darling, beautiful wife. (Call me a suck up all you want, I’m trying to score Billy Joel tickets in Indianapolis, this isn’t my first dog and pony show!) My former wife was as about as good at gift giving as I am at nuclear physics, my current wife BEST GIFT GIVER EVER! Two years ago when we were the “brand new” item on Facebook, she gave me a hand-painted canvas. Last year when I hit the big 4-0, she and the steps stuffed 40 balloons recreating things from 1976. This year, holy cow, she outdid herself!
Still adorns the walls at the hacienda.
Long time readers know alot about me. I have a Diet Dr. Pepper addiction that even the good people at The Betty Ford Clinic would find troubling, I am a Cincinnati Reds homer (yes, I know they suck), and I am an emotional spewer when it comes to my daughter and how stupid family law is, among other things. You would also know I am willing to walk through fire or wrestle an alligator for fresh seafood. More importantly not just any seafood, more like the finest blue crabs of the Chesapeake Bay in a patty form. Earlier this year I fell in love with crab cakes from Chick & Ruth’s Delly when we visited Annapolis, Maryland. Miss Madison filed this away in her memory banks, and surprised me with the best thing ever! Fresh crab cakes from said establishment! I have no idea what she paid, and I probably don’t want to know, but for three solid days this landlocked Midwesterner ate like he had a cottage on the Chesapeake Bay!
About it for now, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention to Blogger Nation I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up appearances. Looking for a job is a job in itself! My blog reading free time isn’t what it used to be and I promise to make it up to all of you eventually!