Skipah’s Guide to Job Hunting

I swear, I should look into handicapping horse racing for a new career, that is a sound choice, right?

July 5th, 2017 was the last day I set an alarm clock for employment purposes.  My how time flies.  I would swear it’s been six years since I last went to work, not three months and change.  Let me tell you a little bit about being unemployed…it’s fun, it’s boring, it’s a good way to get stuff done around the house, it’s also a great way to fall in love with your bed.  Even better after a hard morning of painting and chasing dogs around the house, the four-legged seductress known as “couch” will beckon you for a visit to watch her buddy “television,” before wrapping her arms around you for a good couple of hours.

The part about being unemployed they don’t mention at cocktail parties, friendly church gatherings, and twerking dance lessons is……looking for a job is a freaking job!  I’m on a computer 30-40 hours a week, networking, hustling high schoolers out of lunch money, applications, job boards, updating resumes, etc.  Of course all of my hard work is compensated nicely in the form of monopoly money, but who am I to complain.  It is completely absurd in the internet age to try to find a job.  The old days you put on your Sunday best, typed (well I’m not that old…printed) out a resume, checked the want ads and out the door you went.  Unless you wanted to work for Harvey Weinstein or Barney Frank, but I’m not that desperate.

I might need to rethink that handicapping career, I missed this one by a mile!

So in this new confangled era known as “digital,” your best bet to get noticed is to open an account on the eight billion job boards that are out there.  Half of them are a front for spam, so be prepared to spend weeks weeding them out of your inbox.  To save my sanity, I won’t list all of them, but for example’s sake, let’s use Indeed.com.  Indeed is indeed reputable and the one I have had the most luck with in terms of contact.  

So here is how it works, open an account (free), upload a resume, and BAM you’ve got more offers coming over the phone than the Rhinestone Cowboy.  Actually, I wish it was that easy.  Remember you have loaded your resume that has all your information (assuming you know what you are I doing….I clearly do not), so you go to click on a potential employer that has caught your eye and nine times out of ten you are now going to be redirected to their company website to ENTER ALL THE SAME DAMN INFORMATION AGAIN!  Seriously, what is the point of posting a job on a job board only to have said applicant be rerouted to your company website?  One click apply on Indeed.com, turns into 15-20 minutes of data entry that is already on your resume!  

Hopefully though your trip down the mundane highway pays off, and you then will get a phone call that is more like a “screening” interview before a good old fashioned meet and greet.  This is the human resources department version of “Justifying their job,” since most of them don’t have a freaking clue whatever job you are applying for actually entails.   About half the time, before you get to start shaking hands and passing out bribes for a chance at employment, you get to fill out an online psyche evaluation.  I don’t know what human resources guru thought this was a great idea, but they should be drawn and quartered.  Most of these are borderline silly or just plain stupid!

Question:  Do you get angry in situations that you feel are unnecessary

Answer: Somewhat Agree, Disagree, Agree Strongly, Disagree Strongly, Neutral

Me I’m 41 years old and I have to answer silly crap like this to get a job?  Who doesn’t get angry at stupidity?  Does that mean I’m going to “Go postal”, not hardly.

Question: Can you work with an employee you feel is being difficult

Answer: See above

Me, look at my resume I worked for a pretty big company.  Do you think every Friday we all sat around and sang Kumbaya?  You find me a company where every employee gets along, and I’ll show you my winning Powerball ticket.  

I get it, don’t agree with it, but get it.  Then there is the wonderful assessment test known as the Wonderlic.  No it’s not a lollipop “guess the flavor” licking test.  More like a test that any working professional should ace with no problem.  NFL fans…yes that is the same Wonderlic test that Vince Young scored a robust six on.  The University of Texas had to be proud when that information came out, apparently he did graduate college, so he’s a leg up on me for sure.  Never done a Wonderlic test before?  Well, let me give you a little sample!

Question:  6, 16, 26, 36….what number comes next

Question:  Water is to a lake, like ______ is to a dessert.

You get my drift since I like to think I’m smarter than the average bear (just ask my ex-wife), I’m not going to pound my chest like I just conquered Winterfell.  If your mind doesn’t “process” information quickly I could see where this might slow you down somewhat.  You get 12 minutes to answer 50 questions and anybody with a high school education or who didn’t attend Boston College (I”m 1-5 in case you were wondering in fantasy football and Matt Ryan is my primary quarterback, so I’ve earned the right) should be able to pass it with ease.

If they paid out winning for picking fourth place horses, I would be rich!

You know what profession is apparently hurting for employees you quickly learn on job boards?  Insurance companies!  The turnover rate in this profession must be similar to President Trump’s administration!  They troll these sites like a bunch of drunk women Facebook stalking other women.  Mortgage and life insurance companies are just dying to make you rich with their centuries old techniques of spewing bullshit.  Seriously, any new website you sign up for you can bet your last dollar that you will get a message from an insurance agency within minutes.  I know nothing about selling insurance, nor do I want to!  Your life insurance premium is a tad higher than you care for?  Call your agent and tell his agency to quit pissing away money advertising on job boards and stalking people.  There is not one thing on my resume that says, “Gary would be a pro at fleecing old and young people on insurance!”  

About it for now, the job hunt process has been “interesting” to say the least.  Overqualified is code for “too expensive.”  I’ve interviewed with more people the last three months than Katie Couric’s entire tenure at CBS.  Frustrating…….definitely, waiting by the phone all day like a high school virgin expecting a call from a prospective lady friend…YUP.  Thankfully I have an unbelievable wife who has supported me the whole time or otherwise my sanity would be in question!