Building A Better Mouse Trap

What’s next Lay’s?  Liver and onion flavored chips?  

I’ve got a big problem in the Skipah’s Realm dojo these days, nothing on par with a sinkhole suddenly showing up in my front yard, but Miss Madison and I have a dead mouse somewhere in our hacienda.  Earlier this winter a renegade troop of mice led by General Ralph Mouse arrived clandestinely through the night on motorcycles.  At first, they infiltrated the garage and began breeding like virgins on prom night.  Only they weren’t practicing safe sex and were hopped up on Horny Goat Weed.  A week later their little infantry had suddenly grown to a battalion, and they tried in vain to overtake our house.  I don’t know if they heard President Trump was making it open season on mice for various lab tests or what, but they were seeking residence in our happy home.

To quote Lee Corso “Not so fast, my friend!”  I’m for mice extinction at any level.  I hate them, and PETA can kiss my arse!  I’m wanted in at least 63 countries for mouse genocide.  Per the dark net, Mighty Mouse is mulling a comeback to do battle with me.  All I can say is bring it!  Once I figured out we had a mouse invasion taking place, I did what any red-blooded male would do, I loaded up the cart at Walmart with mouse traps!

The day I walked in the house with 17 bags of mouse traps and peanut butter laced with arsenic, General Ralph Mouse would have been wise to hop back on his motorcycle and attack the neighbor.  Only he didn’t, and it proved to be a poor tactical move on his part.  Call me sadistic, Call Me Maybe (hey I just met you), but don’t call me a friend of the mice.  Hell, I hate Mickey Mouse!

You can believe me or tell me I’m full of butt excrements, but I may or may not have modified my 75 cent mouse traps.  Quick and painless death is only a pipe dream for these little paper eating bastards!  The hairpin trigger isn’t enough for me, I may or may not have filed the arming device to .0000000000012 of an inch (that’s like microscopic) so if they so much as breathed wrong their neck and nose could end up snapped.  If I had the time or engineering background, I would make all mouse traps into some sort of guillotine.  It won’t make any history books but the great Mouse Wars of 2017 should be a footnote for any future Mouseketeers book reports.

Once dead mice started showing up, did I dispose of them, I don’t think so!  They hung like a trophy on my wall as a lesson to all the other mice that dared to set foot in our living quarters.  Of course, dead mice stink (a painful lesson I’m learning), so Miss Madison insisted I get rid of them before our house is condemned.  Just to prove how stupid mice are, my wall of mutilated eyeballs and smashed torso’s didn’t stop the onslaught at all.  I finally captured one alive and had it sit on one of those glue traps just so he could watch all his friends go out with their own personal mouse pyre, before he went in alive!  Did I mention I hate mice?

I will burn anything for the sake of a “nice” fire, dead mice of General Ralph’s Mouse brigade is just icing on the cake!

After a couple of days of battle, my contacts in the rodent world informed me that a bounty was on my head and most wanted posters were being hung all over the place.  General Ralph Mouse even ordered my likeness burned in effigy…it didn’t work!  My modified traps, strapped with the finest in German cutlery, decimated General Ralph Mouse over a period of four days.  I may have made a small error though with the arsenic laced peanut butter.  A huge error!

Every time I walk into my house I smell a dead rodent!   Every piece of furniture has been overturned, I’ve sent The Turtle Man through the duct work armed with a pellet gun and a 100-lumen flashlight to no avail, my trusty steed Karma has been dispatched to all crevices of the house, and she can’t find it!  I’ve personally witnessed her eating regurgitated Kibble and Bits so nothing is too gross for her.  I may have slain General Ralph Mouse, his top officers, and all his troops except one!  He’s dead, but he’s hidden!  Well played, General Ralph Mouse, I eradicated 12 of your species but you sent one of your minions to be some sort of rodent suicide bomber. Not since World War II has such guerrilla warfare tactics been used by rodents.

