Tales from the Laundromat

Remind me not to get my car detailed where this guy did!

With the tragic events that have unfolded in Mr. Skipah’s life this week, he thought he should “man up” and help Miss Madison out with the household chores before she returned from her impromptu Louisville, Kentucky vacation.  That meant only one thing–to make sure the apple of my eye got to experience her very own clean sheet night at the Skipah’s Realm headquarters.  That’s right, Skipah ventured into the laundry room for a fun-filled day of washing clothing for three kids, two adults, and all the bedding in the house.

First I had to pick the lock on the laundry room door as Miss Madison has seen me in action when it comes to operating the washer and dryer.  After all, I am the guy that had his own “Sock Dating Pool” months before I had ever met her.  After surmising the unit known as Mr. Washer, I didn’t know if I was piloting the Batmobile or playing pinball at the local bowling alley.  Our washing machine has more bells and whistles than your local carnival, and it kept bitching at me every time I pressed the wrong button.  Me being a P.H.D. in nothing, I was able to figure out this electronic nuisance and soon had the first load humming in sweet harmony.  It was beautiful, I was texting friends about my grand accomplishment and everything.  I was looking at the corresponding lights and was thinking to myself, “Why do people gripe about laundry, this is easier than scratching off lottery tickets.”

The lights were checking off one by one:  Fill-bingo, Soak-piece of cake, Wash-now we are cooking with gas, Rinse-looks like I better start figuring out how the dryer contraption works, spin-………not to go all Lynyrd Skynyrd but ooh that smell!  Mr. Washer decided he didn’t want to spin and suddenly it smelled like a four-alarm blaze at a Goodyear factory in our laundry room.  I seem to remember back in the day GE appliances claimed to “Bring good things to life” as their catchy slogan.  The only thing they bring good things to life to these days is a repairman’s gambling habit.  Mr. Washer had enough of his current drive belt and decided to ruin my day and send me packing to the…. gasp…. coin laundry.

Why isn’t it spinning?  The light says it should be!

Must have been made in China!

Armed with enough quarters to take out a whole fraternity in a Quarter Bounce competition, I was off to tackle the melting pot known as the coin laundromat.  Thirty-five freaking dollars later I came out of there with a whole new appreciation of the human race.  I don’t know about the coin laundry in your area, but in my neck of the woods, botched vasectomies pass as a more pleasant experience.

Are you kidding me?  Do you know how many Diet Dr. Pepper Polar Pops four bucks will net me!

First stop was the mega washers that have had any and everything run through them.  I saw one lady pack her washer so full I wasn’t surprised at all when her unit was gurgling and begging Mr. Scotty for more power by the end of its cycle.  Bumming quarters from me for some dryer sheets was pitiful enough, until I saw her woofing down Burger King and their apparent one day sale of “Six Whoppers for a dollar.”  Did she offer me one as gratitude for my charity…. that would be a big fat no!  Needless to say, I had my guard up the rest of the day.  A mere $16.00 dollars later my linens and wardrobe were all nice and clean, guess now it’s time to head to the dryer section of the complex.  Turns out I would have been better off hanging them on a clothesline.

Look boys and girls this is what $16.00 USD looks like.  Exciting isn’t it!

What in the hell is up with the dryers in these places?  Seriously, I think my ex-wife puts out more hot air than these quarter sucking machines.  Vegas needs to install the “Coin Laundry Slot Machine” in their casinos.  It will tease you and tease you that you are winning, but of course you have to keep feeding it quarters.

These are advertised as dryers, personally I think they are bottomless holes for quarters.

Weclome to modern times, what is this 1950?  Glad to know I have somewhere to go next summer!

To the obviously hopped-up junkie that tried to “steal” some of my dryer time while I was walking around taking pictures of my surroundings in case I got kidnapped or mugged, just ask me for a quarter next time.  You watched me put what seemed like 400 quarters in the machine, you even commented to me how craptola the machines are.  When I returned to square one in the 300-square foot mega complex, you suddenly were so apologetic because you “accidently” put your laundry in my dryer and feigned stupidness with the always admirable “I’m so messed up right now, I thought it was my dryer” line of thinking.  I appreciate you asking me if I would like to buy a name brand name pair of size 46 jeans from you for ten bucks, but I am smaller than you are and neither one of us are nowhere near that waist size.  I am sure he stumbled onto some of that leftover “blue” from the Walter White collection.

Not sure why this sign has to be posted, ice cubes could hold their own with these dilapidated contraptions

I am positive this particular coin laundry doubles as the Wal-Mart for drug dealers.  Hell, even reached out to my Colorado connections for some of that legal weed to sell.  Oh, wait it’s not legal in Indiana, better check with my contacts in the Cornbread Mafia on how to get the Denver Devil’s Lettuce here in Indiana.  The whole point of this is, Mr. Junkie get some damn help and quit throwing your clothes in my dryer!

