The Midwest Manifesto

It’s times like these I start humming the classics of Tiny Tim.  Anybody born in this century is probably going to be clueless on that one!

I’m pretty sure Mother Nature is a divorced, man-hating, bitter whore.  No, I’m positive she is. The first day of Spring in southern Indiana….eight to twelve inches of snow (Insert eight-inch joke for Mother Nature….here, god knows she needs it), two days later sunny and in the sixties.  Snow was replaced with the hope of a normal spring. Fast forward a couple of weeks and it’s in the eighties and us Midwesterners are singing Kumbaya around the grill in anticipation of opening up the pool for the year.

But wait…..as I said Mother Nature is a fickle bitch, and since misery loves company, she decides to drop the temperature back near the freezing point and tease us with snow or at best a very cold rain!  Us morons with mold allergies are just loving life right now!  I think in the last two weeks I’ve had a watery right eye for the majority of it.  It’s life in the Midwest. Your ENT is your therapist, and the local pharmacy is your drug dealer for your Flonase.

Would I live anywhere else……nope, well unless someone wants to fund me to a coastal local with all you can eat seafood, then I’ll definitely change my mind.  What’s great about the Midwest, you are wondering (except for members from the Illinois delegation, we kicked them out a long time ago), our love of stupid weather, allergies, and dreaming of seeing the ocean forms a special bond with us.

This is what is known as a “bad” day.  

In the Midwest, you are frowned upon if you don’t hold a door open for a lady, child, or the elderly.  Men literally run to a door if we see one of the above about to enter a store before us. It’s not chauvinistic, it’s how we were raised.  Feminazi, get over yourself already, yes I’m sure you are more than capable of opening a door for yourself, I am not judging you, I’m just trying to be polite.  Take that attitude to New York or wherever else it’s accepted, it’s not welcome here!

In the Midwest anytime you decide to brave the elements and actually get on your roof to clean your gutters or send cryptographic messages to aliens there is a good chance you are at the highest point in your state.  For the most part our topographical make up is somewhere between a pancake and a crappy result from an ECG.  Scenery for us consists of maple trees and orange barrels on the interstate during the summer.  

Bud and Sissy have nothing on these two modern day Urban Cowboys!  If you don’t get that joke then you were probably born after 1995!

We decide presidential elections in the Midwest, good or bad, if you don’t like the sitting president you can more than likely blame the Midwest.  Again we don’t care, we are the common sense region of America. Republicans win the south, Democrats win the west and east coasts. In the middle though is us.  You want to be president, you better damn sure you kiss ever Hoosier, Buckeye, and Missourian’s ass. Again worth mentioning we don’t consider Illinois in our gang, when they can successfully elect a governor that stays out of jail, we might reconsider letting them rejoin our group.

Life in the Midwest is false spring weather, allergies, and common sense.  The Snowflake Generation is sure to start a prolonged conversation with any of us.  We think they are morons. Older folks dealt with hippies, we get to deal with butthurt people who think you always get your way.  It doesn’t work that way people, life sucks deal with it. We do deal with it in the Midwest, we wake up and put our pants the same way everyone else does.  We go to work (when we aren’t unemployed), we come home to our families and go about life.  We aren’t trying to change the world on tweet at a time.

Nothing to see here.  This is what we call a Wednesday afternoon in Indiana.

We turn on the news and oh wow the president banged a porn star a decade ago, this is news?  I remember another president lying under oath about banging an intern. In the Midwest, we don’t care who you are banging, unless it’s our spouse/significant other.  That could be an issue unless you are into that sort of thing. Again we don’t judge in the Midwest, we just mind our own business and make sure the corn and soybean crops are coming along as planned.  

I’m close enough to Louisville, Kentucky to get caught up in Derby fever!

You know what else is great about the Midwest?  LOWER TAXES except for Illinois (again I hate to keep kicking Illinois in the teeth, but sometimes low hanging fruit is the easiest to pick), my buddies in California pretty much have to pay for the air they breath.  Not here, lower taxes are just a way of life in the Midwest.  My state, even though it has no oil reserves, seaports, gold, a fountain of youth, or anything resembling exciting is one of the top places in the country to do business.  

Lower taxes means big evil companies want to set up shop here.  Setting up shop means more jobs. More jobs mean lower unemployment.  Lower unemployment means more labor. More labor means more money is being spent in the state.  Again in the Midwest, we tend to stick with common sense to power through the day!

I have no defense for the occasional moron driver in the Midwest!

About it for now, if you would like a Midwest entrance application feel free to email me.  The governors of all Midwest states have enlisted me to screen potential applicants and approve who I see fit.  I’ll even throw out my Hoosier bias to all folks south of me in that state that thinks the grass is blue! C’mon now I can’t get through a blog post without at least one Kentucky joke!

 

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4 Comments

  1. The Midwest sure is somethin. I like Illinois. I’d live in Illinois. I’ll take that cottage near the sea, too, but only if it’s mostly cold there.

  2. Jeanette S. Hall

    The last quote you made in the post “I have no defense for the occasional moron driver in the Midwest!” should have read “must have been another lost idiot from Illinois!” the seem to pop up everywhere these days!

    May I suggest your little girl starts using them as live target practice? She has extremely good aim these days. (Tell the divorce layers it was your -ex’s brilliant idea) Maybe that will sweeten the path to your little girl living with you and your new wife FULL time, no time in the plan for visiting your -ex 😉

  3. I was almost disappointed by this post. No Kentucky jokes? But there it was in the last paragraph.

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