Man Card Revocation!

Oh my, what do we have here?

How was your Memorial Day weekend?  I’ve currently been placed on temporary man card revocation pending a hearing from the man card committee.  What terrible infraction did I commit, you are more than likely wondering?  No, I didn’t buy a Prius convertible, nor did I spend all weekend reading Danielle Steele novels.  I did something far worse.  I made freaking turkey burgers!

I couldn’t even bring myself to post a picture of these alien bird patties

Look, I’m as red-blooded male as they come.  A burger is made out of beef.  Vegetarians & vegans, you can forward to the next paragraph, I’m not wanting to offend anyone here.  Last thing I need is some rabid vegetarian who hasn’t had his triple organic lettuce sandwich native only to Iceland, go all high brow and lawyering up on me with some kind of defamation suit!  So when I willingly agreed to this open flame tomfoolery, Miss Madison assured me it would be delicious.  Delicious is a strong word in my lexicon, but they did turn out tasty-ish.  I’m calling them turkey patties, because again a burger is made from beef.  For those of you who don’t know where beef comes from, next time you are out breathing that countryside fresh air and a smell a big nasty pile of steaming poo, it was more than likely Billy the Bovine dropping a deuce before the slaughter house came a calling.  Some call this inhumane, I call it the circle of life.  That being said, Mr. Skipah would prefer his cows go out peacefully and not tortured.  At the end of the day, the turkey patties were edible, but they were not the staple of Americana and Memorial Day affectionately known as the hamburger.

Other highlights from the weekend, in case you are new around here, this guy is getting married to the aforementioned Miss Madison in the not so distance future.  I woke up the other day wondering why my feet were cold, but quickly attributed it to the fact I might have fallen asleep with the air conditioning set on a blustery 65 degrees.  Just kidding, it’s all systems go here, this is Miss Madison’s second go around also, however, the first time she didn’t get to have a “proper” bachelorette party.  Thanks to her contact within the Ginger Society of America and another friend from around these parts, the girls took Miss Madison out for a fine time of adulting.  Mr. Skipah, always worried about his favorite lady and her companions, even used some high-level blogger influence and scored them a room at the famous Galt House Hotel in Louisville, KY for the evening….review pending of course.

I guess everything went O.K. she came home the next day.  Details are very sketchy though on what transpired, like some kind of chick Omerta!

With his fiancee singing bad karaoke and hoping to one day enjoy Cake By the Ocean, Mr. Skipah thought he would turn to his offspring for some intelligent conversation over the weekend.  Sloane would have none of it.  She is having so much fun in Florida that talking to dad was downright repulsive!  I kid because I care, but when you are competing against the ocean, Mickey Mouse, an aunt you barely see, and fresh seafood, I can appreciate taking a back seat for a few days.  She has been checking in with me daily reminding me of why the ocean kicks serious butt, and by all accounts having the time of her life this past weekend.

She seems to be doing just fine without me this week.

With all the special double X chromosomes in my life all doing other things, I thought I would help the newest edition to the household learn to be a “man.”  Jacob, unfortunately, hasn’t quite figured out what being a bearded dragon means!  The damn thing is scared of crickets!  I figured he was sick of mealworms and deserved a good juicy cricket or 20 for some added flare to his diet.  Maybe he was secretly longing for a turkey patty because he wouldn’t go near them.  I’ve pulled off legs, knocked some crickets out cold with a sledgehammer, and I even did some secret level CIA mind control on Jacob trying to get him to enjoy the savory taste of a cricket.  The crappie love them and aren’t scared of them, not sure what Jacob’s issue is!  He’s a bearded dragon, maybe his fire breathing powers take longer to mature.  Either way, he better learn to like them soon because sleeping at night with the steady hum of a chirping cricket it getting old!  I might have to send him to DBAP school, if this fear of crickets doesn’t get solved!

I don’t know if I need to sprinkle some powdered sugar on these chirpers, or offer him a pint of Australian Pale Ale to make him feel like he is back in his native Australia.

If you are keeping score at home, my fiance was enjoying her bachelorette party, my daughter has turned into a beach bum, and the future (hopefully) Aussie badass Jacob was acting like a snowflake that just found out what income taxes are.  With all this alone time, you would have thought I might have actually done some “productive” blog work.  Apparently, you didn’t know I’m horrible about properly using my time wisely.  What did I do instead?  Recon on our upcoming trip to Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and the Maryland/Washington D.C. area.

In case you didn’t know, Mr. Skipah loves a lighthouse.  A quick Google search of lighthouses in the area and, holy crap, I’m in for a treat!  Day one will be a cruise into the land of chocolate better known as Hershey, PA.  From there we are going to spend a day researching Rocky Balboa facts, visiting Diggerland so the Turtle Man can live out some serious six year old fantasies, and I’m going to figure out why the Liberty Bell has a big crack in it.  Obviously, we must be trying to learn why it’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the surrounding area that day.  Thankfully, I’ve befriended a local tour guide online to give me the ins and outs of the area.

I’ve already agreed to making turkey patties in this post, weeks ago I even agreed to vacation in New Jersey!  Chalk that up to two things I would have never have guessed would occur in this silly game of life.  Two days at beautiful Cape May (so I’ve been told) in New Jersey and the lighthouse orgy will be on.  Even better Sloane will be with us for the trip so she gets to experience the ocean for a solid two weeks.  I’m only going to be a short trip away from Atlantic City, so I might just have to see what in the hell Nucky Thompson saw in the place.  I could potentially blow the vacation budget to hell rolling some bones so stay tuned!  After our Jersey experience, it’s going to be three days at our nation’s capital.  I had so much fun in Washington D.C. last year that I can’t wait to experience it with Sloane.  Throw in me potentially overdosing on crab cakes since I will be near the heavenly waters that house blue crabs and it should be epic!