About it for now, I just got home Lowe’sfrom  with a brand new 20 lb. sledgehammer.  It’s time to start knocking holes in the walls one room at a time.  I won’t stop until the house is sitting on nothing but the studs, or until I capture this four-legged grim reaper!

BJ’s wholesale website -
Send Skipah Sailing!


  1. Also. Tell us more about the chips. Did you actually try them?

  2. When I pulled out my felt-pack winter boots from storage last November one of them was filled to the (size 14!) top with dog kibble and birdseed. We’re talking a few pounds of the stuff, combined. A mouse was climbing into the bags and building a stash. RIP mouse. On a related story you might appreciate: we put bait out to take care of a colony of carpenter ants who were eating my garage from the top down. They ran a trail across a clothesline and onto a pergola, where they were dispersing. It was a big nest. A lot of traffic. Spraying didn’t set them back so I got bait they carry back to the nest. At the same time, we had a squirrel that was hanging around and becoming a nuisance on our roof. We were surprised to see evidence that the squirrel raided the ant traps. Who would have guessed. Two weeks later: no ants. No squirrel. Life is good. Now for the deer in the garden….

  3. My wife and were rolling on the floor laughing when you said this,

    “After a couple of days of battle, my contacts in the rodent world informed me that a bounty was on my head and most wanted posters were being hung all over the place”


  4. Lay’s eventually will find some combination of foods to stuff together which will replicate the smell of a dead mouse. I know that smell…but just from visiting out in the country…never from inside a home. Wait. Lay’s just announced peanut butter and arsenic chips. Hope the nightmare ends soon.

  5. Well at least Karma didn’t kill the little stinker and but the bloody carcus in your woek boots like one of my cats did while I was still in grade school! After a 5 AM wake up for morning milking. jumped into my boots wearing clean socks to feel something crunch when I stepped down in them. Took my foot back out to see a bloody sock and my cat proudly watching my reaction!

    So I took my sock off and with one bare foot the other still with a sock on, took some time to pet the cat. He deserved to get extra attention for killing one of the many mice in our rodent filled house! He was the head of our pest patrol (insects, spiders, and mice). Fortinately doubt we had any rats there.

    All my other animals have carried on in the same fasion, except for the last cat we adopted. His name is Dash, refer to him as Dorky Dash (he actually answers to that nick name), he is more chicken than tiger. Scared of his own shadow!

  6. Aw, I loved Ralph E Mouse 🙂 but like you, I don’t want him in my house. Perfect opportunity for the cats to earn their keep! Usually, the dog gets in on it, too.
    More graceful and natural than a sledgehammer 😉

  7. I’m with you on hating mice. So much so that I’m quite traumatised by this entire post and need a lie down!

  8. As the garage door was closing last week just before the door was down, a mouse darted inside. Patrick has set out 14 glue traps and that little *$%^&@ is now where to be found. Luckily it has been below freezing so there is no smell if he has suffered an untimely death. I feel your pain!

  9. All I can say is, “RATS!” Stick to mice while you can.

  10. You really set them on fire? What the heck? Eww! Dead mice flesh.

  11. Oh dear. That’s all I can muster for this one. Oh dear. That’s it. Nothing more.

  12. Does all the food & ice taste the way it should in your fridge/freezer? We had one that got sucked up in the fan under the fridge and every time you used ice and it starting melting in your drink it tasted like dead rodent smells. GROSS! Several years ago we also found one down in the couch, equally disgusting. Another place to check, do you have any counter top appliances that you don’t keep out all the time, one that has the hollowed out section to push the cord into when not in use? Found one in the cord cavity of our electric can opener several years back as well. The little suckers can get pretty much get anywhere so good luck, nothing smells worse than a dead rodent.

  13. I need Hammy back to go find this damn thing!

  14. Gary, I’m on board with mice extinction! Hate them!! I have one unusual mouse story too, but still trying to figure out how to start the story… You just gave me some inspiration to get going on that. Great story…laughed out loud!!

  15. Ha ha ha! You never win against those rodents, dead or alive.

Tell Skipah all about it!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.