Product placement the future of blogging!
Florida Governor Rick Scott, you, my friend, are a pussy! You have just become the new face for Summer’s Eve! Sorry if this offends anyone, but this politician is more store-bought than a set of fake breasts! Florida SB 668, after zipping right through the House and Senate in his state, was vetoed by the good governor. What the hell, Mr. Scott, did the National Organization for Women offer you an under the table slow jerk or what? Is the Florida Bar Association promising you 24-7 tutorial on fellatio?
Even my new friend thinks Rick Scott is a wuss!
From what research I’ve done on this bill, it was a mainly grassroots campaign. Governor Scott, you just pissed off a whole sector of voters who are new to politics, good luck on that future Senate campaign funded by the Florida Bar Association. You’re done asshole, go seek employment with N.O.W. since you just made their wall of fame I’m sure! If #MyBabyTooBill gets to Indianapolis, passes the House and Senate by staggering margins, and then gets vetoed by the sitting governor, you can bet your ass things are going to get real in Indiana on the internet!
Disclaimer: Skipah loves women and does not belittle whatever positive contributions N.O.W. makes to society. However, they were celebrating about the news that dads don’t deserve the right for assumed 50/50 custody in the divorce process until proven otherwise. Divorcing dads, I said, not baby mamma drama cases! As for the Florida Bar Association, you can duck my stick anytime you want!
Rant over: Status Quo is now roughly 2726-0 against common sense when it comes to children and custody. Maybe Ashton Kutcher can mount a campaign against this absurdity; he had quite the run last year on public bathrooms not having changing tables in men’s restrooms! Ashton, if you are reading this, I loved you as Kelso and thought you did an admirable job in a no-win situation replacing Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Plus, anything that could potentially land me an autograph with Mila Kunis, I’m definitely going to help promote!
The C & G Quarry Cafe has been running like a fine tuned machine!
Not to go all John Lennon on you for a second, but it’s been “Strange Days” indeed in my hidey hole of the internet. For some reason more and more people keep reading this daily dribble (thank you, I’ve got Hammy working on appreciation letters), and it’s quite humbling. Newbie bloggers ask me questions and feel like they are “invading” my space. Hey there young Padua, we’ve all been there before, I’m not Mr. Super Blogger. Don’t let me or anybody else that has a bunch of “likes” or “comments” scare you off. We all started out with no clue what we were writing about or why we started doing this. Keep doing your thing and if you want to ask Mr. Skipah about something, please feel free. I’ve been in the trenches long enough that if I don’t know the answer, I am sure there is somebody in the neighborhood that will.
The blogging community is about the least competitive group of ego driven traffic whores on the planet. We trade tips and techniques all day like two lawyers sitting at a bar coercing talking about epic battles in family law. New blogger, we don’t bite, and feel free to ask the stupidest and silliest of questions. We all had piss running down our leg the first time we ever hit the almighty publish button. What you read out of most of us today, you wouldn’t even recognize our material when we first began. Welcome to the club, now get comfortable with your surroundings and take a few notes from Mr. Skipah.
Since I’ve been doing this close to two years, people think I’m an expert. I’m not, but it is still flattering nonetheless. Here are some Skipah tips for the new folks ready to go swimming in the cyber ocean.
Best month ever! Digging the new Google Analytics app update also.
Self-Host if you can afford it. Your website just became your baby and isn’t a slave to anyone! Plus you don’t have any filters to worry about (maybe a libel suit if you call a sitting governor a pussy), and possibly one day down the road, you will find a niche that actually earns you some coin. Free hosting sites are very nice, but if Pepsi wants to pay you to write a post for them, the lords of WordPress & Google are going to want their cut also. As an added bonus you have a plethora of tools at your disposal self-hosting if you have to occasionally neutralize a pesky stalker!
If you are a new blogger, use the WordPress platform for blogging. The WordPress community is awesome, and if you are blogging under their flag in the internet ocean, you are already linked up with a zillion bloggers. You just have to go find them; it takes more than a telescope and treasure map, but they are out there, and you can start getting followers and traffic almost immediately. I’ve never used any other platform, so I don’t want to say anything bad about the WordPress competitors, but I will say commenting on a Google Blogger account requires 26 pieces of information and a background check at times!
Affiliate ads are freaking awesome for about one day. You get to tell your friends that you are so freaking cool because you get to run Amazon and Best Buy ads on your site. Unless you are ramming home 500,000 page views a month you can expect to make about $0.01 dollars from these. Look at it this way—when you are on a website reading an article, do you ever click on the ads? Nope, didn’t think so. Using a few is O.K., but don’t turn your website into a scrolling banner for the latest deals at Gymboree. However, apply to every major network there is. Amazon, LinkShare, Share-A-Sale, and Commission Junction just to name a few. If you have an account with them, you have access to a ton of retailers. Next time Christmas rolls around and you are feeling like spending some money, drop an obscure link somewhere on your site and have a friend or family member access that site through your blog. You earn yourself money by shopping for you, and that is a good thing the last time I checked. As an added bonus you literally become a “professional” shopper since you are getting paid to shop!
Trust me this works—Miss Madison has a small Zulily addiction (plus a TMZ addiction, but that is a story for another time) and she’s bought me more dinner than she knows about shopping for discounted kids clothing. Before I get called a hypocrite, there isn’t one ad on my site that I don’t make a little something from. Not exactly Rockefeller money, but hopefully one day, newbie blogger, you get some monetary love from page views.
Put pictures on your blog. Don’t ask me how to be a PicMonkey ninja though; editing, cropping, resizing, proper saturation, etc.… is out of my league, which leads me to my next point.
Make friends with mommy/female bloggers. Guy bloggers, I can’t stress this enough! Yes, sometimes you will have to scroll through 24 straight posts promoting the latest #campaign or product reviews, but girls know their shit when it comes to photo editing! Plus, since only about 12% of the male population knows how to properly use Pinterest, ask any female blogger about it, and you will feel like you are sitting in a college level philosophy class. Mr. new male blogger, the blogger bible handbook section two, paragraph six mandates you must have a Pinterest account to gain traffic to your site.
Don’t count on Facebook to get your message out, because Mort is like Levon and likes his money too. However, there are countless Facebook blogging groups to engage in that will see your content exclusively. Somehow this silly rabbit landed in a group of few men and made up of mainly mid-life women bloggers. I wouldn’t have it any other way; those ladies keep me buying new hats on a daily basis for my ever expanding head. They treat me like a rock star (I have no idea why) and I try to provide some “male” comic relief. There are a zillion other things to touch upon, but that’s the joy of blogging learning these things for yourself!
About it for now, I’m currently starting an offshoot line of voodoo dolls in Governor Rick Scott’s name and need to get to work on that. Plus Miss Madison has turned in to my personal Lady Gaga and is literally “Living for the Applause” after her first product review was received with critical acclaim by the lifestyle page of the New York Times. That following sentence may or may not be true. Just two more days left until I get my favorite diva (Sloane) back for the weekend, and trust me this upcoming one has a chance to be epic. More to come later, but late April and early May in this neck of the world channels its inner Will Smith and gets jiggy with it!