The stock price of Absolut immediately dropped 20%!
He survived being stuck in a desert in the remotest regions of the earth. He labored through the Cold War and the fall of the Kremlin. Somehow in his post-KGB life, he infiltrated the North Pole (after bribing a couple of elves) and took a ride on Santa’s sleigh. December of 2014, he landed at the Skipah hacienda all wrapped up as a furry little rodent and the best gift Mr. Klaus had ever brought my daughter for Christmas. Little did I know he would become “internet” famous and my future roomie for the many nights I didn’t have my daughter.
At approximately 6:45 p.m. on May 26th, Hammy was found in his three bunk Hilton unresponsive. I’m not up on hamster CPR, so there weren’t any attempts to resuscitate him. I’m not sure if the vodka killed him, or he finally crossed the Russian mafia one too many times, but Hammy is no more. Vladimir Putin is demanding immediate extradition for a proper state funeral for Hammy, but Sloane is having none of it. She took the news hard at first but immediately began working on his tombstone.
Sad times in the Skipahsphere.
Personally, while shedding no tears, a little piece of me died also with his passing. Hammy became a star on this site for the better part of a year. His penchant for gambling, double-fisting White Russians, and all the other antics he became famous for became must-read fodder for many of you. Hammy at first was a thorn in my side, but later became an American sports fan and his passion for staying on top of his HotHamsters.com profile slowed my internet speeds to pre-DSL levels many a night. Some nights when I stared at a blank screen, I would see Hammy training for his next mission on his wheel, and his determination would inspire me to write another crappy post.
They threw away the mold with Hammy at the hamster stork facility. The little vodka-chugging rodent always managed to find mischief and come out smelling like a rose. He survived numerous torture sessions with Sloane, but never fessed up any trade secrets. In honor of Hammy, let’s take a stroll down memory lane one last time!
Disclaimer: Some of these posts were written when I was still in a heated custody war, and hadn’t yet found Miss Madison.
Remember when Hammy was accused of stealing my remote control?
Then there was the time he got blasted and fell in love with NCAA basketball and became the biggest Notre Dame University basketball fan this side of South Bend.
Hammy by the end of the evening would be pretty much three sheets to the wind, watching the Cincinnati Reds, for that matter so would every other Reds fan the last two years!
Who could ever forget the Syrian-Russian war that almost erupted when Rosy came into the picture for a few months.
Rosy had no idea what she was getting into!
Hammy loved a vacation as much as the next hamster and took great pleasure when Sloane was waterboarding bringing Rosy up to speed on how she rolls.
Hammy loved The Americans television program and was known to binge watch it whenever he got the time.
He even became a part-time paralegal for me on a couple of occasions!
I could go on for days about the legend of Hammy, and one of these days, I’ll probably give him his own SEO corner on the internet. Hammy got me one last time though before his passing. While cleaning out his cell, I found a manifest authored by Mr. Hammy. Unbeknownst to me, Hammy was a legendary “stick” man in Siberia one winter while training for an upcoming assignment. With all of Hammy’s sexual prowess, he estimated there must have been 2100 bastard hamsters running around in Siberia that never knew their father.
Hammy wasn’t proud that he sired as many children as a modern day NFL athlete, but he took a shine to a particular daughter he informed me named “Muffin.” Muffin’s mom evidently ran an underground casino, and Hammy somehow schmoozed his way into her good graces (Hammy could win the heart of any four-ounce rodent vixen with a wink and a smile) and funneled any illegally-obtained largesse to putting her through the best schools in Russia and hamster KGB training.
I only mention this part of the story, because today at the pet store when Sloane was picking out a new hamster to put a smile on her face, a certain Winter White Dwarf hamster donned her best “puppy dog eyes”, and convinced the staff at PetSmart
to make sure her species was part of a Memorial Day Weekend blowout sale of 50% off. Sloane took approximately 23 seconds to say “I want that one!” Her original name was going to be Poison Ivy (don’t ask me, I can’t think like an eight-year-old), but on second thought, she named it Blueberry Muffin! I’ve got a little bit of Leroy Jethro Gibbs in me, and I don’t believe in coincidences!
