2,555 days ago this piece of humanity was born, the world hasn’t been the same since! Kentuckians that is equivalent to seven years if you need a clarification.
I don’t know if is my affinity for bratwursts or polka music, but I had a little boy crush on Katarina Witt way back in the day. Don’t ask me why I was in love with a German figure skater, maybe it was her perfume, probably not though since I still haven’t met her. Apparently, all this pre-teen positive German karma has paid off, because May 21st, 2018 Skipah’s Realm hit traffic numbers not seen since Los Angeles rush hour. Granted I don’t live there but “I know a guy,” and he has confirmed this! Someone in Germany please stand up and be acknowledged as Skipah’s “star” of the month! Some loyal German fan or a CIA operative who had too many Beck’s and was looking up Oktoberfest recipes “to blend in” for his next assignment apparently got on an internet deep dive for the ages that put him squarely on the island of Skipah for a solid day. I had no idea damn near being eaten by a four-legged Rambo would garner so much attention in the land sauerkraut, but who am I to complain?
Just a little sidebar on another epic weekend that we just wrapped up here. Chicago trip, yard sale, Turtle Man’s birthday party, and sleeping patterns that only a meth addict can fully understand, let’s break this down, shall we!
Miss Madison Jr. was off to the “Windy City” for some fifth-grade fun learning about food, culture, and why no one in their right mind would willingly live in Illinois. Granted it was a one night, two day trip. I think Miss Madison and I should send flowers, gift cards, and thank you notes to any adult that chaperoned the trip. My friend(s) in Germany and around the world, let me tell you how stupid this Chicago trip was in terms of “enjoyment” for the kids. Leave out of southern Indiana on Thursday morning at five a.m., arrive in Chicago at roughly eleven a.m. Get home Friday night just after midnight! We are talking kids that are more interested in YouTube videos than sleep right now. I can only imagine the level of cranky that was going around Thursday night in Chicago, Illinois.
Back here in the motherland of Indiana, Operation DeClutter for Money (that’s a cute way to say yard sale preparation) was in full effect. Miss Madison had apparently staged a vicious coup and appointed herself Director of Operations for this project. Hell, who am I kidding, she’s the self-appointed czar for everything in this house, I’m just a “silly pawn in game of life” to paraphrase the sneaky underrated character of Mongo. She was barking orders at myself, Turtle Man, and Sloane like she was on some kind of power trip not seen since King Henry VIII! Move this box, price this, get out of my way, “I don’t care if you worked 27 hours today, that’s freaking impossible there are only 24 in a day!” Nothing was off limits last Friday night as our team leader (cough cough TYRANT) was making sure we had the biggest and baddest yard sale of all time. After that paragraph I’m currently looking for roommates to hang out with me in the garage….since our slightly used loveseat sofa (well except for the damage our dog has inflicted on the cushions) didn’t sell in the yard sale, I’ve got plenty of comfortable seating/sleeping!
Sloane was whipping up out price tags better than a 20 year seasoned veteran at Walmart!
Quick note, I like yard sales about as much as I like a size ten boot kick to the nuts, yard sale prep you can make that a size 14 steel toes to my gonads! I hate any and everything to do with yard sales! I don’t go to them and I damn sure don’t host them unless of course, the love of your life says otherwise! But, hey after it was said and done, everyone made enough money to order pizza that night and now our garage is somewhat empty…somewhat! Moving into a new house, the garage and basement become personal storage facilities until you find the time to get to them.
Guess who recently turned seven? Not me, but in dog years the age of six isn’t too far away. The aforementioned Turtle Man, that’s who! The initial plan was for a kick-ass pool party at the new hacienda, however, I never watched any Kato Kaelin instructional videos on how to open a pool of this size. The only people jealous of my pool right now are the Irish….and not because I’m offering unlimited drinking if they come and get the freaking green out of it! Pool frustrations are going to be a future blog, but since I let the Turtle Man down on getting the pool ready we instead opted to have his party at southern Indiana’s hottest new go to place! Clarksville Strike and Spare (this mention is on me, next time I want unlimited Golden Tee credits) is way way way more than a bowling alley!
Thinking about saying “screw it” and opening up a pay lake in my backyard. I’m up to just south of about two billion in chemical purchasing!
Turtle Man wanted a Lego cake, and thanks to that Crocker kid known better as Betty, he was pleased with it. Mrs. Crocker only gave me the idea of how to do it, the day this man makes a cake out of the box is when I’ve officially reached invalid status!
Laser tag, bumper cars, arcade, skating rink, food, and hell they decided to get medieval and throw in a bar! Granted at three in the afternoon at a kids birthday party was probably not the best idea in the world to see how well the bartender could make a drink. The Turtle Man was in seventh heaven, Miss Madison Jr. went all 80s on us and showed off her roller skating prowess. Sloane……um not so much on the rink, but on the way back that evening to her “other” house she couldn’t quit talking about how much fun she had. Any local yokels reading this and looking for activities for the kids, you can’t go wrong with this place. I even dusted off my golden right arm to bowl with the kids.
I inquired if Magic was on playlists at this joint, I got looked at like I was born 40 plus years ago! Now you are going to click on that link just too see what in the hell I’m talking about!
In a former life I used to carry a 225 average at the bowling alley, if you believe that then you would also know that I was the top seller of fragrances for various women at Apparel Candy! I hadn’t rolled a bowling ball in a good ten years! Ten frames later I remembered why my bowling retirement didn’t receive any media coverage. I did beat all the kids though, so my pride is still intact, still, a tad chafed that I didn’t break a 150, because in all seriousness I did use to bowl somewhat regularly.
The gestation period of a mosquito is shorter than how long it takes Sloane to get one down the lane. That’s ok with me, she was having a blast the whole day!
This place even has an adults only church to pray at when your children get unruly!
Once we were home and the womenfolk were stowed away, it was time for me to be a proper stepdad and show the little guy how to use his new Super Soakers! This much water hadn’t been sprayed since that time I wrestled a whale. For the record I went in the house with dry clothes, the Turtle Man is still hanging on a hook outside of the house drying off. It’s only been four days.
Respect the shirt! Ask Ted Cruz what happens when you don’t respect the shirt!
I’ve gotta be honest for a brief 20 minutes I felt like a little kid again!
About it for now, I’m off to check prices at local fish hatcheries to get this pay lake thing up and running. I’ve got to figure out some way to offset the costs of this major #chemicalfail! All is good in the Skipahsphere, well almost, I just got reminded AGAIN that the pool is green and they aren’t on board with my pay lake scheme. Sounds like I’ll be seeing my new best friend Jonathan at Leslie’s Pool Supplies!