Remind me not to get my car detailed where this guy did!
With the tragic events that have unfolded in Mr. Skipah’s life this week, he thought he should “man up” and help Miss Madison out with the household chores before she returned from her impromptu Louisville, Kentucky vacation. That meant only one thing–to make sure the apple of my eye got to experience her very own clean sheet night at the Skipah’s Realm headquarters. That’s right, Skipah ventured into the laundry room for a fun-filled day of washing clothing for three kids, two adults, and all the bedding in the house.
First I had to pick the lock on the laundry room door as Miss Madison has seen me in action when it comes to operating the washer and dryer. After all, I am the guy that had his own “Sock Dating Pool” months before I had ever met her. After surmising the unit known as Mr. Washer, I didn’t know if I was piloting the Batmobile or playing pinball at the local bowling alley. Our washing machine has more bells and whistles than your local carnival, and it kept bitching at me every time I pressed the wrong button. Me being a P.H.D. in nothing, I was able to figure out this electronic nuisance and soon had the first load humming in sweet harmony. It was beautiful, I was texting friends about my grand accomplishment and everything. I was looking at the corresponding lights and was thinking to myself, “Why do people gripe about laundry, this is easier than scratching off lottery tickets.”
The lights were checking off one by one: Fill-bingo, Soak-piece of cake, Wash-now we are cooking with gas, Rinse-looks like I better start figuring out how the dryer contraption works, spin-………not to go all Lynyrd Skynyrd but ooh that smell! Mr. Washer decided he didn’t want to spin and suddenly it smelled like a four-alarm blaze at a Goodyear factory in our laundry room. I seem to remember back in the day GE appliances claimed to “Bring good things to life” as their catchy slogan. The only thing they bring good things to life to these days is a repairman’s gambling habit. Mr. Washer had enough of his current drive belt and decided to ruin my day and send me packing to the…. gasp…. coin laundry.
Why isn’t it spinning? The light says it should be!
Must have been made in China!
Armed with enough quarters to take out a whole fraternity in a Quarter Bounce competition, I was off to tackle the melting pot known as the coin laundromat. Thirty-five freaking dollars later I came out of there with a whole new appreciation of the human race. I don’t know about the coin laundry in your area, but in my neck of the woods, botched vasectomies pass as a more pleasant experience.
Are you kidding me? Do you know how many Diet Dr. Pepper Polar Pops four bucks will net me!
First stop was the mega washers that have had any and everything run through them. I saw one lady pack her washer so full I wasn’t surprised at all when her unit was gurgling and begging Mr. Scotty for more power by the end of its cycle. Bumming quarters from me for some dryer sheets was pitiful enough, until I saw her woofing down Burger King and their apparent one day sale of “Six Whoppers for a dollar.” Did she offer me one as gratitude for my charity…. that would be a big fat no! Needless to say, I had my guard up the rest of the day. A mere $16.00 dollars later my linens and wardrobe were all nice and clean, guess now it’s time to head to the dryer section of the complex. Turns out I would have been better off hanging them on a clothesline.
Look boys and girls this is what $16.00 USD looks like. Exciting isn’t it!
What in the hell is up with the dryers in these places? Seriously, I think my ex-wife puts out more hot air than these quarter sucking machines. Vegas needs to install the “Coin Laundry Slot Machine” in their casinos. It will tease you and tease you that you are winning, but of course you have to keep feeding it quarters.
These are advertised as dryers, personally I think they are bottomless holes for quarters.
Weclome to modern times, what is this 1950? Glad to know I have somewhere to go next summer!
To the obviously hopped-up junkie that tried to “steal” some of my dryer time while I was walking around taking pictures of my surroundings in case I got kidnapped or mugged, just ask me for a quarter next time. You watched me put what seemed like 400 quarters in the machine, you even commented to me how craptola the machines are. When I returned to square one in the 300-square foot mega complex, you suddenly were so apologetic because you “accidently” put your laundry in my dryer and feigned stupidness with the always admirable “I’m so messed up right now, I thought it was my dryer” line of thinking. I appreciate you asking me if I would like to buy a name brand name pair of size 46 jeans from you for ten bucks, but I am smaller than you are and neither one of us are nowhere near that waist size. I am sure he stumbled onto some of that leftover “blue” from the Walter White collection.
Not sure why this sign has to be posted, ice cubes could hold their own with these dilapidated contraptions
I am positive this particular coin laundry doubles as the Wal-Mart for drug dealers. Hell, even reached out to my Colorado connections for some of that legal weed to sell. Oh, wait it’s not legal in Indiana, better check with my contacts in the Cornbread Mafia on how to get the Denver Devil’s Lettuce here in Indiana. The whole point of this is, Mr. Junkie get some damn help and quit throwing your clothes in my dryer!
Disclaimer: Skipah’s Realm doesn’t advocate dealing drugs and only tells this story from a humorous point of view. If you can’t shake your drug addiction, feel free to contact me I will be more than happy to find you some help or help pay your bus fare to relocate to Colorado or Washington.
Since I was already having a bad day dealing with the passing of a dear friend, I really had zero to little patience to appreciate the absolute insanity that is the Coin Laundry of Madison, Indiana. I’m guessing the house next door must double as a local undercover police station. This would literally redefine the term “shooting fish in a barrel” for local law enforcement on catching people participating in nefarious acts that run afoul of the law.
About it for now, obviously since I’m posting in the year of 2017 I survived…barely. What’s that sound I hear in the background? Well crap, now my dishwasher sounds like it’s fighting off a nasty bout of indigestion. When it rains, it pours, I think I’ll just pour me a drink!