Not every day is roses

Pretty ho hum day for me today, picked up my daughter at 10:00 a.m. came home and we came up with a plan.  I took her to the local festival in my home town and that was a good time for a bit (note to organizers cut the frigging grass), after that she wanted to go on the walking bridge.  I figured why not it’s only the third day in a row I’ve been there, and much to my chagrin she made it all the way to the other side and back.  I didn’t start losing her until the final third of the journey but she soldiered on.  I was pretty proud of her, hell my legs were pretty much jelly themselves.  We stopped at our old neighbors for a bit so she could see them and then it was back home for a desperately needed shower that she had to have.  She got to spend the rest of the afternoon in pajamas (don’t be envious) and said she was just to pooped to ride her bike.  I made her dinner (steak her favorite) and then we turned our “lair” into a theater room and watched Frozen on full surround sound.  She has been looking forward to it since I told her I got everything set up and it didn’t disappoint.  Made us some popcorn and it was just she and I.  Of course I was told to sit on the other side of the room in the recliner the couch was all hers.  No big deal sweetheart, it’s your world I only live in it.  After that it was obvious she was exhausted and after good night phone call to her mother she must have been asleep by 7:30.  It was a big day for her, and we had a blast.  Told me is was the best steak she ever had, she says that every time so I’m not going to put to much stock into it, but they were definitely tasty.

Other than that not much to report tonight, just another day in the world of divorce some days are good, some days are bad, some days are blah.  Today was blah,  I don’t miss her one bit. I’ve actually reached the point I hate her right now.  The emotional trauma my daughter is going through and holding in just pisses me off.  I know she is holding it in, I used to hold things in to long.  She won’t open up to me about it right now, but she will in time.  I don’t want her snapping out at school because she is upset, I want her to lash out at me, I want to be the one she leans on for advice.  The advice her mother may give her isn’t nothing but self serving for her mother.  I’ve bit my tongue all I can about her mother, but today it was obvious this whole thing is bothering her.  I hate it for her it kills me inside that she doesn’t get a happy normal family like most of her friends have.  I’m sure she has some resentment towards both of us whether it is unwarranted or not.  She’s only seven she’s not supposed to completely understand the emotional impact this has on me, her mother, or even her.  I’ve got to make this as normal as possible for her as I can and there have been times that isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Just seeing it first hand Friday and then today hurts me in ways I can’t describe.   At least she had a blast with my mom this weekend and I’m actually glad I agreed to let her stay an extra night that had crazy fun evidently and that’s all I want my daughter to have right now.  Anything to keep her mind off this shit, she already thinks it’s unfair she doesn’t get to see me like she used to.  She can thank her mother for that, I can’t tell her that directly, but it is what it is.  I’m the one taking her to social events and she isn’t going to forget that.  I’ve taken her to girls club events, school parties, festivals, and our time today on the bridge is something I’ll never forget.  Since evidently they still let bike riders on there we are for sure in the near future riding bikes up on the bridge.  She was mad that she couldn’t ride her’s, I was under the impression that wasn’t allowed anymore.  Three days in a row at the bridge it’s either the most unenforced rule in the area or they are allowed.

Since it took me so long to finally get some words flowing tonight I thought I would thank another person that has gotten me to where I am at.  That is my pro bono therapist, I work with her on a daily basis.  We don’t work at the same location but we have to talk daily and once this shit went sideways we talked daily multiple times.  She has been through something similar albeit not near as ugly as mine is, but without her who knows where I would be.  The first week all this crap went down I drove all around town for an hour and fifteen minutes just talking to her.  She listened and at that time that is all I needed, I sobbed, bitched, sounded pathetic, and she just listened.  It got me on my feet at the time, this was still very raw to me and I had no idea of what I know now, but she just listened.  I will never be ever to repay her for what she did for me then and going forward.  She is one to smack me in the head when I need it also and give me a pat on the back when I’ve earned it.  She’s from my hometown, she’s is awesome, I wouldn’t be here without her.  She slows me down when I get to worked up, she cheers me up when I need it.  I will never be able to thank her enough, I’ve told her that many times over and the kind of person she is she doesn’t want my thanks.  She is “good” people and one day I will figure out a way to repay her.  So on my personal blog I’m personally thanking her for everything she has done for me emotionally and personally she has no idea.  She has joined my inner circle whether she chose to or not!

Think I’ve said enough for tonight, started out without much to say and 1300 words later here I am, LOL

 

 

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