Don’t ever think you are solely to blame

After fighting with AT & T for a good hour, I’m finally online and rolling at my new place.  Got pretty much everything over here today my new place looks like downtown Baghdad at the moment but time will solve that problem.  Has been an interesting day for me, some good, some bad.  My wave of good feelings kind of crashed and burned a little bit today, but good friends are irreplaceable this is something I’ve learned and they helped me out today to get through the shitty parts of what all is transpiring right now.  My divorce is about to get ugly I think for she has turned into a robot, knows she is caught red handed, and probably even more pissed.  Who knows, like I’ve been saying this is not the women I was in love with.

Between the last two days I got all the details laid out for me, and it really made me feel like shit.  I had no idea I was this bad of a person or if my wife is just gone insane.  I’m getting divorced because she has fell head over heels for a man that is 11 years older than her (48), is currently going through his fourth divorce, he has two kids one is an adult and been in and out of jail and the other one he pays child support on but has been lying about his income and is currently in court over that.  I got left for that!  So how does that make me feel?  Like shit is how it makes me feel, it’s rather humbling to know that your wife hated you that much apparently to blow up my life, my daughters life to run off with that.  It’s very upsetting when I sit down and think about it, I know I am a better man and father than that, and personally I’m really sick and tired of her throwing that I am bad father at me!  Yes I could and should have been more interactive in our daughter’s life in hindsight, it’s not like I abandoned her though after being married that long we had routines, marriage is a routine, you take stuff for granted you don’t realize it until you have to go through this shit I’m going through.  So after getting all this news today, it really hurt that she is choosing this path.  It’s bad enough to be told by the person you love that you want a divorce, but then to find out it’s for this guy!  Makes you feel kind of low, pisses you off also though because of how hard I tried to make it work out and it was never going to work out she was done.  I hope nobody ever has to go through what I went through to save a marriage that wasn’t going to be saved.  Being spoon fed little snippets at a time to keep me at bay and keep the heartache up, June sucked period, after the last two days I figured out she really was done with me and was just trying to protect her own ass I guess.  I’ve got emotional scars that I’m getting used to but the way I got them just makes me sick, and for a guy who is going through his fourth frigging divorce.  I never thought my wife was dumb, after learning of this guys past my wife has lost her frigging mind in my opinion.  I tried to blame myself today about everything that has transpired, but I’ve had to many people build me back up, and I don’t want to ever let them down.  At the end of the day I’m as much to blame for going through this as she is, I tried harder than anything I’ve ever done before to fix it, in the end she never wanted to fix it her mind was elsewhere.  I can’t punish myself for her dumb decisions, it’ s my daughter and I moving forward.  I’ve been told by many people that have gone through this you are never going to get over this soon, ride the good days because there will be bad days and they suck.  Well since Friday all the days have been good, today was a bad day, and I’m getting through it better than I would have a month ago.  My pro bono therapist helped me out again today with advice about going through this, and she is the one I truly lean on when shit in my mind goes sideways.  The good thing is our little “sessions” are growing farther and farther apart, and have been for the past two months, but I needed her today and she was more than helpful getting me through this “bad” day.  I have so many “non monetary” debts to repay I might be 50 before I can repay them, but I will repay them and you all know who you are.

So got all my stuff for the most part at the new house today, I’m sleeping here tonight, new sheets, new blankets, new everything for me.  Like I said it looks like third world country in here right now, but you know what the first thing I did was?  Hang the frigging 55 inch TV on the wall that’s what!  I’m a mellow person and not looking for ultimate bachelor pad, but I still get to pee standing up, and if a bathroom isn’t available a tall tree will do just fine!  I’m a guy dammit, and big TV is important to me.  I’ve got the perfect room to hang a TV of that size, and even though my best friend that helped me install everything was freaking out the whole time it’s on the wall dammitt,  55 frigging inches of super bowls, AMC movies I’ve seen a 100 times, Reds baseball, and of course Dog with a Blog.  Parent’s will get that one, but it was kind of a I’m moving on achievement to me.  Sounds simple, but simple is good for me right now.  My decorator will go ape shit next time she is over but I promise her I am going to go through each room one day at a time.  She is in charge of making it all come together and it will, as much as I want my daughter as much as possible this weekend that I don’t have her is going to be beneficial.  I’ve got to build us a home and that takes free time without her for all the unpacking a organizing.  She will always be in my thoughts, I’m making the kitchen as user friendly as possible for her.  When I have her and there is no “events” to see to we are going to cook and bake for friends and family.  She loves to help me in the kitchen now, and she is at an age that she understands what measurements are for a recipe.  In a couple of weeks once it all comes into place this is going to be a destination place for her and always will be.  Like I said earlier in this blog, I want to be the cool dad, just going to take some time to get it all in place.

Need to wrap this up for the night, I’ve got mini blinds to hang LOL, and probably have to go Wal-Mart to check out the lawn and garden department for a garden hose.

 

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4 Comments

  1. I understand where you’re coming from. She’s not your lost rather she lost you.

  2. Gary – You have no idea how much I identify with this post. I know you’re past it now but I know the sadness, anger, confusion, rejection and betrayal you faced. One person can’t be the only one to try to work it out, I’ve found. A relationship needs both parties to be committed. I guess that’s where the writing is on the wall… I’m glad that this is the past for you and that you’re rocking and rolling now! 🙂

  3. Pingback: Divorce Redemption | Skipah's Realm

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