The Cool Dad

I wish I got to see Harbour Town this summer!  

Cue up the Nelly, the Midwest basically took the year off for Spring.  By my unofficial count days in the nineties have toppled days in the sixties around here and it’s not “officially” summer yet.  The annual war has begun with mosquitoes and the pollen white walker army. So stock up on your favorite Deet product and head to Costco for a deal on 50 bottles of Flonase because summer has brought her full brunt on us already.  I’ve been sneezing so much lately, you would think I have been snorting black pepper!

Luckily I have a pool now to escape the oppressive heat, oh wait.  Update on the pool since my sector of the planet is having a daily joke on social media.  The pool is still green, although not as green, more like a knock-off emerald kind of green. Think of it like a cheapskate boyfriend who bought you some emerald jewelry from some shady pawn shop only so you can get the accompanying green hue around your finger.  That’s basically were we are at with the pool. Also, if for some reason you would like to come swim at my house I might suggest a wetsuit for skin protection, at this point I’ve lost track of how many chemicals have been poured into this aquatic money pit.

I take back everything I said, look how majestic my pool is!  This is practically a Norman Rockwell painting!

The family staged their own formal protest with me and left me wither and die in this suppressing heat last week.  The gang was off to the “Ohio on the Atlantic,” or what the rest of us in the lower 48 call Hilton Head Island.  My father in law has recently decided he was done with the #HoosierLife and bought himself a place to call home on the island.  So not only was I melting last week and dodging raindrops, I was getting inundated with seafood and beach pictures!  

Nothing better than a Midwest “pop-up” storm to wreck your patio umbrella!

Miss Madison is supposedly coming out of retirement to do some kind of photo blog post, but she is enjoying her summer on Mount Laundry so much I don’t know when or if that will ever hit the airwaves.  It sucked I couldn’t go because of work obligations, but to say they all had a grand ole time would be an understatement. I’m pretty sure it was a welcome Father’s Day surprise for Miss Madison’s dad, and the gang all made sure to get back here in time for this dad to enjoy his Father’s Day as well.

Talk about torturing a fellow!

This dad wasn’t complaining about the fresh East Coast crab cakes the gang brought home for me!

Before I was a parent, Father’s Day was nothing more than a good reason to watch the last round of the U.S. Open and dread another Monday that was right around the corner.  In my life, I’ve spent $0.00 USD for anything on my father nor have I spent any quality time with him since I haven’t seen him since I was eight years old and he’s been dead now for over a decade.  Not bitter at all, the man could have died twenty five years ago and I would have arranged for a shark feeding to get rid of the corpse.

Growing up fatherless though has its perks when you become a father yourself….NAMELY don’t be a deadbeat douchebag with your kid(s) even if you and the baby momma aren’t together anymore.  Your baby momma and you are going to agree to disagree on everything from days of the week that end in Y and what’s best for your children. If you have a penis, you are more than likely going to be on the losing end of any custody battle, if you don’t believe me, read Skipah’s Realm from 2014-2015 and do the exact opposite if you think you have an inkling of a chance to get majority custody of your child(ren).

My only biological heir has been having a blast so far in the early going of her summer break!  Too bad she stands to not inherit untold riches from her dad…..well at least not yet!  Powerball drawing is about to go down!

Again it sucks, but you just have to keep on keeping on, Tuesday night softball game an hour away after you worked all day.  Do you think your kid fully grasps that? Ummm no, gas up the vehicle or feed the horse an extra bale of hay and air up the buggy tires because it’s time to go be dad.  I’ve been doing this for almost three years, yeah sometimes getting a root canal sans novocaine sounds like a better option, but it pays off. Actually pays off is the wrong phrase to use, it is what you are supposed to do.  It’s called “Daddying Up!”

When your kid(s) get older they tell all their friends how cool their dad is.  Being a cool dad is a great moniker to have. We all had that friend whose dad was a dick, don’t be that dad.  Dick dads also deserve a special place on the dad food chain. Namely right under “Stupid Ex-Wives for 1600 Alex”,  worth mentioning the temporary truce with my ex-wife has expired.  Short of common sense (laughter from the gallery) or me going back to court, good chance that “possibility” of Sloane going to school in my neck of the woods isn’t happening. Nevermind statistics, what the child wants, and what former school teachers have told me about her relocating.  Life as a divorced dad dealing with a megalomaniac never gets old.

Apparently, my daughter has her own line of apparel that I wasn’t aware of.  

Ok, rant over, since being a parent Father’s Day has had a whole new meaning for me.  Since I split with my baby momma it has taken on a whole new context. Four years ago today I should have been dead, I did all I could to be dead, I didn’t die.  Those were some dark days in the land of Skipah. On a side note if any of you that are reading this (I’m estimating 12 at the moment) and you are on a prescription of Klonopin, immediately throw it in the trash, email me and let’s look at different options to get you through your rough patch.  I’m not kidding at all, been there done that and four years later I will shove my size 10.5 up your ass if you don’t listen!

Fast forward to present day and my daughter is thriving, I have two wonderful stepchildren who I’m pretty sure like to hang out with me more than their actual sperm donor.  Not only am I the “cool” dad as my daughter likes to say, but my steps echo her sentiments. Instead of watching the U.S. Open this year for Father’s Day (except for the last few holes #tradition) I was out working on this sewer dump better known as “the pool” and running all over town with my wife and daughter looking for some finishing touches on our new home in the art department……budget options, of course, we are still paying for two houses, anybody wanting to live in Madison, Indiana, again I say (beg) you to let me know!

Not quite the final touches, but we were satisfied once we got it hung.

Anybody that has been reading my sporadic dose of boredom all this time has seen me at my lowest, highest, in the middle, lower, higher, what the hell is going on with Skiaph…etc…  The one thing though is I always kept my daughter above the fray no matter what is going on with me and since I married Miss Madison my steps also, it’s called being a dad! Getting handwritten cards from my daughter and steps mean more to me than anything Hallmark could offer.  Throw in some fresh crab cakes and my family will always know where my heart is when it doesn’t involve them!

About it for now, I’m about to swallow my pride and get a representative of Leslie’s Pool Supplies to come over and bring one of those vacuums that could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.  Hmmm…..possible product review in the future?  Actually I hope not, I want my family to think I’m a superhero again when I get this pool cleared up!  Father’s Day has come and gone in these parts and needless to say I’m one happy dad!

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  1. If I could only get my daughter to agree with you!

  2. Can’t be cool if your pool makes you a fool. Just sayin’…..

  3. I am loving the happiness! Also those crabcakes looked amazing!

  4. You are a cool and FUN dad!

  5. Hope you had a great Father’s Day 😊

  6. I love Hilton Head! Next time take a day trip over to Tybee Island. If I recall, it’s only about an hour away.

    • There is a tentative trip planned this fall, hopefully I will get to go this time :). But yes I’ve scoped out the area the best I could from Indiana and Tybee is definitely on the radar!

  7. These are always the most fun posts! Definitely a Devoted Daddy. Love it.

  8. Sounds just like the cool day. Happy belated fathers day.

  9. I enjoy pools, but your story confirms me not wanting one of my own. Happy late father’s day!

  10. Jeanette S. Hall

    Sounds like you REALLY are the “COOL” dad! When even your step-kids claim that, you know you have earned it!

    From what I’ve heard about keeping a pool clean, you are on the right track with getting your pool vacuumed out by a professional! Keep your fingers crossed, dot your ‘T’s, and cross your eyes!

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