Did Santa go on a Diet

Originally posted on December 25, 2014

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Merry Christmas everyone, I hope your Christmas was as wonderful as mine was!  Woke up a little later than 5:30 today so I call that “sleeping” in for me.  Ran out to get my morning Diet Dr. Pepper, got stuck behind LOTTERY GUY and as many stops at Circle K I’ve made in the last two days I know one thing is for sure.  The state of Indiana should have the nicest schools in the country and highways paved with gold with the amount of lottery scratch off sales I’ve seen in the last two days.  Either every out-of-town guest in for the holidays are degenerate gamblers or there are a ton of lazy ass people when it comes to gift giving.  Wished the poor souls that drew the short straw who had to work today a Merry Christmas and raced back home to get started on some cooking and to get Sloane’s Russian critter’s cage in pristine condition (I.E. shit free), by 10:30 I was chomping at the bit to see my daughter so I texted the ex to see if 11:00 a.m. would be a good pick up time instead of noon.  She willingly agreed so I was off to get my star pupil and get our Christmas party started.

Upon acquiring Sloane, and seeing my old dog Suebee (damn I miss her), Sloane proceeded to gripe about her mommy not leaving cookies and milk out for Santa.  They didn’t have the Christmas cookie cut-outs from our old house so Santa got left a pear and banana.  This didn’t sit well with Sloane, but I told her maybe Santa was on a diet.  I mean hell how hard is it to just buy some pre made cookies or something, but I digress.  She asked me what I left for Santa, I told her beer and pizza.  DADDY!  No you didn’t!  I fibbed and said of course not I left him cookies and milk.  Once we got home she opened all her gifts and then got to see her little Russian hamster.  She was thrilled, short of getting her a Shetland pony I don’t think I could have done any better.  So what cool kick ass name did this little Russian hamster get?  The most creative name in the world of course, Hammy.  No Boris, Nikita, or any other common Russian name, just plain old Hammy.  Sloane was feeling really creative today because the giant sock monkey I got her she named Socky.  She chased Hammy around the house for the next two hours while I got the rest of cooking done, Hammy drives his wheel ball (we are calling him a he from now on because it’s just easier) like a New York City cab driver in rush hour.  He was bouncing off every wall in the house, even damned near tripped me up a couple of times sneaking up on me from behind, Sloane found this hilarious of course.  Maybe Hammy is a KGB operative!

After our Christmas extravaganza, it was off to my family’s for Christmas and the yearly barb trading with my uncle who is in from out-of-town.  My uncle is a cynical prick, but I love him to death, and apparently so does Sloane now.  She chose him to sit next to at dinner tonight, and was giving it to him as good as she was getting it.  My whole family (as small as it is) is nothing more than a locker room mentality of every one busting each others balls.  It’s how we roll, and today with Sloane and my family was a pretty freaking good time.  Definitely took the stench of being alone for the holidays away.  I wish I could just take today and age seven itself and put it in a time capsule and always be able to unlock it whenever I want to.  I’ve never been more proud to be a father than today, and more proud of Sloane.  She went through a total hell herself this year and it never seemed to affect her.  There were moments now and then, but overall she soldiered on.  Does excellent at school, doesn’t act socially inept, and had to watch two parents go in opposite directions physically, socially, mentally and still loves both of them the same.  Through all of that she hasn’t changed a bit, I am fully confident she will be successful in life after handling this past seven months like a champ.  She is beyond awesome, I’m out of words to describe her anymore.  I swear she is 30 years old in a seven-year old body!

About all I got tonight, I’ve got a detailed list of instructions for Hammy when Sloane isn’t here and she is the last person I want to let down!  Well Katy Perry is on that list but she is a distant second!  Merry Christmas everyone, I hope Santa treated you as well as he treated me today!


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  1. My daughter can write a book on handling a divorce her age. She a rock! I am could write a 10,000 page novel on how she’s handled this (well actually I did I started blogging in July), but yeah Sloane is amazing!

  2. Divorce is the pits! Your daughter seems to be doing well than all of my grown children did. I thought staying for them while they were young would make it easier – and in some ways it allowed them to grow up in an unbroken (as far as they could tell) family, but that made it harder on them later I think. It’s never easy. It’s the rift that keeps on giving.

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