An Amazon Christmas

For a mere $2.44 (USD) I’ll be more than happy to send you an autographed copy!

Howdy there, did Santa bring you everything you wanted?  Did all the guys out there get a brand new shiny power tool that they talk about in greater detail than their first born?  Ladies, did the fat man with a white beard bring you the latest and greatest from a diamond mine in Sierra Leone?  Me, all I wanted for Christmas was a new house and millions of blog followers.  Santa was too lazy to even visit me, instead I got an email informing me a post every 10-20 days isn’t going to do much for traffic.  So moving forward hopefully I can up the writing game a little bit.  As for the new house……..I’ll have to save that for another blog post!

With my new found employment, getting enough time to actually write is tough.  Since Miss Madison and my family would like to spend some quality time with me every once and awhile, my computer time is somewhere between non-existent to extinct.  Did I mention, I’m actually working again?  Let’s recap December for a bit, shall we?  

I am the training coordinator for a logistics company that deals with Amazon.  In December that means I’m a delivery driver five days a week for Amazon.  The only training I’m doing right now is how to successfully manage a left and right turn without breaking into serious rashes of road rage with Kentuckians.  Click on that link…hell they can’t even issue citizens a proper ID!  Is there a state law I’m not aware of?  Is turn signal usage urged on a voluntary basis?  Look, I know we have some moronic Hoosier drivers also, hell we had to pass a law for idiots that use the fast lane of an interstate for driving too slow.  However, Kentucky driving is akin to a game of four wheel Russian roulette, throw in any rain and you might as well park and check your Facebook mentions.  Trust me, it is much safer!  We won’t even mention if a snowflake hits the pavement, that would redefine the definition of insanity!

Since I’ve canvassed damn near every Louisville, KY neighborhood the last three weeks, let me give every citizen of the country some advice during Christmas season if they want their Amazon packages delivered in a timely fashion.  Lose the damn inflatables!  I’ve never been an active military member, but I think I know what veterans had to endure with the Viet Cong (actually I don’t, forget I mentioned it) when it comes to booby traps.  Listen it is winter time, it gets dark early, these landmine like tethering ropes to keep your silly ass Snoopy Red Baron Christmas inflatable upright are work hazards!  Next year I’m packing a Red Ryder BB Gun with me and I’m taking target practice on any inflatable I see!  I’ve tripped on more of these silly contraptions than I care to mention, in fact I think I bumped my head so hard one evening that I probably should have entered the NFL “concussion protocol.”

You want your better half to get that one of a kind prized item that was made in a sweatshop in Thailand?  Here is an idea…..lock up your damn dog!  In certain circles I’m known as the Dog Whisperer, in other circles I’m known as Gary.  Either way, if your four legged pooch is ogling me like a delivery from Omaha Steaks, good chance you aren’t getting your package(s) that day.  All I have to do is take a picture of your little pet Cujo, and Amazon will be more than happy to remind me that I have a family to go home to also.  The next person that tells me pit bulls are great pets can kiss my arse.

If you are a good pit bull owner I suggest you start a club and make it mandatory that any pit bull owner attends, so that they can raise good dogs also!  I’m sure probably 10% of pit bull owners give the other 90% a bad name, but tough!  Even the American Kennel Club doesn’t recognize the breed.  If you have a rabid acting dog, you are not getting your delivery!  If it is a pit bull and I’m the delivery person, well I hope he/she likes dog treats made from arsenic if you want your parcel on your front porch!

Our tax dollars at work, the USPS make lazy people look like speed freaks!

Since I live in basketball country, I’ve seen zillions upon zillions of mailboxes adorned with University of Kentucky and University of Louisville gear.  Granted the U of L mailboxes come with a complimentary gift card for a pair of Adidas sneakers (#toosoon U of L fans?), but for the love of God……….here is a concept……….put address numbers on your mailbox, or house, or curb, or on your forehead!  Next time you come running to the door with your shotgun because a light has been shined at your house, you could think maybe it could be a delivery driver making sure they can verify your address.  God knows your better half wants their Vaping oil or their mail order bride catalog.  Granted this hasn’t happened to me (yet), but yes it has happened to others!

These are only some of the situations I’ve encountered.  For the most part, I have felt like Santa Claus at times.  Although, busting high school kids at home either smoking or “hooking up” with there sweetheart is quite humorous.  It isn’t intentional, I just show up after school has let out and knock on their door.  The ensuing hustle and bustle and a boy showing up out of breath to accept some packages is hilarious.  To the guy that was acting like a roadie for The Chainsmokers, your secret is safe with me!

About it for now, we are post Christmas these days.  I guess that means that extra large sweater that was bought for you even though you have been doing two months of TAI-BO is getting returned.  Guess who is bringing you that smaller sweater??????  Me and my team of ninjas!

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  3. Great reading about your experiences as an Amazon driver. All the best as you get back into training coordinating!

  4. Wow, I’m 12 days late to read you, but I’m workin my way through the emails. I don’t have a lot of time these days of new job, either. And I work on MLK day which is soooo saaaad.
    I had the inflatables that people let bonk and roll, and I sure don’t like encountering dogs without owners there to say, “It’s safe!” I don’t care what breed it is, how am I supposed to know it won’t attack me?!?

  5. Those damn inflatable ropes. If they are made in Mexico Trump might deport them for you.

    Great you’re back to work now so great on the computer time. Want me to email your wife and tell her your European fans need you?

    Happy New Year Skipah 😀

  6. Weird that you posted today (or maybe yesterday), Gary…I was thinking of bloggers I hadn’t heard from in a while! You have a LIFE now, so blogging may not be your priority! I know I got pretty busy this Fall teaching and dealing with a little anxiety (not from teaching), and dialed my posts back to one a week. Posting isn’t the issue, it’s feeling compelled to read so many other great blogs, so I decided to read my A-list bloggers as much as possible and save others for the day I post. Anyhoo, nice to hear from you and Happy New Year, Gary!

  7. Oh man, I can only imagine how annoying those inflatables are for delivering packages. Thanks for the good laugh at your expense. 🙂

    Also agree with you on the pit bull thing, dumb owners.

  8. Jeanette S. Hall

    All I got for Xmas this year was a brand new left hip! Kind of broke my original one one the 9th of Dec. Better half came home to find me sprawled on the front room floor unable to move my left leg.

    He rushed me to to the nearest emergency room covered by my insurance.

    From there I went to a rehab center to learn how to use my new (improved?) left hip. Thankfully had met the insurance deductibles for the year, so that helped cost wise. The next big question is will my new hip get me out of the dreaded MRI’s they use to keep an eye on how my multiple sclerosis is progressing? (PLEASE, PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE)

  9. your fortunate if you get everything you want from Santa. I didn’t. As for mail here, it sometimes takes a bill go just a few miles. Why is this? it’s because they send it 30+ miles out of the way then onto the destination. Go figure.Happy new year.

  10. I always hated those stupid inflatables. It’s funny how people who are too lazy to actually decorate will go to great lengths to make sure their inflatables are tied down.

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