She even kind of looks like him! Dammit Hammy, back to updating all my computer passwords!
About it for now, time will tell if I’ve got a new KGB rodent spy on my hands. Sloane has already begun her own set of “training” methods with her, and we will have to wait and see. Pour your favorite vodka spirit and drink one in Hammy’s honor this evening. Readers, what are your best memories of Hammy?
Thanks for the memories little buddy, R.I.P.
Hammy was an inspiration for many a post before I met Miss Madison.
I laughed and cried all the way through this. Having just found your blog, I shall return to read ‘flashbacks’ of Hammy alive and in the midst of previous antics.
It wasn’t good :(.
WHA?! Omg! I’m heart broken! I can’t imagine being there for Sloane’s reaction! 🙁
RIP Hammy… ❤️
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I do my best :).
RIP Hammy. Wow! Poor Sloane. I’m happy that she was able to get a new hamster though. You rock!
Thanks Lori!
So sorry to hear about Hammy. It sounds like things will work out with Blueberry Muffin. I’d watch your tequila- she sounds like she might like Margueritas!
As long as she is there I know you will!
I’ll have Miss Madison and the troopers with me, I’ll play nice :).
Yeah.
Feel ya there.
Aww come on. I am extremely superstitious about my babies!! Be Nice!
I’ll be up there in a month for the Taste of Chicago festival :).
You are not allowed in Chicago. Drink the kool aid and get on board! lol
I wish it wasn’t so :(.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/4ac76976fcbf170392e24ecc7fb08ce0/tumblr_inline_nxsg5wnLIV1rejlx2_500.gif
One too many white Russians I suppose.
It’s all good, I looked at Miss Madison and was like, hell a piece of my blog just died!
Hammy would appreciate that :).
He will probably be conning them into fixed poker game!
Well crud and corruption — that just stinks!
I’m sure he is!
Noooooooooooo! Well, more vodka for you, right? Unless Blueberry Muffin is a fan of the stiff drinks too. But I’m thinking all of those stiff drinks are what made Hammy “stiff” himself!
Anyway, sorry man, but at least the tombstone is nice.
This is terrible news. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll have a stiff one for Hammy tonight.
RIP little Hammy. Say hi to all my son’s hamsters up there!
I hadn’t thought of that angle….hmmmm.
Thanks, hopefully he’s causing Cubs mischief in the after life :).
With all of Hammy’s sins I doubt he made it to heaven, but he was too damn ornery for hell also :).
Thanks, I’m not sure if he ended up in heaven or hell (neither would want him) but I’m sure he’s causing mischief somewhere!
Poor little Hammy! I’m profoundly shocked. Can’t help thinking Putin’s behind it all somewhere. He was riding barechested on his horse the other day, which is always a bad sign. 🙁
So very sorry about Hammy, I will miss his antics. <3
A moment of silence….sniff
Aww, Hammy’s in hamster heaven! Glad Sloane isn’t too upset. Muffin sounds like a great addition as well as new blog fodder.
Sounds suspicious to me!
Funny thing this weekend, the muffin becomes a new member of the household and my internet has suddenly gotten wonky. Coincidence???????
Miss Madison smacks me in the back of the head on a daily basis, so yeah I’m covered there :).
I’m sorry about Hammy 🙁 RIP!
I did drink some vodka spirits last night - this was before I knew about Hammy. I will have to do it all over again tonight! R.I.P Hammy. Hello Blueberry Muffin! 🙂
So sorry for your loss (of a drinking buddy and blog filler) hopefully, your new Muffin will fill in brilliantly for you. Love the Gibbs reference but have to ask if you smacked yourself in the back of the head ?
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Thanks Joey! He lived a full live :).
I’m so sorry. What a great life Hammy had, even beyond his blog celebrity status. So rich, so full 🙂
Thanks Ankur! I have always tried to get admittance into the secret hamster society!
If he only knew how much impact he had in my life last year :).
In hamster-land, they’ve got you down as the go-to man for writing hammie tributes 🙂
This is very sad news. Poor Hammy!
Sloane was devastated, after consoling her I was like…damn I don’t have filler blog material now LOL.
Boo Hiss…