The absolute dumbest idea to hit retail since the Chia Pet!
It was a great run while it lasted. The future veterinarian baron of the Midwest, or more namely my daughter, has graced me with her presence the last three weekends. Thanks to Thanksgiving being a dad year, my Little Miss Sunshine has been on a three-weekend furlough from her own personal Pelican Bay SuperMax Prison. With details I learned this weekend, Pelican Bay might be a tad soft, but I’m in a good mood so no reason to go on a classic Skipah rant . As this was our final weekend together until Christmas Day, who better to spend it with than Miss Madison and the gang.
First though, Miss Madison and I were already committed to another event early Saturday afternoon. Since Sloane loves her some grandma time more than dogs love licking their nether regions, she and her little gang of marauders were more than happy to let Miss Madison and I take in some “adult” fun for a couple of hours. You hear “adult” fun and I know most of you have minds that have been stopping up gutters for years, but it wasn’t that kind of adult fun. It was more like The Book Of Mormon on Broadway-Louisville, KY style!
I don’t think this is Joseph Smith approved, in fact, I’m willing to wager just about anything that is wasn’t.
Time to break character for a second and go all honorable Captain James Tiberius Kirk.
Skipah’s Log: Stardate 12/3/16
To add some more diversity in my portfolio, Admiral Skipah and his crew were on a mission to seek out the Kentucky Center for the Arts solar system to witness first-hand the Tony-award winning production of The Book of Mormon. Initial intelligence from Star Fleet Command had told us to prepare to laugh and if offended easily, head to the next star system. After jettisoning our younger cargo, First Mate Kate and I decided to investigate this phenomenon in the KCOA star system. With our phasers set to stun, we had Lt. Karma teleport us to the front steps. What happened next would involve a change of undergarments due to untimely liquid leakage, and seeking out area EMT’s for cracked ribs from being doubled over in laughter.
Okay, Gene Roddenberry has permission to kick me in the nuts if we meet in the afterlife, but …. holy Elder Arnold Cunningham what a great time. I haven’t laughed that hard and long since the last time I read a Family Law Statute. If you are one of my Mormon readers, I can completely understand if you are offended by this production. If you aren’t Mormon and need to laugh, go and see it as soon as possible when the production rolls into your town. Your non-theater types, treat this one as a giant standup comedy troupe with music and amazing sets, trust me you will be coughing up your innards. If you are a South Park fan, you will especially love it, since Matt Parker and Trey Stone were part of the group that wrote it.
Once Miss Madison and I regained our composure and picked up the offspring, it was off to dinner, but first I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how much I giggle when seeing the Miss Madison effect on Sloane. Last week during the Thanksgiving long weekend, Sloane and my most beautiful girlfriend (that should keep me from sleeping on the floor for a day) did a little shoe/boot shopping. Taking advantage of some Black Friday deals on the finest in footwear, Sloane suddenly had the interest to try and be interviewed for the online publication Boots, Shoes, and Fashion. Long gone are the days of that raggedy old denim addiction the hicks in her life forced on her. My baby girl is getting sophisticated!
I had to draw the line when she was adamant about sleeping in them!
If lost in New Albany, Indiana one day and have a hankering for some Japanese cuisine, look no further than Tomo Japanese Restaurant! It was hibachi love for all of us, and in an unrelated note, my eyes are currently filled with fried rice. Also, Mr. Tomo, I am fully expecting some comped dinner next time I show up for the name drop! I could care less because I would sell my liver to enjoy their fine cuisine. Sloane absolutely loves the place (she and I don’t get to frequent it like we used to), and I turned all the Miss Madisonions into fans after having a blast watching our chef singe our eyebrows and wowing the kids with the world-famous Mt. Onion volcano. My next “dad” moment in life is going to be introducing Sloane to sushi, I’m currently at buying her a pony to get her to try it. Hopefully, in the next year, I can get the negotiations in my favor!
How can you say no to a restaurant that dabbles in inferno style cooking!
Next up was a stop at America’s playground of Charlestown, Indiana. Actually, nobody considers it a playground unless they are into nefarious things, but they do know how to rock some Christmas cheer. Apparently, Santa’s elves ate some raw chicken and came down with food poisoning when they visited this little small hidey hole in Indiana, because they puked up more Christmas cheer than a free trip to the North Pole. The kiddos were in seventh heaven, and Miss Madison was threatening to leak photo-shopped pictures of me modeling women’s clothing if I didn’t put my cell phone away.
Residents of the area get some Christmas cheer, and the electric company is cutting bonus checks!
I lost (as usual) on the cell phone threats, after taking in the lights it was off for some ice skating. At least we thought it was ice skating. Stand by while I look up the definition of ice skating!
Ice skating is supposed to be on ice! You learn the hard way if you fall, your tailbone crashes on frozen water. It hurts like hell! It also teaches you to either learn how to master the art of ice skating or you are like me and say, “I’ll sit this one out.” In Charlestown, Indiana, ice skating is plastic planks interlocked. I don’t know if they rubbed them down with Astroglide or what, but it wasn’t ice. The kids didn’t mind at all, but I freaking did! I saw no future Peggy Fleming or Brian Boitano on this crap surface. When you fall on ice, you get up and knock off the shavings. When you fall on cut up plastic, you cringe because your kid just got their best pair of clothes filthy! I’m sure this isn’t the only place that advertises “ice skating” only to be performed on something you bought at Crate and Barrel. I got over it quickly, because watching Sloane have that much fun was better that time I burned down my backyard!
This not an approved surface of the NHL!
About it for now, I’m off to secretly destroy every Elf on the Shelf to save parents another year of “Oh shit” moments when lying in bed and forgetting to move the little crumb snatcher to a new a exotic locale in your house. This has me thinking, I wonder how our elf would do if he spent the night in the dog crate? They are supposed to me magical after all…right?