Jacob is Bringing the Thunder From Down Under!

I remember going out on a date with this one!

Recently, Miss Madison gave up our plans to have a bayside wedding ceremony along the banks of Gren Bay.  Why would we do that after invitations were sent and I got One Direction back together again to play the wedding, you are probably wondering?  We are both well-known travelers and recently took a two day trip to the land down under, not only did we get married in a picturesque Melbourne courthouse, but we got to go on our own safari throughout the countryside.

While kickboxing with kangaroos and playing five card stud for figs with Koala bears, we kept noticing these rather big creatures that had a habit of stealing our lettuce out of our knapsacks.  Finally after one of these purported “dragons” got ahold of my garden fresh radicchio, I had finally had enough and stalked this beast back to his lair.  What I found was a little guy so small and cute I just knew Miss Madison and I would have to take him home with us.  After some quick bartering with the head dragon that went along the lines of, “I’m taking him or you are getting a free ride to New Zealand, need I remind you of 2001?”   “No sir, Mr. Mathews, here is the little fire breather and you may be on your way, we lost many little dragons since the 2001 Rugby World Cup eating poisoned kiwis.”

Now I know right now you are thinking Skipah got married in Australia, that has to be the only thing unbelievable in those first two paragraphs.  Actually all of that was a figment of my imagination if you can believe that, it sounded really cool in my head when Miss Madison took The Turtle Man to the land of chirping birds, captured KGB rodents, and mysterious tropical fish.  Some people think this might be me describing North Kingstown, Rhode Island, but instead I’m talking about the local PetSmart .

With the Turtle Man turning six, we agreed he was more than old enough to take care of a pet.  We ruled out mountain lions and polar bears because of the upkeep but decided he would probably like a dragon, not the fire breathing kind, besides I think Puff has been dead for years. More like a Bearded Dragon Lizard, who coincidentally are native to Australia.

It’s a reptile friendly zone at the house with Turtle Man and his new buddy Jacob.

Three days into our own personal Herpaquarium, I’ve got to say not impressed.  The little dude just lays motionless for hours at a time under his Tommy Chong approved lighting system.  I’ve seen more movement in a cemetery.   We were told by the staff at PetSmart they are far and away the easiest thing to handle in the reptile world.  I didn’t know they meant just put a light on him and feed him and he will live to be 100 by not moving. I’m waiting for him to start chasing mice and picking fights with the dogs.

Watching him eat is quite the treat.  Did you know the bearded dragon’s diet consists of crickets, various kinds of worms, and leafy succulent lettuce?  Better known as the Skipah divorce diet.  Instant entertainment in this house finally doesn’t have anything to do with me and anatomical issues, we pop a batch of popcorn and gather around Jacob’s thunderdome when it is time to drop some unsuspecting mealworm to its final destination.  I think it is so cool I even took a video!  

Warning:  If you don’t like watching useless worms getting eaten by a lizard skip ahead.

Can anybody recommend a good table wine to go with my dinner?

Even better the Turtle Man wants to make sure he is properly educated in American culture.  What better way than reading some of his favorite bedtime stories to him!  This soon to be overgrown lizard should be reciting Dr. Seuss in a few weeks while enjoying the finest crickets in all of Indiana!

I will not eat Green Eggs and Ham, I will not eat them Sam I Am!

Now a word from our sponsors, or pretend sponsors; they aren’t paying me a dime but if you click on their link I do get some pennies.  Do you treat your pet as one of the family?  You do?  Then you need to go introduce yourself to the good people at PetSmart.  They live by the moniker “Where pets are family,” and their knowledgeable staff are more than at the ready for all your questions pertaining to the most reliable chew toy and the latest in fish cuisine for your pet piranha.  I used to have a buddy with a fishtank full of piranhas and they seemed to love the remains of our eaten chicken wings, but what do I know.  PetSmart is so excited to have jumped aboard the Skipah’s Realm ship they are ready to give you 30% off during Memorial Day weekend.  Click here
icon for all the exciting details, and if you do buy anything send me a receipt and I’ll split the commission with you!

Damn kids, you have to start them early to make sure they eat their greens!

Needless to say Jacob is a welcome addition to the family, I just wish he did more!  The Turtle Man is beyond ecstatic, and coming soon a backyard cricket recovery mission!  Actually, I don’t know who is more excited about the future endeavors of Jacob.  The six-year-old future stepson or the full of baloney blogger who is always looking for a good story!

About it for now, need to get some blog housekeeping out of the way real fast.  The Skipah and family will be busy as a coked up beaver during the month of June.  If you would like to guest post on Skipah’s Realm, feel free to inquire.  I charge nothing, nobody will read it, but you will get to join the Skipah’s Guest Bloggers Page.  That alone will put you into blogging immortality!  I have no rules other than you can’t be a snowflake, pimp your stupid blogging course, or give step by step instruction on how to make Walter White’s meth.  Other than that, pretty much anything is ok.  If you are from New York City, I would definitely love a submission.  If nobody wants to jump aboard the Skipah ship, no big deal, I plan on running my very own “how to” guide to blogging that will have to be broken down into separate posts.  All I can say about it is feelings will be hurt, lives will be changed, and some things just needed to be said!


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  1. that looks like a tasty long worm!! Loving the new addition to the family!

  2. June starts in two days! Enjoy the ride! Love the lizard (my mom kept a terrarium with lizards, snakes and tarantulas in them–not all at the same time), so I learned not to be afraid. Can’t have them around now, my dogs would just eat them!!

  3. You are downright hilarious Gar! 🙂

  4. Congrats on your new beardie! I had one for four years, she grew to be almost a foot long and she definitely became my family. They are fun when they are a little bigger because you can give them baths, let them run around, and play with them more!

  5. just wait til he wants a cheetah…….then come hit me up for tips.

  6. I love your writing style. You are so funny and just fun to read. Congratulations on your marriage! And that lizard would creep me out! You are brave sure. My kids have two guinea pigs and I won’t even touch them without gloves. haha.

  7. Becareful using Petsmart in the care of your various pets. Their veternarian at one site in CO about poisoned one of my two cats. I warned him that Raleigh was allergic to standard ravies shots, but they gave it to him anyway (there was another form of the vacinne available but they didn’t want to waste it on him). Was a long night of caring for a vomiting and unhappy feline. Helps to have first aide books for animals on hand when you own pets. Found a safe way to help calm his rebelluous belly. Would you believe 1 milliliter Kopectate per every 10 pounds of cat would stop the vomit comet?

    Still keep the medicine on hand even after my first 2 cats passed away. Use the practice with our current cat.

  8. Still trying to fill the void left by Hammy I see.

    • I don’t think I’ll ever be able to write about a pet animal like I did with Hammy. That dude was with me when I was single and story lines just flowed through my head. It’s like every Tom Clancy book I had ever read got to be played out by a hamster. Thinking of some Aussie angles though so stay tuned.

  9. It was such a treat to read this. Like the both of you, I am fascinated with lizards/dragons of any kind. I am after all born in the year of the dragon, so of course, I would feel a certain kinship towards these misunderstood creatures. And like the little dragon you now have, I don’t move much either…until I have to 🙂

  10. OMG. I used to read to my guinea pig. I think that so fun.

  11. I’m jealous, wish Kelley would let me get a reptile. Snakes, lizards, and turtles are awesome!

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