Our little Jacob isn’t so little anymore!
Not to go all Survivor on here, but, “THE SEARCH IS OVER!” Millennials, you may want to ask your parents about that reference. Or you can click here, buy the album and I will make enough pesos to buy a package of ramen noodles for lunch tomorrow. What is it I am talking about? Skipah the unemployed blogger, gets to lose the “un” and is back to full time employment. I don’t know who is happier: Me, Miss Madison, or Uncle Sam. I’m guessing Uncle Sam and the state of Indiana since my fellow Hoosiers (unemployment benefits) have kept me afloat for the past four months. Nevermind I paid into the system 18 years well more than I got out of it!
Water under the bridge these days. Now I have to go find my alarm clock that I exiled back in July, I hope the saying “time heals all wounds” really does apply. I would hate for Mr. Alarm Clock to “forget” to do his job now that I’m gainfully employed again. I know Miss Madison is thrilled. Between imitating Oscar the Grouch or making good use of my time off by checking the firmness of each and every pillow in the house (multiple times a day on occasion), she has given me enough eye rolls that she is probably a candidate for optic nerve replacement surgery.
I was hoping to get to drive this around all day in my new job role, but I didn’t meet the Planter criteria since I’m a Reese’s peanut butter guy.
I know the pets are going to miss me. I won’t be around to take my trusty steed Karma for walks anymore. Our pet dust bunnies are really going to miss our weekly games of whack-a-mole with the broom. The pet remote control is going to take the breakup the hardest I think. I tried to explain to it that we are still in a monogamous relationship, I just won’t be around as much anymore. Not sure if it’s buying this line of defense, but daddy needs a new pair of shoes and playing with my pets isn’t bringing home the bacon!
What is the Skipah going to be doing you’re asking? Since I’m about 120 credit hours short with my civil engineering degree, you don’t have to worry about any building collapses in the near future courtesy of me. I don’t have any experience in law enforcement, so, fellow Hoosiers, you don’t have to worry about me pulling you over the next time I see you act mind blown at a four way stop sign…and that leads me to a quick tangent!
Idiots, a four way stop is one of the simplest concepts in all of humanity. Seriously, if you have vision, (and if you are blind….I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to be driving) that big red octagon that says S.T.O.P. doesn’t mean to suddenly turn into the biggest damn moron in the world. Four way stop signs are just like standing in line at the gas station. Who ever gets in line first proceeds to go first. Anymore, everytime I’m at a four way stop sign, a prison riot is more organized! Skipah’s PSA for the day, if you are sitting at a four way stop sign for longer than ten seconds you need to proceed home and reread your driving manual! Furthermore, if you are at a four way stop sign and one of the other three patrons is acting clueless you have my permission to let them know they are number one.
Coming soon, Skipah’s 12 month guide to get your children to quit turning into YouTube zombies. Here is a little preview: In December make sure your child(s) Elf on the Shelf is in places you don’t want your children to be when you want something done!
Rant over. Skipah is now giving up his day job as a bum for a startup company that just began a little over two months ago. I even got a fancy title of Internal Learning Coordinator. This little fledgling company along with a few select others are about to help Amazon continue their quest for world domination. GossHall Systems, LLC is a subcontracting logistics company for Amazon, and I must have wowed them with my corny dad jokes or they were desperate. Either way, I’m happier than a wayward pig at the local wastewater treatment facility.
In case you didn’t know, Amazon recently started phasing FedEx and UPS out of the day to day operations to make sure little Susie and Johnny get their package delivered on their front door step in a timely fashion. I’m now in the process of becoming a trained logistics Marine to wish unholiness on those two shipping titans. I’m so drunk on the Amazon Kool-Aid I even agreed to swear off Diet Dr. Pepper….actually not really, there are two things in life I will never turn my back on……my family and Diet Dr. Pepper. It may eventually rot my organs out, but DDP and I are in this for the long haul! Diet Dr. Pepper has stuck with me through thick and thin to the tune of .85 cents every time at my local Circle K, no reason to end this relationship now!
So what am I going to be doing? Since it is December and Santa Claus doesn’t get things moved nearly as quick as he used to, I’m going to be showing up at area residents front door with a smile and a kind word or two letting them know that Amazon has fulfilled their part of the deal on getting your package(s) to you. Once I learn that phase of the operation, I get to teach other folks how to use my award winning smile to do the same thing. When I’m not doing that, I’ll be in high level meetings with Amazon officials on how to improve their logistics…..maybe not, Amazon reminded me I’m a nobody and they are a somebody. Either way, it is freaking great to be back in the workforce again!
About it for now, with my new position and beholden to the largest online retailer in the world during the month of December, my writing time is going to be “limited” at best. Life is still going great for me though, a new house on the horizon, my daughter becoming a modern day Robin Hood, and this guy recently lived out a fantasy he never thought would happen in a million years. Calm down sex nuts, long time readers will know what I am talking about…….I GOT TO SEE KATY PERRY IN CONCERT! The same guy that tried unsuccessfully to get a date with her back when she performed at the Super Bowl a couple of years ago, actually got to witness her performing. I’m pretty sure she made eye contact with me, Miss Madison disagrees since we were 26 miles from the stage. Trust me Katy Perry and I connected spiritually if anything else, great show, great time, and I can’t wait to tell everyone all about it! Now if we can just all nod in agreement that Ms. Perry needs to grow her damn hair back out!
Proof! I can’t wait to tell the world all about it! At the end of the day, I literally did live out a teenage dream (minus the cleanup), Me, Miss Madison, my daughter, and my favorite stepdaughter had a freaking blast!