The Middle Aged Man and the Sea

The ducks are currently enjoying our pool, the family…umm not so much!

Since my current business model for this blog consists of something akin to Sears, crossed with Gary really just use the laptop as a paperweight, I thought I better clear some things up.  Since Miss Madison and I are currently acting rich (we are not) and swinging two house payments, other avenues of revenue are currently welcomed.  So if you see Skipah publishing posts about the best ATV tires on the market, pretty good chance my pocket is getting lined.  I know more about molecular biology (and believe me other than the proper spelling, that’s about it) than I know about rubber shoes for your ATV!  

For reasons I will never fathom, quite a few folks want to jump on Team Skipah, so you may see a few more of these “paid” posts.  The annual office party should be a humdinger this year if things go according to plan.  So apologies in advance, but Mr. Skipah is whoring himself out for a bit.  Money is a good thing, and the more the merrier! So now that we’ve got that bit of housekeeping out of the way, let’s get to more important things!

What’s 13,000 gallons of water, four and a half feet deep, and has a mesmerizing green hue that people say reminds them of my own green eyes?  If you think I’m talking about my pool, well then you would be exactly right!  I’m waving the white flag with the aquatic gods. Shock, clarifier, chlorine, flocculent, it’s a proverbial wash rinse repeat these days.  

No cutting in line kids, you must wait your turn to perform a cannonball!

It’s literally been my own version of The Old Man and the Sea!  Only I’m not trying to drag a freaking marlin back home after not catching a fish for half a lifetime.  Instead, I’ve got a wife and three kids having me questioning my manhood. Here is a brief timeline for anyone that is interested.

The Turtle Man was about to turn seven, and our new house came with this vast hole of darkness known as the pool.  So two weeks prior we thought to ring in seven years of terror with a pool party.  Invitations were sent out, hell kids in Germany were refusing to eat their sauerkraut (and who could blame them) if they didn’t get to come to this event for the ages.  So once we took the cover off the pool, I wasn’t sure if we bought a huge coal deposit or our pool water had been infused with black licorice!.  Hey no problem, they make all kinds of stuff to clear this up. Thus begins the journey.

Step one, bring your own proverbial “Shock and Awe” to your water fortress.  It kills everything, algae, water spiders, fish, tadpoles, small animals, and your soul 24 hours later when your black hole has turned into the emerald lagoon.  No problem, buy some gold plated filter cleaner and it will be good as new in a couple of days. Yeah, a new hue of green! By now I’m on a first name basis with my local pool guy, worth mentioning.

Ok, maybe the filter needed a good cleansing.  Or maybe that is my sould being spread one particle at a time.  Either way my POOL IS STILL GREEN!

Needless to say two weeks later, the Turtle Man’s birthday party had to be moved because the pool was still needing a ton more of TLC and not the “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” kind!  Unbeknownst to me at the time is I have a freaking water forest of leaves on the bottom of the pool!  Do you know leaves make your pool green? Something about Chlorophyll, but what do I know, the only thing I’m scientific in is baseball stats!  Namely, the Cincinnati Reds suck……………AGAIN!

By now we are nearing the end of May and this pool has been shocked so many times, that the Teamsters are recruiting and thinking of forming their own Pool Water Union.  I’m getting sent threatening emails and planned boycotts because of the torture I’ve put their future 13,000 members through to date.  This pool has been shocked so much by now that I need a waterproof defibrillator to get a pulse out of it.

If my pool had to take a drug test, this would be known as a false positive.  It was blue for about three seconds!

Then my friends at Leslie’s Pool Supply introduced me to flocculant.  Not to go all Snoop Dogg, but this stuff will literally make any crap in your pool “Drop it like its hot!”  This stuff takes every microscopic particle and turns it into hunks of lead!  A day later I learned that my water could indeed be blue, and the “Mighty Oak” that towers near our pool had dabbled in hydroponic gardening and was doing its best to reproduce in water.  If that wasn’t the reason, then apparently area squirrels were doing their damnedest to hide acorns at the bottom of our pool.  They even used some guerilla tactics to hide these future oak trees by covering them in leaves!

What sanity I have left is quickly evaporating, but that is one sexy picture of my left shoe!

Enter the pool vacuum.  If you own a pool you know what a pain in the ass a pool vacuum is!  Suck up dirt, stir up twice as much! This game of cat and mouse went on for another week, enough to the point I gave Mr. Filter a break and just drained it straight out of the pool.  One small problem with this game plan, four and half feet of water soon became four! Then mother nature went all righteous on me and decided a couple days of high winds and rain coming in sideways would throw off the chemical balance.  Enter green water again!

At least my daughter still loves me (I think), chemically this water is perfect.  I’ve got bonafide lab results to prove it!  Did you see that pile of acorns I sucked out of it!  That would turn the Pacific Ocean green!

We are now into June, the water still looks like a lake that got bullied by a pack of rabid algae goons, kids are still unhappy, and my wife is really second guessing who she chose to spend the rest of her life with.  Locally my pool prowess is now a Facebook running joke. People that I haven’t seen since high school (that’s 24 years ago) are taking jabs at me! Depending on what part of town I happen to be in, I keep a brown paper bag with eye holes cut out so I can hide my identity.  Needless to say these days I’m not known as Skipah, more like the “green” guy, and some of my closer pals just call me dumbass!

Mother Nature is taking it easy on us this week so who knows maybe this soon to be rock garden will actually look like something closer to a pool.  I have my doubts, but hey they treat me like a rock star now at Leslie’s, so I’ve got that going for me. In other news, it’s been quite peaceful for me, with a whole family mad at me all of them are giving me the silent treatment.  Hell, even the dog won’t give me the time of day!

About it for now, I’m strapping on one of those Walter White meth making outfits and trying out this new product I just bought. Fifty pounds of Sulfuric acid should get this thing cleared right?  Granted the rotten egg smell might suck, but I don’t know what else to do.  Blue water comes at a cost!


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  2. I’m so glad I don’t have a pool anymore. Such a pain to get into and keep in shape each year. I admire your dogged determination, sir.

  3. We have a community pool but it is so hot that the water doesnt even cool you off!

  4. I would love a pool right now. It’s sooo hot!!

  5. Well, a guy’s got to make a living, right? And yes …too damn hot here, too.

  6. Wow…. I enjoyed reading this & well done with the steps on making your green water pool back to normal…. For what its worth, your daughters is having a good time in it.

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  9. He’s back! In his own unique way. So glad!

  10. Ugh. Pools are so much work. But so fun when all is right. Glad you got it all squared away for summer.

    Ducks… they crap everywhere. 😒

  11. It is still green? How is that even possible if you’ve cleaned all the crap off the bottom and have shocked it into oblivion and back. I better tell Lucy to stop putting green dye in the pool.

  12. Jeanette S. Hall

    Use Miss Madison as a tester. If she doesn’t like the pool, stay out of it! Keep the kids out, too. You don’t want to be responsible for the creation of a modern day creature from the Blue Lagoon, do you?

    It is too damn hot up here! We should be in the mid 70’s for this time of year. We have hit triple digits several times before starting the month of June. Am scared about what mother nature has up her sleeves for July and August!

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