January is in the full swing now: Polar bears participating in Texas Hold’Em tournaments amongst themselves, Minnesotans are daydreaming about that one time the thermometer hit 32 degrees, and all of us are recovering from the food orgy we participated in over the Thanksgiving–Christmas daily double. I’m not about to rouse a degenerate gambling polar bear who is trying to draw an inside straight. Gopher Nation, I wish I could wave a magic weather wand and bless all of you with sunshine and flip flops, but not even I can do anything about geography. For those of you that had your scale wincing in pain over the holidays, I can’t help you, but I certainly have an idea that could motivate you!
The good folks at Healthy Wage are taking a gamble that you can’t lose weight. They recently offered this Dad Blogger an opportunity to captain his own team in their upcoming Dad’s Losing It campaign that is set to launch at the end of this month. It’s a three-month competition between you, your wallet, and your willpower to give up the cheesecake for a few months. It’s worth mentioning Team Skipah is an equal opportunity gambler and would love nothing more than for his lady friends to join his team.
I don’t want to hear a word of anybody sneaking off for some French Silk Pie, teammates! We’ve got work to do!
Here is how it works, for a one-time payment of $60.00 or three payments spread out over three months of $20.00 (Isn’t math great), you are joining my team. Our quest to get rich on the weight loss stock market is dependent on team members losing at least six percent of their body weight over a 12-week period starting on January 30th. If you weigh 100 pounds you need to be at 94 in 12 weeks. Also, if you weigh 100 pounds, you need to get off the Karen Carpenter diet (if you suffer from an eating disorder get help by clicking here, and that’s an order), and I’m kicking you off the team so you will gain weight. If you weigh 500 lbs., thank you for reading but let’s work on losing 30 lbs. in the future. I’d rather hear your success story than you keeling over from walking to your car.
Chili-cheese dogs are off limits! This is now known as “The Devil’s Food!”
If you make the six percent threshold, you are guaranteed to get your money back, and you get to split the pot with everybody else that has made the six percent commitment. If you don’t believe me, read this! This is potentially a better ROI, per my Business major friends that is also known as a “return on investment,” than rolling pennies for a lottery scratch off. If you sign up with Team Skipah, you are vowing to lose six percent and at least break even and fit into that pair of jeans that has laughed at you for months. More than likely you are going to be wearing those jeans in a few months when you have guys/girl’s night out at the hot new sushi restaurant that opened downtown.
Imagine date night with a plate of this in front of you!
These better be ammunition at your next food fight, not home made rolls about to seek solitude in the oven!
Healthy Wage does channel their inner Tony Soprano in the fact that they are “Running a Business Here,” so they do take a little off the top of any contest. Again, if you sign up and agree to lose six percent of your baby fat, you are guaranteed to get your money back. My top-secret contacts have told me that anybody that has lost the weight during a contest has done more than broke even. I wouldn’t start shopping for that 1968 Corvette Stingray in mint condition, but the Bahamas is eagerly awaiting to meet you. The more the merrier that sign up, the bigger the payout, so pass the word to all your friends that hold V.I.P. status at The Golden Corral.
It is time to get loaded on steamed vegetables, not loaded nachos!
Full disclaimer, as much as I would love everyone to join Team Skipah, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I get a little “bump” in the checking account. That bump amounts to 10% or six bucks (again isn’t math great), I’m mega rich in life so any proceeds I receive will be donated to the Madison Community Foundation in Miss Madison’s mother’s honor.
If you are thinking about “gaming” the system, Healthy Wage uses a foolproof verification scaling system so just walk an extra quarter mile a day and choose a salad over fried twinkies as an appetizer. You have less than three weeks to go all Weird Al Yankovic and “Just Eat It.” Smearing butter on anything that moves is going to be replaced with the motivation that you get for losing weight for money! If former presidents on green paper can’t motivate you to lose weight, nothing will!
Since Diet Dr. Pepper is the official beverage of Skipah’s Realm, it is more than acceptable to wash your healthy food choices down with this nectar of the gods.
About it for now, I’m frantically looking up logos for my Team Skipah squad! Let’s lose some weight and make some money doing it! I’ve got to be able to fit in my “skinny” jeans again, I’ve got a wedding coming up!