The Skipah Softball Date Contest

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 Editor’s note:  Time Warner failed me again this was originally supposed to post on Tuesday, April 14th, 2015.  Again I will say TIME WARNER CABLE SUCKS!

It’s a sad day in Skipah land tonight.  The end of an era is passing before my eyes, it’s the series finale of  Justified.  I’ve been a loyal follower since day one often wondering how a U.S. Deputy Marshal can make the drive from Lexington, KY to Harlan County, KY in a mere 20 minutes when geography would tell you it’s a two hour drive and in that part of the state you have to take into consideration of getting saddled behind a horse and buggy or a 1986 Chevy Silverado tricked out like it just came in last place at a monster truck show.  Strange folks in the “hollers”, but the Lexington district of the United States Marshal’s service always seemed to put me at ease on Tuesday nights. (Or usually Wednesday’s aren’t DVR’s great)

Raylan the rogue marshal, Boyd the silver-tongued criminal, and the rest of the gang are going to be out of my life forever after tonight.  No more solid Wynn Duffy quotes, no more deadpanned humor from Tim and Art (the two most underrated characters in TV history), and after tonight they are all gone.  The most refreshing nonpremium cable (HBO) series in my lifetime is over.  Breaking Bad runs a very close second and its final season was television gold, and I’m not into zombies so pipe down in the back Walking Dead watcher.  If anything Justified taught me is that the fine folks of Harlan County and the surrounding area are as ass backward as I had always heard.  They just did it with a little more humor.

Hammy doesn’t really care about Justified he is ready for me to catch back up on The Americans, I put him in the hot box today and told him to cut out the voodoo shit since the Reds have lost three in a row now.  He bitched and moaned that it’s not his fault they keep losing, “I didn’t sign those crappy relievers, and they would get cut from a Siberian wood chopping team” I believe is how he put it.  Too bad rodent, you weigh six ounces and I weigh 185 pounds, we need to change up their luck.  If they win you are staying parked in there until they lose.  I hate the Cubs to and I will be rooting doubly hard in your place tonight but if they win consider that you’re new home.   Like the immortal Crash Davis said, “Never f!ck with a streak.”  Mr. Hammy we’ve grown to tolerate each other, but whatever it takes for the Reds to win I’m not against.  Email PETA next time you hack my internet I’m sure they will help you out!

You know what else is great between announcing to the world I had a date this weekend, and documenting the ex-losing her shit from seeing me with a platonic friend and freaking the hell out because a softball game ended at nine p.m. yesterday. My inbox has gone coo coo for cocoa puffs.  My male entourage in the social media world are giving me virtual high fives and my female posse is appalled at the massive parenting fail in the “mommy division.”  I’ve even had local friends volunteer to be my guest at Sloane’s softball games.  Ex-wife’s of (people we shall not mention, redacted, =======, ?!?!?!) even want to attend now.  Now if I can just befriend a marketing genius we could turn this into a serious promotion.

I’m officially launching the Skipah Softball Date Contest, it will be a silent auction and all proceeds will benefit Lupus ,CRPS (google that stuff), The Father’s Right Movement, and Asshole Awareness.  Yes, their needs to be a monitor/system in place to let you know that you are near an asshole.  If my ex-had one she would have known to avoid me at the ballpark last night because the monitor would have gone into overdrive.  Because you know I’m an asshole according to her, she told me that THREE times.  The Skipah Softball Date Contest will do nothing more than show the insaneness that is my ex and her violent mood swings that she may or may not be controlling with prescription medicine.  I know she did in the past, my medical history is just fine.  I get high on life these days (never got high on prescription meds but go through a divorce and get back to me), rocking it with my daughter, and looking forward to tomorrow night with the blonde bomber.

Since the weather was something a duck would love I had the opportunity to go eat lunch today with Sloane.  I’ve reached hall of fame status with the second grade.  If I could I would eat lunch with her every day, it’s a frigging blast eating with the second graders.  They even lifted my wallet today while I was taking a work call.  Every damn one of them I’ve gotten to know so well, and it gives me a big puffy heart when they want to antagonize me.  Sloane is the biggest cheerleader of the shenanigans, but I’ve become Bozo the Clown to many of them.  Divorce sucks, but divorce has made me a happier man and turned me into a big old mush ball around Sloane’s classmates.  Lunch at school is always a big party and today was no different!

In other news, I just learned tonight that I have date number TWO this weekend.  Even the egg donor would tell you I was a romantic back in the day, and doing it all over again is fun.  I’m totally open for suggestions though on what to do!  Dinner and a movie?  Katy Perry sing-a-long contests?  Take her to a bitching softball game Monday to watch the egg donor self-destruct again?  I’ll figure something out, but guess what Hammy isn’t getting out of the hot box anytime soon it’s 3-0 Reds in the sixth and it’s time to watch some Justified!

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6 Comments

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  3. Agree with the dinner and movie thing. If she’s somewhat of an adventurer, maybe bowling or indoor rock climbing can happen for the 3rd date. Or kayaking if that’s around you…..I always want to do that more. Oh, and if you have any craft breweries or wineries around, that’s great for dates too.

    I think you should start having your date attend every game of Sloane’s and just make it a regular thing!

  4. Dinner and a movie is a safe bet! I haven’t seen any of the movies currently playing in theatres yet. But if staying in and watching a movie is an option, I recommend The Imitation Game or The Theory of Everything. Great movies.

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