I knew it was going to be “one of those days!”
I’m 39 years old and staring down the barrel of a gun at the big 40. I’m as proud to say I’m a Hoosier as much as the next happy go lucky Midwesterner. Our state has its own share of problems, but a lot fewer than most, and for the first time in my existence on planet earth (four years on Mars before that but that’s more secretive than Area 51), the great state of Indiana will actually get a say in the presidential primaries this year.
Florida, New York, and Texas, you can have all the talking head pundits salivating over exit polls and voter trends. By the time May rolls around, it’s always a foregone conclusion who the nominees are going to be and us Hoosier brethren have pretty much got accustomed to it. Then Miss Madison and I actually saw a Bernie Sanders ad on the television the other night. We don’t get political advertising until after the conventions! Holy Shit, does this mean Indiana is relevant this go around? Oh wait, you mean we get Don-orange Trump, Hilldog, Crotchety “get off my lawn” Sanders, Lying Ted, and that dude from a state over (Ohio) whose has a better chance of finding the Pope Lick Monster than even coming close to winning? Never mind–bring back the status quo, please!
By the way Bernie, it was a good run. It was admirable, hell at times it was even funny, but Senator Sanders, it’s time to go back to Vermont and enjoy your six warm days a year and start scoping out Shady Acres and asking the Ben & Jerry’s folks for fortified calcium laden ice cream to help those old bones heal at night. You are cooked. That leaves us with America’s favorite new reality show: The 2016 Republican Primary Race, Wednesday’s episode was one for the record books in this state.
Since it’s obvious Kasich just stays in the race to piss Trump off and has formed this weird pact with Lying Ted, he has suspended any campaigning in our state. Great message you got going there. I’m completely confused, by the way, do I get my campaign donations back? I single handily told the Indiana State Police Commissioner to have his boys lay off pulling those Buckeye plates over on I-70 near Richmond for you after all! Besides, Governor Kasich, if you are now helping Lying Ted, inform the man not to piss off an entire state and come off as a buffoon.
Senator Cruz visited Knightstown, Indiana Wednesday and proceeded to insult over half the population of the state. The fact he chose a town with the name of Knight in it would prove more ironic than “rain on your wedding day.” Hoosiers are simple folks: we like our corn, anything John Mellencamp puts out, and our basketball. Our basketball heritage is well documented whether it be high school, college, or on the professional level. Chill out NBA fan, the Pacers back in the day owned the ABA.
There was even a movie way back when about our love of the sport based on the 1954 Milan High School (Hickory High in the movie) basketball team, a very small rural farming community actually made it all the way to the state finals and beat big bad Muncie for the state title. Aptly titled “Hoosiers,” the movie is a must for any native Hoosier. Even if you aren’t a basketball fan, it’s a great movie, which is usually the case if you let Gene Hackman play the lead. If you are from this state and can’t recite at least one or two lines from the movie, you are either a transplant or you hang out with a deaf, dumb, blind kid named Tommy playing a mean pinball. Needless to say, basketball and this movie are partially woven into our fabric.
So Senator Cruz suddenly thinks he’s campaigning on the Hickory basketball court. No, Senator Cruz, it’s called the “Hoosier Gym”, Hickory is as fictional as the bogey man. I’d give you a pass on that, but then you try to quote one of the most climatic scenes of the movie and call a hoop a basketball ring? In Indiana, a basketball ring is an overzealous fan that literally has a basketball setting on their ring. Do not insult the creators of OUR movie and the social impact that is portrayed, quite eloquently, of a team of future FFA (Future Farmers of America) members who have never been to the big city. Go visit Milan next time you are in town; I’m pretty sure not much has change in 50 years. If you want to win this state next week, I would suggest you know who you are dealing with. Indiana usually votes Republican and you still managed to screw that up! Mr. Cruz was the appetizer for Indiana surrealism though, next up was Mr. Agent Orange.
Completely nailed it says the Razzie committee on excellence!
Enter the Don. I don’t agree with much of anything he says, but there is a reason he is the leading Republican nominee. Frankly, it’s because he’s not dumb and plays up his supporters. Indiana and most of the Midwest in general (except Illinois that is a different animal) could care less about some big city loudmouth telling us he’s going to solve our problems. What does the Orange Man do? He only brings in one Robert Montgomery Knight at a rally in Indianapolis Wednesday. Bobby Knight, aka “The General”, Coach Knight used to be the most revered man in the state and if this would have happened 20 years ago there would be no reason to even open the polls next Tuesday.
Things change though, and after Coach Knight pulled one too many shenanigans, he was fired 15 years ago. Evidently Mr. Trump is more important to Coach Knight than a whole state that made excuses and lived with blinders on when he was choking kids or just making an ass out of himself. The man wouldn’t even attend the ceremony this year honoring the 1976 undefeated team. A group of grown men that still look up to him as father figure and coach. A whole state wanted to see everybody playing well in the sandbox again, but Coach Knight flatly refused to attend. Any of the major players that had him removed are long gone, and this state wanted to see their coach back with their team! I’m pretty sure the current coaching staff offered him everything under the sun including a gift certificate to the local Asian massage parlor. Rumor has it they even paid extra for the “magic” package.
I didn’t see footage of the event, but the headline around here today was Bobby Knight says “Trump Most Prepared Man in History to Be President.” I’m sure the rest was Mr. Orange telling everybody how good he is and how many jobs he is going to create. I’m not so sure about that, but we go to the polls next Tuesday to decide. At this point I’m prepared to vote for the sitting student council president at Madison High School. The one year, the one freaking year Indiana gets to have a voice in a primary vote we have a list of candidates from both parties that would only inspire me to go on another House of Cards Netflix bender!
About it for tonight, Miss Madison and I have some summer trip planning to finalize, I’m getting ready to put my autographed Bobby Knight basketball on Ebay, and it’s time for another episode of Jeopardy!