No I don’t live in Phoenix, it just feels like it at times!
How in the world do people love living on unemployment? I’m one week into this journey and I swear I’ve lost my freaking mind 23 times and that was by Tuesday! Miss Madison was gone all week figuring out why Missouri and Kansas hate each other, and Sloane was achieving life goals by shooting a rifle off at 4-H camp. Chalk that previous sentence up to “things I never wanted to say about Sloane.” That left me back where it all started for me in the blogging world…a bachelor for the week. So how was my home alone week you are probably wondering?
Why is my alarm clock telling me to wake up? I hate you, alarm clock. Maybe next time you will politely remind me to turn you off. I’m unemployed, 5:45 a.m. is for working people!
Ok, 9:00 a.m. this is manageable. What is that I hear in the background? Aw yes, the sounds of grunting women’s tennis players. It must be Wimbledon! Nothing better to do at the moment: You know like find a job, paint the bathroom, landscape projects. Nope, I think we are going to settle in on tennis for now. Venus Williams is my rooting interest, she won, take that Ana Konjuh! I should inform you it’s now noon and I’ve felt that the day long pajamas movement should be gaining traction, count me in!
Miss Madison just called. Yes babe, I’m covered head to toe in paint. The bathroom looks marvelous. Yup, I’m showered and already put in six job applications. Ok, love you too, don’t get swooned by some young stud history teacher just because he has a job.
Whew, that was close! Day one of unemployment complete. Wimbledon and I did manage to paint the bathroom.
Who in the world is calling me at 8:00 a.m.? Dammit, I’m unemployed and I’m now at war with alarm clocks. Job lead, oh never mind, yup 17 years of experience and I’m good at it! Plus I know where all the bodies are hidden with my former company. OK we will meet next week, can’t today because Venus Williams is in the quarterfinals against this Latvian gal. Team America here!
These pretentious Brits, in my day it was called Wimbledon! Now this whole The Championships, Wimbledon marketing line is just getting old. Venus Williams into the semi finals, not bad for someone my age. She’s making millions doing what she loves, and I’m waiting to hear from the Indiana Workforce Services to get my measly unemployment money.
Miss Madison called again, nope haven’t started any of the outdoor projects (as I say in my pajamas), it’s raining at biblical proportions today. Strip and wax the floors? That wasn’t on my list of things to do! I’m rethinking this whole marriage thing now. I had a terrible accident with a mop many years ago and I’m not at a point in my life where I want to revisit it right now. Nope, I haven’t burned down the house either. Laundry? Is that the machine that makes all kind of funny noises when I get near it?
Day two is in the books. More tennis, a job interview upcoming, and did you know Aaron Judge is good at baseball? You didn’t, well turn your TV on ESPN. Good lord, I haven’t seen this kind of sports reporting masturbation in my life unless it involved Tiger Woods! I did squeeze in the MLB All-Star game just to see if everything I was led to believe is true about Aaron Judge. He went hitless, so let’s not quite crown his ass yet.
No phone calls, no alarm clock, and oops it might almost be 10:00 a.m. In case you were wondering, I have showered daily. Woah, what was that sound? American Sam Querrey hits a tennis ball hard! There hasn’t been an American/Britain beatdown like that since the Siege of Yorktown. So long, Andy Murray, I know the Queen still loves you but welcome to Sam Querrey’s world! First American male since 2009 to reach a Grand Slam semifinal. God, we suck at men’s tennis anymore!
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve got a serious man crush on Roger Federer, if he and I could procreate, we would have the best imaginable son ever. Future stud tennis player who sits around in his pajamas until after lunch. Federer wins easily and the semifinals are set for Wimbledon.
Miss Madison is calling again. Yes, I took Uncle Tim out to lunch. I’ve been busting my ass all day outside on the landscaping projects. I’m on a first name basis with Tim and Susan at Lowe’s. No, I didn’t go to dinner with Gene from Liquor World. I don’t know why he and I are Facebook friends now. We met at the post office (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it), how’s Kansas City?
A piece of my soul has been lost on this landscaping battlefield! I’m about 40% done with two weeks to go before our Madison reception. Bob Vila apologists I know I’ve got some more leveling to do! Tell Mother Nature to quit raining or making it hotter than hell!
Day Three has come and gone. Unemployed with an interview in the future, painted the bathroom, and have now become a tennis savant. Maybe ESPN will hire me as a tennis consultant!
I think Gene and I stayed out too late the night before discussing theological theory and women’s tennis. But never fear, my new Wimbledon alarm clock is telling me that Venus Williams is whipping some more ass. This year Wimbledon has turned into a modern day Revolutionary War, an American knocked of a Brit in the men’s, and now Venus Williams just got rid of the United Kingdom’s own Johanna Konta. Mrs. Konta will be just fine, if this tennis thing doesn’t work out, she will have a luxurious career as a model. To say she is easy on the eyes would be an understatement. Nobody tell Miss Madison I said that!
Thursday would prove quite fruitful in the job hunt search. When you do something for as long as I have, you make a lot of friends. When you get let go unexpectedly those friends suddenly become besties. The job hunt is going well now, this upcoming week could be magical! The honey do list so far has me painting the bathroom. Other than that, the major landscape project keeps sitting unattended and wishing it had an umbrella.
Of course, Miss Madison called to rub it in on how much fun she was having, at this point of the week I’m just like “great.” She’s visiting historic Civil War battlefields, and I’m debating if showering before 7:00 p.m. is acceptable behavior.
Bachelor cooking rules applied, fewer dishes used, fewer dishes to clean!
My man Roger Federer is old and still good, my new favorite American Sam Querrey just learned that this is “big boy” tennis and got sent home by Marin Cilic. I tried to reach out to him to offer my condolences, but I couldn’t find his LinkedIn profile online. Since Mr. Cilic hails from Croatia, thankfully he survived the Slobodan Milosevic era.
No worries though, I had my first ever podcast to participate in! My buddies at Divorce Force were eager to hear my two cents on men and divorce. Granted, I’m remarried these days, but any advice I can give a male divorcee I’m all for! My website is the go to for any blindsided man, and a blueprint for learning that it doesn’t always suck post divorce. Just takes a little time to get there! The podcast was a blast and I’ll post the links as soon as the editing of it is completed.
Even better than listening to me try to wax poetic on male divorce, a MAJOR job opportunity came up the pipe. To quote President Trump, “It could be bigly.” I also got word from Miss Madison that she was on the way home. Operation: Look Like You Haven’t Been A Bum All Week has suddenly launched!
Touched up that bathroom paint job, threw away the mountain of pizza boxes, and had to inform Gene from Liquor World that we could no longer be Facebook friends. As an added bonus, it was kiddy pick up day, so I got reunited with my only heir! Miss Madison got home armed full of knowledge of the Missouri-Kansas border war, and I figured out I don’t really care that I’m unemployed right now. My kick ass wife and bad ass daughter is just what the doctor ordered for my week of boredom!
She even brought home a little KC syle swag for me :).
About it for now, I apparently didn’t shower enough for Miss Madison as she spent one day home before heading off to Yale University for some more educational experiences. Thankfully Wimbledon is over and my Federer man crush was rewarded as he won, Venus came in a respectable second, and I’ve got a huge week ahead of me. At least I’ll have Sloane to spend it with!