This is what a home looks like if you are a successful horse handicapper, unfortunately, I am not part of that crowd!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year if you are a Kentuckiana resident! We have this monster horse race coming up, and a Hepatitis A outbreak currently going down. Seriously, eating anywhere but home right now is more dangerous than juggling flaming knives! The recent assault on area livers is troubling, I’m all for making it a federal law that if you can be proven to “not wash your hands” and work in the food service industry you get 20 years in prison! It is freaking insane right now in this sector of the planet, fast food, five-star restaurants, diners, and Aunt Bee’s local “choke and puke” are all falling victim to this outbreak! Pro tip, when you are handling your “nether” regions in a bathroom, wash your freaking hands!
Eating outside of your home these days is literally a #LiverLottery, not since the great Arby’s Hepatitis scare in 1995, have so many people willingly took a needle to insure that their liver stays functional! As far as I know, my family and I still have fully functioning livers, mine is possibly corrupted, but that is a story for another day. So what better way to fend off these liver demons than a day at Churchill Downs!
I got invited with my brother from another mother to attend the most special time of year at the track. Derby week! If you have never been to Churchill Downs during Derby week, you need to put it on your bucket list and thank me later. When the weather cooperates it is even more special. Packing an umbrella for any event sucks, packing an umbrella at Churchill multiplies that times 20! No worries this year, as the closest star to planet earth decided to turn up the thermometer to a robust 80 degrees.
First stop…….Wild Eggs for breakfast. This was my virgin voyage to this breakfast beacon (just recently opened a franchise here), and let me tell you, chorizo biscuits and gravy are spectacular. There is a price to pay for eating anything chorizo but it was well worth it! If you don’t know what that price is, you are either sporting a cast iron stomach or hail from Mexico. Granted it was a minor inconvenience for the ultimate yumminess that is chorizo gravy!
This is a healthy breakfast, tomato juice and a full compliment of veggies!
I’m kind of a wild card, screw veggies, give me the good stuff! At first glance, I thought I was about to dive into some delicious curry.
After getting our fill of food, it was off to the sacred grounds of Churchill Downs. Worth mentioning, I forgot to take my allergy meds this day. If you don’t live in an allergy prone area of the world, I’m jealous, and trust me it sucks! Pollen, ragweed, and mold drive me battier than my ex-wife at times. Thankfully there are treatments for the former, as for the latter, we at least get along now.
Now it’s time for Skipah’s guide to betting on the ponies. DON’T! If you must (like me) then just pick horses and don’t bet the exotics. Pick a horse to win and then don’t watch some future glue factory four legged bastard screw up your exacta! Also, don’t get lured into those .10 cent superfecta bets only to spend 240 million dollars on boxing your bet to win $3.99, #dumbass.
My luck was running so bad Wednesday afternoon, I had degenerate gamblers laughing at me. Skipah’s “surefire” betting strategy was going about as accurate as a North Korean missile test. After suffering some gut wrenching defeats when a few races were over, Skipah decided it was time to “change” it up and try a new strategy chasing untold riches in horse gambling.
That horse that is about to finish second, I hope he can’t get it up if he ever gets sent to stud!
Armed with a wad of one dollar bills rolled up like I was going to “make it rain” at the local Gentlemen’s Club, I weaseled into the jockey’s locker room and was offering bribes left and right. These guys and gals are all about four inches tall and weigh about a buck soaking wet. So what better way to get in their good graces and offer them a buck to give Skipah a little edge. Not only that; with a few of those bucks they could actually go hit a dollar menu somewhere and you know…..eat! Apparently, some uppity short person alerted security to my nefarious acts, and I was promptly told to get back to my seat or spend the day mucking stalls. These damn jockeys and their Napoleon complexes ! Yes, history major, I know in actuality Napoleon was of average height, but these jockeys and their integrity these days! Dejected but not quite defeated, it was time to take a new plan to gain instantaneous riches.
If you believe a six-foot man, weighing 190 lbs, and looks like this actually broke into the Jockey’s room at the track…..well, call me I have to meet you!
My next bit of gambling strategy is known as the Woodford Reserve plan of attack. Instead of analyzing speed charts, results, class, and all that other crap that makes you sound like a douche when talking horses, I went a different route. Sip or chug (I don’t judge, after six races I was trying to find someone to finance me a 15 year loan to cover my losses) and you really don’t care if you are betting on a horse, goat, or guessing which girls in the crowd are “working” or just like the extra attention. By the way, this is a sport when a group of happily married guys are together.
My money was on “working girl” unfortunately this no-brainer bet was not offered!
In the history of sports gambling, especially in the equine industry, the Woodford Reserve strategy has never worked unless you are a leprechaun. In fact the “Woodford” costs you even more on your bad day at the track. In exchange for Woodford wisdom for every pick he gives you, he charges you also. Plus his picks are usually terrible, and thus ended the Woodford Strategy, by now we are almost done and I’ve cashed one ticket. I really hope Miss Madison will understand that we have to pawn her engagement ring when I get home!
Woodford Reserve sponsors this stuff, so go figure!
Notice who is the sponsor is again? Woodford Reserve #MakingBourbonGreatAgain
My final trick of the day to ensure future wealth for my family once Rocco and Bruno throw me in the Ohio River when I don’t make payments on the loan some mafioso shylock gave me, was to head to the backside of Churchill. This is where the money men, trainers, and people that know things hang out. Unfortunately that strategy was doomed from the start since by this time I’ve got about enough cash on me to order a pizza. Since none of these folks roll out of bed to offer up information for less than five digits, my promise to offer them internet fame on this website didn’t exactly pan out either. I mean come on Bob Baffert, I’m just trying to make a buck here!
Again if you think this dumbass somehow snuck into the backside of Churchill Downs and was shaking down trainers…..again we have to meet!
Both of my favorite ladies got to attend Thurby, for you non-locals that is Thursday before Derby. Don’t ask me about the spelling I wasn’t consulted on this! Plus they both left Churchill Downs with more than they came with.
About it for now, needless to say it was a memorable day at the track. These kind of things happen when you bet on four legged animals that are worth millions. More memories were made that I’ll never forget, and it all leads up the the biggest day of the year in my part of the world. The 144th running of the Kentucky Derby tomorrow! Even better I’ve got my daughter with me, and with her new found wealth as a horse savant, she’s showing me how to pick winners for tomorrow!