Weather is in full Ohio Valley mode today, by my calculations we’ve had three downpours followed by sunshine and scorching humidity. Shut it Mr. Floridian, come spend a winter with me and then we can talk. I know the question weighing on every body’s mind tonight is: Why isn’t Skipah out on a date (it’s still early) or more importantly did Skipah finally get his damn yard mowed that he’s only bitched about for week(s). I will let everyone know that yes, my wild life refuge is now down to a nice trimmed yard, but it wasn’t easy!
I get off work and first stop was to Walmart, yes it was on a Saturday and yes I survived, and no I didn’t talk to the girl with green and black hair and enough crap hanging off her face that I was going to ask if I could borrow her to hang laundry. More starter fluid, carburetor cleaner, and temporary phone case until the lords of Amazon send me my new one. The mission was to completely take the whole damn engine and carburetor apart and get to the bottom of it. I can successfully say I managed to take it all apart and put it all back together. Not before banging every knuckle against some piece of metal, wearing a sexy, toxic cologne of starter fluid and 87 octane, and working my wrist cranking on nuts and bolts like a teenager with his first Playboy. Should have went back to Walmart, hell I could have maybe found a date with that lady killer scent.
The mower fired right up! Other than asking my prom date out 20 years ago this had to be the single proudest moment of my life. I actually fixed something mechanical. I immediately grabbed the ear buds, cranked up the smart phone to ear deafening levels and Katy, Avril, and JT were soon going through my brain as I was walking around like I made the Dean’s list at the local community college. The smell of fresh cut grass was intoxicating, I know how the hippies felt back in the day about grass now. Oh different kind of grass, my bad.
About 2/3 of the way through it died on me. Check the gas tank…voila….it was empty. I can fix that! Filled it up and pulled on the cord……nothing! Starter fluid again……nothing. More starter fluid…..nothing. Many colorful adjectives that would make a bishop blush….nothing! This turned into a vehement argument with me accusing the Troy-Bilt of sleeping with a Lawn-Boy and that it wasn’t good enough for a John Deere. This only pissed him off more because he summoned the rain gods to drop a quick downpour about five minutes later. Mr. Echo weed eater and I finished it up in the rain and I gave my mower the finger!
At least I didn’t see this little critter today in my yard!
He paid me a visit at work this morning, before slithering off in the grass in search of some vermin. I go back to work on Monday and guess what it’s the first day of June. June 2014 sucked gorilla balls for me. In the span of 30 days I was given a detailed 21 point list of shit to achieve to save my marriage (you in the back quit coughing “bullshit”), the stress of that caused me to go all Karen Carpenter (sorry mom) and lose 26 pounds. In a move that was so brilliantly played even General Patton would have said “That was strong!” my mind got turned into a frigging 8th chemistry experiment as Clonazepam was introduced to me by my doctor at his and my exes urging. That almost frigging killed me because lo and behold my marriage had done been over for months come to find out.
The chemistry, stress, impending divorce caused me to hit rock bottom on June 20th and I tried my best to make sure I didn’t see June 21st. Someone was looking out for me that day though as try as I might, I didn’t succeed. About the only good thing the ex-did for me in the last 12 months was call 911, then immediately called her lawyer. Yeah it wasn’t too hard to get over her after I got my head right.
Since I have since declared June 2014 the worst possible month of my life ever, lets kick off June 2015 and wish it is the best month of my life ever! First order of business hit the damn Powerball tonight! If that would happen I will give you a five star conn lock guarantee it will be the best month of my life. I quit fooling around with M.I.T. and Stanford grads on how to build a lotto machine instead and went old school. Hired some local Mafioso that made it a career in running numbers. So either I’m going to strike it rich tonight or I’m going to jail on racketeering charges. Who says I won’t go down without a fight!
Didn’t see the blonde bomber play softball today but I hear they kicked butt, she got on base once and drove two in. Monday is the last regular season game and then it’s the final tournament next Saturday. At least she is in dad’s care next week so I can give her my best Knute Rockne motivational speeches.
About it for tonight I’ve got to check on Hammy, as he passed out when I showed him the picture of the snake. Mentioned something about snakes being used as torture on some KGB comrades of his in a clandestine mission in Jamaica some years ago. When I asked him what in the hell the Russians were doing in Jamaica his only response was “its frigging cold in Russia, we were going to conquer the island for a winter retreat!” I think Hammy was on the bottle again today. Now off to check Tinder for the evening!