Saturday, July 12

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I just realized I was being cheated on…..OUCH!

Well, it’s been quite the week.  The divorce process has started; I won’t really talk about her at the moment.  I’m trying to distance her from my head the best I can right now.  Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard, but I have come to grips “This wonderful thing I thought we had is over.”  Just have to work on myself, it’s harder on the days I don’t have my daughter, but I get her back tomorrow and I can’t wait.  Let me just tell you though, you go a whole day without seeing your child no matter what kind of interactive dad you were before all this went down, IT BLOWS.

Being single for the first time in my whole adult life does take some getting used to, even if I have my daughter.  The days without her are a little tougher.  I now have a humongous void in my life and I had no time to prepare for it.  I’m far from rich so it’s not like I can just go live it up, and I know it’s still early in the process tomorrow will be two weeks, but all I can say it’s weird.  Last week I would just drive around on my parentless days and talk to whomever would pick up the phone and listen to me talk.  I found out quickly that gets expensive with today’s gas prices.  Last couple of days I just research and read on the computer.  Mostly research kids and the effects of divorce, what not to do, what not to say, how to answer their questions (child) when they come.  From everything I’ve read the questions will come eventually.  I just got to reinforce that both of us love her and this was never something she chose, and neither her mom nor dad will ever let her be harmed through this process.  As I keep telling my wife, we have lawyers for the ugly stuff let’s just keep it about her right now.

So I get home about 3:00 today from work, fix me something to eat, and next thing I know it’s 6:00 pm all I did that whole time was sit at kitchen table and research, pretty boring I know.  That’s the new me now, I’ve read enough stuff on getting divorced, reacting to divorce, coping with divorce, kids and divorce, kids after divorce, kids through a divorce, I think I could write a frigging book.   My unofficial big sister has been checking on me and my mom has also, and I’m good like I said it’s just a little weird at times.  My life was pretty routine before all this, and maybe that was the problem but I’m not getting into that tonight.  A routine that got molded the last 13 years and now that routine was broken.   I miss cooking, but can’t really see the point in making a glorious spread for myself.  I do need to get off of the Papa John’s diet though or all that weight I lost unintentionally will be back on.  I’d like to keep that weight off, hell I’m as light as I was in high school didn’t intend to get that small but I might as well take advantage of it right!  I’ve got to re-enter the dating scene eventually one day when I’m ready, might as well look my best right?

You know what else I find kind of funny, it’s like I’ve joined some club, and I had no idea all the frigging divorced men that lived in my neighborhood.  They all give me advice, listen to me bitch, listen to my whole “I have no idea WTF happened”, and I’m not throwing her under the bus with them hell they all knew her to.  It is a new “club” though that I didn’t choose to join, but I’m eventually going to be a member of.  I walk my dog more, and she loves that, but every damn man that has been through this stops me and talks to me, I’ve got one neighbor who wanted my cell phone number so he could tell me when my wife stopped at the house.  Evidently his first divorce was quite messy and he kind of gives me the batshit crazy divorce scenario.  I don’t plan on that with mine, I’ve made the decision to be amicable, and it only hurts me not to be.

Anyway, I get my daughter back tomorrow for the next two days and we added a bunch of stuff the other day to our bucket list so maybe we can knock a couple of those things out, she doesn’t quite grasp the bucket list at times I think, but that’s ok she a kid, all I know is I’m 37 and Thursday I was sitting in my living room playing with American Girl dolls and had a blast doing it.  So if she wants to add something silly and mundane as playing American Girl dolls with her, CHECK.  It’s all about her now when she is in my care.  She wants to run through the sprinkler?  CHECK Now I’m not just going to roll over for her, or be a “Disneyland Dad”, but I don’t have anything else going on when she is with me, like I said the other night we are going to HAVE FUN.    She has behaved better than ever on the days that I have her and I don’t see that being a problem in the distant future unless she is just exhausted and anyone who has kids knows what I’m talking about, but basically what she wants to do if I’m capable of it we are going to do.  I don’t have anything else to do right now, and going through this ordeal has made me cherish my time with her.   She’s my new “full time” focus, her mother made her decision and we will adjust and settle into whatever our relationship will be going forward.  Sure at times it will be hard, but my wife is pretty intelligent herself and it gets easier as the days go by so and we both have our daughter’s best interest in the forefront.  She and I may not agree fully on everything right now, but we are united that the transition for our daughter will go as smoothly as possible.  Like I said we got lawyers for the ugly stuff.

Anyhow, the Reds are rallying after blowing the lead in the ninth so I’m going to call it a night on here, and root on the Reds.  I think I failed to mention I’m a huge REDS fan and they are finally starting to play well.

BJ’s wholesale website - DHGate.com
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