The Breyer Festival-Part One: The Road Trip

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Editor’s Note:  This is from July 2015-The Skipah’s Realm research lab is conducting top secret experiments at the moment and is using this post as a baseline.

Saturday July 18th, will go down as one of the best days of my life EVER!  If I lose in court on July 27th it won’t be from a lack of trying, but I’m pretty sure today was the most fun my daughter has ever had!  Let’s recap the Breyer Festival as only Skipah can!  Just wish my cell phone wasn’t dead for most of it.  I have only one bad thing to say about the Samsung Galaxy 6, the battery is the Usain Bolt of the cell phone industry.

After a quick trip to my favorite big sister/hair stylist to cowgirl up Sloane’s hair we were off and on the road to Lexington, KY.  Sloane HAD to wear her pink boots and new pink cowboy hat even though I was begging her to wear tennis shoes for all the walking I knew we would endure.  I guess threats of feet amputation worked because she never complained once all day until we were leaving.  While traversing through Louisville I decided to just make this our own little Kentucky road trip on the way down there.

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As a parent you have to choose your battles, I lost!

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Loaded with cartons of Camels non-filtered, Four Roses Bourbon, and legally acquired Sudafed should we run into any problems while in enemy territory.  Also the doors are bolted shut locked, a Death Star like force field is around the car, and I changed the paint scheme to Kentucky Wildcat blue and hung UK (not United Kingdom Brits, University of Kentucky) flags anywhere I could.  We fit right in!

First stop was vacation destination Shelbyville, KY to replenish my diet Dr. Pepper.  Mind you it’s Saturday morning roughly around ten.  The following happens while I’m standing in line.  Woman who reeks of beer from the night before is buying a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best tall boys.  We didn’t even drink that shit in high school, we would at least opt for Stroh’s!  Followed by another guy in front of me with a frigging parrot on his shoulder.  I can’t make this stuff up!  If I had my phone with me I would gladly post a picture.  Just take my word for it, and he must have been a regular because he knew the clerk.

Another twenty minutes up the road we stopped at the glowing retirement community of Lawrenceburg, KY.  I actually wanted to time exactly how long it would take if I ever had to make any after hours extractions of my daughter.  Verdict about an hour maybe longer depending on the ease of getting through Louisville, KY when I leave home.  No I didn’t go by the ex’s house because I had no desire, I did drive by her potential new school.  It looked like a school, go figure.  Best I can tell entertainment there is finding the closest parking spot at Walmart and mowing your grass.  About this time Sloane asks me if I’m going to write about our day in the blog.  You betcha sweetie!  Well mommy, Mimi, and Popo say it’s nothing but lies.  Next time you talk to one of them please have them message me so I can clear up any discrepancies.

In my next life I’m going to be an educator, I’ve got plenty of teacher friends now so it shouldn’t be a problem.  Upon hearing this statement from my active little mini me I had to inform her.  Sloane your Popo has no idea how to use a computer and you know that (nodding), how many times have your mother and I showed Mimi how to use email and log on to Facebook (nodding again) so I’m pretty sure they aren’t reading, but if they are that’s GREAT sweetie only helps me out.  As for your mother, how many lies have I let you figure out in the past year that she was telling (a bunch) so you ask your mother Monday what I’ve ever lied about on my blog, if she mentions Hammy I will fill you in on that little story.  “You lie about Hammy!”, no not at all he’s awesome, let’s get back on point!  When it comes to you or your mother there hasn’t been one lie mentioned.  Sloane:  “I don’t know why you would lie anyway, lying is bad!”  Me:  “Go talk to your mother, like I said will be more than happy to clarify any lies she thinks are being told”, After that Zenian (new word, call Webster I want credit) moment we were at our next stop.

Versailles, KY his home to about 2,032 horse farms.  They dot the landscape as far as the eye can see, it’s actually beautiful.  Would have a zillion pictures but by now my phone is reaching life support status and I forgot to grab the portable charger.  A winning dad moment for sure!  We stopped in the DoughDaddy’s Doughnuts shop to see an old friend (the manager), who just also happens to be Mr. Wonderful’s fourth ex-wife.  Quick exchange of hellos and a drink refill and we were off to make the short drive to our final destination in Lexington, KY at the horse park.  Sloane:  “She was the fourth wife of my new stepdad?  Why did they get divorced, she’s pretty and nice.”  After biting my tongue in half, swallowing it and regurgitating it only to bite it again all I could must was “You will have to ask your stepdad.”

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Holy shit Batman!  They have Ale 8 on tap, in diet and must be the last place on earth that still does bottle exchanges!

Too be continued….The creation of a Breyer girl and meeting BritishMumUsa!

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15 Comments

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  3. Geez, Gary, you really should stop lying. Next thing you know, you’re going to say you see people walking around in public with parrots on th….oh, wait….never mind.

    Sounds like fun was had for sure, off to read your next post…….

    • It was a sight to behold, must be a daily thing for him the clerk said hi and they were chatting like it’s completely normal for a bird to be sitting on your shoulder in a public place that serves food.

  4. Omg! I can’t stop laughing about the guy with a parrot and the gal smelling like beer and buying more beer and Milwaukee’s Best at that! I had no idea they even sold that crap in tall boys must only be in Kentucky! Bwahaha!

    Now that Sloane is figuring out for herself that her Mom lies A LOT their relationship is going to change dramatically. Once my girls realized that everything their “Pseudo Dad” said was a big fat lie they couldn’t stand him or being around him.

    Lots of hugs to you and the beautiful Miss Sloane. I know this is such a difficult time and you are both always in my thoughts and prayers!

    Much love,
    Lysa xx

  5. It was an awesome day!!!!!! Could not have had more fun if we tried. Bailey had a blast with Sloane. It was awesome to meet you and your amazing, spitfire daughter, she is a HOOT!!!!! Such a trooper in those boots too, she walked up and greeted every horse in that park. It was awesome to watch, I fear Bailey and I have created a Breyer Monster….

    xoxoxoxo

  6. Pingback: The Breyer Festival Part Two: A Breyer Girl is Born and meeting BritishMumUSA |

  7. Awesome post. Hilarious, and Real!
    Glad you and your princess spent time together. 🙂

  8. Kentucky? Nice area if you could get rid of the people that lived there. Your ex is a piece of work, even lies to her kid? Wait til the kid is older and gets a peek at the things I’ve seen. She won’t think too highly of her mother then. My advice, if you can’t spot a tramp like your ex, stay single. It’s cheaper that way.

  9. A true Hoosier fan would NEVER adorn hi car with anything resembling UK gear! Scaredy-cat! Can’t wait to read part 2!

Tell Skipah all about it!