About it for now, if you would like to guest post on the Skipah’s Realm page while I’m chasing off sailors in Annapolis next week, please inquire.  Again, I don’t give a hoot what you want to wax poetic about, as long as it doesn’t involve curb stomping puppies or U.S. nuclear launch codes pretty much anything is fair game.

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  1. Until a year ago, beef burgers or pork or elk or deer or antelope or even bear or cougar were what was for dinner! My husband is the greatest hunter, and also we raised cattle and hogs and chickens. But, he developed type 2 diabetes and learned it could be reversed with diet alone! So, we went vegan! Yep. Intense! Now we make some our own “meats” with lentils, walnuts, oats and spices. We buy others made from soy. Not so bad when keeping in mind the reward: diabetes reversed! Gone! The “man card” carrier in our house still carries, he just doesn’t eat animal products! That’s a huge change in our lives! You have many changes and surprises ahead as you launch into your new life with fiancé and family! Sounds like you’re open to possibilities, and that’s such a good way to be!

  2. Like sizzling Sue, my husband & I are both 2nd timers/rounders … and I’m enjoying life immensely! I’m sure you & Katie will be mighty fine – you seem to gel together well. I’m sure you’ll make an awesome stepdad too ( your daddy skills with Sloane proves that). By the way, Jacob is super cute ….😜

  3. Being an aussie I already love Jacob! I’m with you on the burgers and am impressed you actually gave up beef for turkey. Both my husband and I are second time arounders and are still going strong 23 years later – nothing wrong with second time around if you are with the right person. Your daughter looks likes she is having a ball and that is what we want for our kids isn’t it? Have a great week!

  4. Turkey burgers? Vacationing in NJ? Have you fallen and hit your head recently?

  5. First of all, the immediate image. It set a high bar for this post and the post did not disappoint. I do love your take on things but the turkey burger, well, lots of men in solidarity there!

  6. “Alien bird patties” LOL!!! Those and veggie BURGERS are the only kind I ever eat–okay, with a maybe a yearly Five guys burger thrown in. I actually prefer the alien bird patty, feathers optional. 🙂

  7. ODing on Maryland style crab cakes is the way to go. I’ve got your guest post back if you need me.

  8. Am I adding tour guide to my list of areas that I’m an expert in? Though noone gives out prizes for being an expert on NJ, just a sneer and a mmmhmm judgy look:)

  9. You keep things hopping! Fun to read.

  10. Love turkey burgers! Wouldn’t eat any other kind of patty… except veggie. I guess females are less carnivorous…

  11. I’m with you on the vegetarian burgers…no thanks, but there can be some good turkey burgers if made right.

    Wish I could bring the family out to see the wedding and meet you guys. I know it will happen one day, just after you become husband and wife! Nice to see Sloane having fun as usual. To be a kid again……

  12. *raises hand*

    I’ll contribute a guest post for you, if the spots aren’t already full. 🙂

    Jacob was only practicing his distinguished dragon tastes by refusing to eat the “common” crickets you provided to him, I’m sure. 😉

  13. Well, please make sure that you let me know when you are in town. Would love to meet you and Miss Madison in person.

    • We will be staying in Laurel, Maryland. Plan on D.C., Annapolis, and I’m taking everyone across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge at least once to see if it is really the SCARIEST bridge in the country. Don’t worry though if we can make it happen oh it’s going to happen :).

      • Okay, I live in Beltsville, MD (the next town over from Laurel) and I work in Annapolis (where you’ll go). Let me know the dates and I will email you my cell number so you can let me know. We can meet for lunch . One of my favorite spots in Annapolis is Cantler’s. The best seafood. Very cool.

  14. a turkey burger??? what were you thinking???

  15. Awww I wish you and Miss Madison were in town with Sloane this week, I could have made you far superior salmon burgers!

  16. A little bit of libation and you won’t even notice that it’s not beef. Glad she had a fun bachelorette. I’ve gone set had one myself. I should get on that.

  17. Hate turkey burgers, too! I prefer a dead cow that I had help in raising for a burger.

    Jacob must be related to our cat who is scared of every bug in existence! So much for being the lead force in our pest control stagety.

  18. I don’t care for turkey burgers, but I make tacos with turkey and have converted more than two dozen people to them. I like a black bean burger, but to me it’s a whole other thing. Like, if you want a burger, turkey and black bean just won’t do.
    I’m glad the bachelorette party was a huge success and that Sloane LOVES the beach 🙂 I know nothing of lizards, but we mustn’t lose hope…

  19. Turkey burgers are not vegan or vegetarian. Either way they are gross. Turkeys are nasty animals. You are as bad as your buddy Sean at making me want to throw up over words….ask him which one. Where are we having the Bachelor Party????

  20. Thanks for the shout out Gary! Love you man. I have full faith that Jacob will find his inner badass Aussie soon.

    Those pictures of Sloane enjoying Florida were absolutely adorable. Glad Miss Madison had a fun bachelorette party and came back home to you afterward. You are going to LOVE Cape May! Big hugs to your crew.

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