Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming……

Anybody that reads that head line and has a child born in the last 20 years will get it, and that’s kind of how it felt today.  Every time I would get pissed off about events beyond my control I would just tell myself that.  Today was a long day.  Work was a drag this morning, and then the whole day was one long drag with a few bright spots thrown in.  I did enjoy an impromptu lunch with a couple of good friends but after that it was just a long hot, humid, wet day.

As much as I look forward to being single, days like today remind you of how different it is.  After work came home for a little bit and was just about to head to my daughter’s cheer leading event today, but it was cancelled before I could even get out of the driveway.  I was really looking forward to it so I could see my daughter, but due to the extreme heat today, I lost that opportunity.  I tracked down my friends and forced my way into there lunch, they didn’t care and we had a good time.  It’s always fun to dine with friends and today was no exception.  After that it became a long day, after getting home I tried to just sit in the recliner and take a nap.  Didn’t happen, when I was married I would have paid money for an opportunity to come home and just fall asleep in the recliner, first chance I get living single, nothing.  After giving up on that fruitless endeavor I decided to go to the store and stock my freezer.  I’ve got plenty of provisions now so hopefully I can stay out of the grocery store for awhile, after that it was nothing, did some laundry, ran an errand, basically though nothing.  It was quite mundane, and don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with mundane, kind of welcome break from everything but it really hit me if I don’t have my daughter or something socially going on it’s just ME.  Nothing can really prepare you for that, I know I’ve been separated for awhile now but today was the first weekend day without my daughter in the new house since fully moved in.  This is home, and I love my house, but it was just so quiet around here today.  To hot to do anything outside and then to wet, had to cut my walk short tonight for fear of getting rain dumped on me.

Today was my daughter’s “big” birthday party that I was not invited to.  The only person I don’t get along with is her mother, and I can ignore her.  Hell I probably get along with the people there better than she does now including her own family.  That had me kind of ticked off most of the day, or at least it was in the back of mind.  The one thing though that was driving me nuts today though is her and her actions.  I’m all for getting divorced now, I’m all for us not being together, What I’m not all for is how one person can totally flip two lives upside down and not be accountable for anything.  That’s bullshit, I never saw this coming my daughter sure in the hell didn’t.  This no-fault stuff is really crap.  There isn’t one thing I can do for retribution, most people when they get hit in the mouth want to hit back, get pushed then push back, basically it’s just crap that someone is allowed to alter the courses of two lives without punishment of her own.  I have to pretty much rely on karma, and karma does have a way of rearing it’s ugly head sometimes, but that was kind of bugging me today also.

Things I have noticed lately since be single is you just see the world differently now, and I don’t mean that in a bitter way.  At times you feel like some sort of failure when you are with a bunch of married people even if they know your story and what a irrational, selfish person my wife has become.  Other times you see a couple fighting in public and you think “sheesh thankfully I don’t have to deal with that shit anymore”.  Everything about it is just different, I’m not some veteran of divorce so this is all new to me, some things are GREAT others things SUCK, I’m glad I’m back into some sort of a routine again but hate that it took so long to get there.  I’m just glad I’m getting back to a position of being myself again, the hiccups are getting farther apart, and I know there will be more hiccups along the way, but I’m laughing again.  I’m having conversations with people about stuff other than my situation and her.  I call this progress.

Really just a lot of nothing to talk about tonight, another day with out seeing my daughter sucks. Another day I didn’t communicate with her which isn’t really a big deal anymore right now.  Just got to adjust to my new normal, plan my Saturday’s a little better, and take life as it comes.  Nobody said this post separation stuff was easy, and it’s not.  It’s like learning to live all over again.  I was well trained dog up until two-three months ago.  I knew my role and what I had to do, I’ve got new roles and new to do lists now.  Getting them streamlined is going to take time, but I will get everything synced up sooner rather than later (I hope), when I find myself getting frustrated I just have to remember to “Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming!”

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  1. The best Post Divorce theme song “Got 99 Problems and a…”

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