Or something like that! If you don’t like sordid stories of a boy and his paintbrush, just move along nothing to see here!
In case you have been living under a rock or chasing hurricanes, I’ve been unemployed for about nine weeks now. Not for a lack of trying, and anytime the phone rings during the day I go diving for it like a high school freshman awaiting a call from a girl. Thankfully I’ve not broken any bones, unfortunately, I can’t get to second base with any potential employers. Recently though I’ve reached second, third, and hell even scored with someone else. No, I’m not attending any wild British olive oil pool parties or updating my Tinder profile, I’m happily married after all!
Nope, with the blessing of Miss Madison, my wandering eye has recently been captivated with somebody else. It’s made from pigment, solvent, additives, and hell if I know what else. It goes by the super cool porn name of Sherwin Williams. Sherwin and I have been tight while I’ve been unemployed. Think of it as a peas and carrots kind of relationship. Sherwin is into some real kinky stuff at times, but at the end of the day it always leaves me satisfied after it dries to the wall. Sometimes it is work to get to that point though!
Quite the love nest we have going here.
How much of a hassle is this new relationship? Anytime some fireworks are about to go down, Sherwin insists on being “primed” first. Talk about pressure! If Sherwin isn’t properly primed it won’t lay down in a proper fashion and insists we try again. Sometimes that doesn’t even work! This is the most work I’ve ever had to put into a relationship and it’s really a one-sided affair! Not in my favor either! I’m 40 years old (although not for long), and I swear Sherwin doesn’t care how bad my language is while we are together, or when it gets fed up with my bitching, it just likes to drop a big old dollop on the floor to remind me who is wearing the pants in this relationship. I have to keep wet tissues around 24/7 when I’m with Sherwin. Miss Madison approves of our relationship, but also gets a little bent if messes are left on the floor!
Dammit, Sherwin! I missed a spot and you’re dried now I’m going to be sleeping in the garage!
Do you know how freaking fickle my new friend is? From day to day I don’t know if it is in the mood for one, two, or three inches of heaving petting with a brush. I’m so confused I don’t know which way is up or down anymore. Try putting three inches in a spot that only requires one! Manson crime scenes aren’t as messy! We can’t have one session without me having to retrace where I went wrong and cleaning up after Sherwin. Go too fast and Sherwin starts running everywhere, go too slow and I swear Carpal Tunnel symptoms appear. I’m telling you this is the most work I’ve ever put in for a relationship!
Anything bigger and I’ll be shopping at Gigolo George’s Paint Brush Store!
Sherwin is even into mind-altering drugs. One time in the last month we were having another one of our epic sessions, this time in the kitchen, and lo and behold it morphed into a different color unbeknownst to me halfway through our rendezvous that day. I swear Sherwin roofied me that particular afternoon just so it would get a double love making experience of heavy petting with various different sizes of girth in the brush department. Plus Sherwin has its own store and tricked me into buying unnecessary products on more than one occasion. Hopefully, I can pass a drug test with any future employers because I have no idea what I’ve been exposed to at times over the last few weeks!
This is what is known as a $75.00 mistake, Sherwin just laughed the whole time. Miss Madison did not laugh.
When Sherwin is really wound up, the rollers come out! We have to get a pan out for these wild days. If I’m not too careful on those days, Sherwin will splatter all over the place. I call the clean up after these days a “bitch.” Cleaning up after these wild sessions involve more than moist towelettes, and the real kinky stuff like scrapers and putty knives get introduced! Cabinets, floors, dogs, really nothing is off limits. Yeah, you heard me right Sherwin is into paint kama sutra/bestiality with the dogs. Since our relationship has started, furniture has suddenly found little Sherwin babies adorning them. I try to use all the protection I can from this, but dogs are complete sluts in the Sherwin dungeon and don’t mind serving as carriers of the Sherwin DNA.
Sherwin loves getting into the trim as much as the next person. Only it involves a bondage like taping to make the experience palpable for Sherwin. No taping and Sherwin once again makes a mess worse than a toddler with access to a fountain pen with ink. If the trim isn’t properly taped, it’s a wash/rinse/repeat process on clean up. I learned my lesson the hard way on Sherwin’s moody ways and thankfully we have come to an agreement on this. My ex-wife wasn’t this difficult………..again this must be the drugs talking! I wouldn’t wish her on anybody!
Yes I know professional painters, if you know what you are doing you don’t need tape, I think I’ve proven I don’t know what I’m doing!
If you are scoring at home, our relationship is definitely rocky, but a needed one. I can’t figure out how many inches to use, cleaning up after Sherwin gets old, and Sherwin is into mind-altering drugs. So welcome to my unemployed life. I have found a new soul mate with Sherwin Williams and it’s a relationship I can’t just quit as much as I want to! Long story short……………I HATE FREAKING PAINTING!
About it for now, Sherwin just amazingly showed up on my lap to remind me it still needs a little tickling in a few spots. I can’t catch a break with Sherwin, this is more work than when I had a job! At least that one paid a decent wage, Sherwin is just taking advantage of me now!