You say “Skipah’s playing with the smoke bombs again.” I am quick to remind you this is one the cheapest and more entertaining ways to ward of vigilante gangs of mosquitoes!
Disclaimer: It is July 6th at approximately 10:30 p.m., but by the time this posts it might be February 2019.
Skipah’s PSA for the day: Quit lighting off fireworks three days to a week after Independence Day! Unless you are some descendant of Ethan Allen and just want to keep pissing off the British as some unruly colonists! Look my passion for all things pyrotechnic is well known. Whoever is in my neighborhood doing their own gunpowder challenge needs to chill out! You should have called me up on July 4th, I would have been over there with bells on ready to light off anything. Nuclear bombs, shooting up propane tanks, hell if you have access to an M-1 Abrams tank we could have had a most memorable night! If all you had in your arsenal was some of the finest in Chinese fireworks so be it, that was Wednesday though! My dog is looking at years of therapy because of your shenanigans! Hell, for a moment I wasn’t sure if the Little Rocket Man had broken his truce with the United States and launched ordinances in my little peaceful community!
I feel like my childhood was for nothing, were in the hell were these when I was growing up? These are teaching tools for any child!
Since Miss Madison is having her own little “girls night out” and my precious daughter is off to her “other” parent for the next couple of weeks, Mr. Skipah has spent the past three hours wishing death on Spectrum (seriously after this many years can you all not figure out how establish a decent internet feed), and trying to figure out what to write to keep the billions of followers coming back for more in my little digital landscaping project. Unfortunately, a small dose of writer’s block has been dogging me lately more than any ninja pollen attacks on my allergies. No daughter, no stepkids, no wife…you would think Skipah has no life. You would be right, but, I think I have a solid playbook to cure writer’s block the only way I can see fit. This is Skipah’s four points of inspiration to guide you through any version of writer’s block you may be suffering from.
While she was with us we had an epic Yahtzee showdown, believe it or not Miss Madison and I got our butt’s whipped. Now to channel her inner dice rolling abilities and teach her things like how odds work and the best bets on a craps table!
First off you head to your Facebook feed. I have friends from all facets of life. Gun nuts, tree huggers, morons, idiots, intellectuals, mundane married folks that like to hang out with other spouses (only not their own), hell I’ve even got some millennial friends! I mean I run with an unruly gang of vigilantes on Facebook. If I’m not doling out sound advice to them with things like, “Quit sticking your dick in people not named your wife” or “Hey, dumbasses, those things you shared from cutting edge websites like TrumpIsAwesome.com or BernieSandersRules.org are more than likely a little bit of #fakenews.” I already know you are dumber than a bag of hammers, however, don’t let the rest of the world know it! If you can’t find something to write about after a couple of hours on your Facebook feed….well, you have to be one boring person, or you need to make new friends!
If Facebook isn’t your thing, I recommend a solid dose of Twitter. You don’t even have to be a member to read some of the dumbest stuff ever posted in social media history. Unlike Facebook and their ever changing algorithms, Twitter is the wild west of social media. Get pissed off one night and remembered that your ex-wife is a bitch….tweet that stuff out and be sure to tag her employer! All of your followers (and that employer) will see it immediately, and if you are lucky it will be brought up in court one day when you are in a custody battle with said ex-wife. I have only heard this from a friend of course, but seriously if you can’t find something that makes you want to write to the masses via Twitter you might be the duller than a rusty pocket knife. If you need a Twitter follower to make fun of, I recommend following this link.
If you view social media like I view reality T.V. shows (FYI, that would be not favorable), then I recommend perusing your local paper and the editorial page. Freaking Thomas Jefferson can’t wax poetic like local citizens on hot button topics of “How freaking stupid is this new roundabout” or “I knew he was a pervert all along!” For every good point made on the editorial page, you get a space cadet rambling about the time they saw a UFO and the aliens talked to him. Maybe they talked to an alien or maybe they didn’t, personally I’m just guessing it was a drunk Kentuckian. Since I live in the Louisville, Kentucky metro region I get a daily dose of editorial humor from the Curious Journal as it’s known around here. For you journalism patriots, yes I’m talking about the Courier-Journal. Unfortunately, or fortunately, if you need something to laugh about, editorial pages here are solid gold and can get your creative juices flowing pretty quickly! So next time you are looking at your laptop with no inspiration, remember to always check your hometown paper and you can thank me later!
If your local newspaper doesn’t help you out on your quest to solve writer’s block, I suggest looking into the mysterious Illuminati and their teachings. They are bat shit crazy it sounds like, but I get a daily request to join the cause on Instagram, so obviously they have an eye for talent. I mean seriously, I’m pretty sure I don’t fit the Illuminati mold for membership, and I’m pretty thankful of my upbringing for that. If you are staring at a blank screen in horror any night, pecking away at your keyboard like a starving chicken that just broke into a local farmer co-op, give the Illuminati a look for inspiration. You may think your life is going crazy…a few internet dives into these whack-a-moles and you will figure out really quick that everything is going to be all right, and as an added bonus you might even get triggered to write something!
On second thought! I haven’t been told about my strong “manual dexterity” skills since…um I don’t know I was 16 years old! Power, fame, and glory, where do I sign up!
About it for know, I have about 20 other theories to cure writer’s block but only 18 of them are “publishable,” and lookie here, it’s Tuesday night and I’m finally done writing this post! The neighborhood firework bandit IS STILL LIGHTING OFF STUFF! I’m going to have to find my dog a padded cell after this week of trauma! She’s suffering from her own version of canine PTSD, I mean seriously, dude or dudette, it’s well past our country’s grand birthday! The founding fathers would not approve of this!