Disclaimer:  Skipah’s Realm doesn’t advocate dealing drugs and only tells this story from a humorous point of view.  If you can’t shake your drug addiction, feel free to contact me I will be more than happy to find you some help or help pay your bus fare to relocate to Colorado or Washington. 

Since I was already having a bad day dealing with the passing of a dear friend, I really had zero to little patience to appreciate the absolute insanity that is the Coin Laundry of Madison, Indiana.  I’m guessing the house next door must double as a local undercover police station.  This would literally redefine the term “shooting fish in a barrel” for local law enforcement on catching people participating in nefarious acts that run afoul of the law.

About it for now, obviously since I’m posting in the year of 2017 I survived…barely.  What’s that sound I hear in the background?  Well crap, now my dishwasher sounds like it’s fighting off a nasty bout of indigestion.  When it rains, it pours, I think I’ll just pour me a drink!

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  1. I went to Las Vegas after Christmas. Our hotel had a coin laundry. It costed me about 4 dollars. But I didn’t have a lot to wash and dry.

  2. To cute and since I need to go to the Laundry Mat to do the bed clothes as they will not fit in my washer would you like to go for me? As I had enough of those places as kids and if that wasn’t enough I even managed one for a year. The most horrible boring job I had ever had in my entire life.

  3. Pingback: Food for Thought #12 | The Sparrow's Home

  4. I think I enjoyed your visit to the laundromat a lot more than you did, Gary. I used to have to use them a lot when I was young and single, but nowadays, having my own washing machine, I don’t have to worry about coins or anything and can just send all my income directly to the electricity company.

  5. Omg what an experience!!! I can’t believe it costed that much to wash and “dry” laundry! You were a good sport about it though!

    • That makes to of us! Hell where I live $35.00 dollars is like hitting the lottery for some of my fellow citizens I can’t imagine relying on the coin laundry to get my clothes cleaned!

  6. OMG
    Wow. That’s some inflation, right there! Loads at Ball State were 75cents, loads at laundromat were $1.25 and loads at the apartment complex were $1.50. I am very old, and suddenly VERY VERY grateful for my washer & dryer. Dang!

  7. Sounds like quite an adventure! Giggling over here! HA HA!

  8. I went and hugged my washer and dryer after reading this. Thanks for helping me appreciate those hard working appliances, and for the entertaining post!

  9. I have only used a laundromat twice- once when my washer decided it was on hiatus and the repair man was on a similar trek. That was bad enough. But, the other time, I knew what I was going to get- but there was no way I was going to subject my washer/dryer combination to a 25 pound, 32 foot long (8 foot tall) piece of fabric.
    And, that last escapade might have been able to tackle your fraternity party as well.

  10. When my head hits the pillow each night among the things I list being thankful for is no longer having to wrestle with the machinery in the laundromat. Doing wash can be frustrating enough when you’re besties with your own washer and dryer…let alone total “strangers.” And then there’s the actual strangers…it’s just…so…strange. Thank you Gary for reminding me how lucky I am!!!

  11. Happy New Year Gary! Do they not have people at the laundromat who would have washed your clothes? Most have the people who manage the laundromat who weigh your clothes and then they will wash, dry and fold your laundry for you.

  12. My better half actually excels at laundry:) I hate the laundromat. Theres always a story to take home and people fighting over dryers lol

  13. Am so glad we have a washer and dryer that attemts to work in our house! Replace the belt in the washer before she gets home. Is not too challenging of an experience “if” you kept the owners manual that came with the device! (I forgot, being a male you probably trashed them)

    Good news is you can generally find the documentation on the internet. Just arm yourself with the make and model of your equipment.

    Good luck on your much needed repairs to the washer! Miss Madison will be SO pleased that you fixed it for her!

  14. I had that experience a year or so back on a camping holiday – I used the site’s launderette (that’s what they’re called in the UK) – some people must’ve spent their whole holiday watching the washing go round! Or camped in the building. Same characters anyhow!

  15. OMG the captions had me in tears I was laughing so hard!!!

  16. A great advertisement for equitable distribution of home duties. Who amongst? Women and women of course.

  17. I had to visit the laundromat last week because my dryer popped its belt. So I can relate to being a fish out of communal waters. It was difficult.

  18. Such a hilarious post, Gary, but sorry you had to experience the laundromat! You have enough to deal with, but it is nice to see your humorous “spin” on the decrepit spin cycle. Hoping your dishwasher is OK. Hang in there, buddy!

    • You talk about a swift kick in the ass! Here I was all gung ho to get all the laundry done, and then this happened. I could have gone on for 20,000 words about this place. It sucked that bad!

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