The Turkey Revolution!

turkey

“Tom Turkey is calling!  Regulatorsssssss…Mount up!”

There is a revolution about to go down.  Details at the moment are sketchy at best, but something yuge is about to happen I’m hearing from my animal sources.  According to Twitter, it might even be bigly!  No, I’m not talking about the upcoming Royal Rumble between Clinton and Trump supporters.  I’m talking about the Turkey Revolution!  This would be the winged turkeys, not some sort of coup in Istanbul, or is it Constantinople , I get confused sometimes.

goats

Goat #1:  “Did you hear about the Turkey Revolution, evidently the turkey’s are ticked off!”

Goat #2:  “Does it really matter, we live on a freaking roof there hasn’t been a turkey this high since Woodstock.”

I know you are already assuming, “Oh great, they must have upped Skipah’s meds again.  Here he goes with some wild ass conspiracy theory.  Granted my caffeine intake has been a little higher than normal lately, but that’s about the only chemical abnormality going on with me right now.  No, I’ve got solid intel from Tom Turkey that he and his gang of gobblers are fed up to the hilt about not getting their due in November and are ready to take the month back by storm.  Kris Kringle, go kick rocks, your hostile takeover of November is coming to an end according to my well-placed informants in the forest.

seagull

Run for your life!  The turkeys are coming!

A quick timeline for everyone before the retail mafia began feasting on all the zombies that eat Christmas cheer up like a pound a bacon for breakfast.  Back in my day, October belonged to all things Halloween.  Jack-O-Lanterns, discount bags of candy, and costume parties to name a few.  November was a lead up to Thanksgiving.  Butterballs being offered for pennies on the pound, turkey decorations, and if you were really into history maybe the occasional Puritan standing pat with his musket wearing his capotain (Google that word, it’s legit) and guarding your front porch from some stray squirrel or a British Aristocrat.

deer

“I’ve got my own problems, screw some fed up turkeys, tell them to dodge shotguns all weekend when deer season opens!”

These days, shelves are cleaned out before Halloween is even over, and it’s fake Christmas trees and candy canes for sale from the aforementioned retail mafia.  Tom Turkey has promised me one of his finest turkeys for my yearly Thanksgiving feast if I brought attention to the Turkey Revolution going down this month.  I always aim to please and love a well prepared turkey so I was more than happy to oblige.

bear

“What liquored up turkey thought this was a good idea, by the way has anybody seen my missing brother that was running loose in Indiana this past summer?” 

Walmart look out, the oversized birds are mobilized this year and ready to drop more than the mic in your 8,000,000 locations throughout America.  Radio stations throughout the country that have decided to go to non-stop Christmas music from now until New Years, good luck getting out on the airwaves.  Tom Turkey has informed me that they have a whole fleet of heirs from the Japanese kami-kaze turkey brigade ready to dive bomb your broadcast towers in the name of all things turkey!

geese

“It’s getting too freaking hostile around here about time to head south to Florida for a few months, nothing crazy ever happens in Florida!”

Year-round Christmas stores, your number is up in November from now on.  Never piss off a bird that is bigger than your little elves.  The media may not be reporting it, but as I type this, retail elves all over the country are being rounded up by rogue turkeys and forced to watch Cleveland Browns football games until they repent their sins.  The harder nuts to crack are going to be shipped off to watch endless loops of political commercials.

snakes

Snake #1:  “I think it’s about time to go underground for awhile”

Snake #2-200:  Hissing in unison

This November not only are we electing a president, we are going back to common sense.  I know Jesus’s little birthday bash came well before a few Indians and European descendants had themselves a grand feast that grew into Thanksgiving.  I’ve seen it all over the internet that “Jesus loves” well how about a little love for Thanksgiving again.  I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t love having his birthday cannibalized into a 60-90 day retail orgy!

fox

“They say I’m crazy, nothing is crazier than a bunch of overweight birds thinking they are going to topple the North Pole!”

So this November the choice is clear.  Send Tom Turkey and his rag tag band of birds back to the forefront in the November holiday pecking order!  Or otherwise face the wrath of The Turkey Revolution and don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Ever been hit in the head with a turkey turd?  I’m guessing probably not!

turkey2

“Be berry berry quiet..I’m huntin’ rabbit….err make that elves!”

This post was sponsored and approved by The Turkey Coalition and its partners, plus I get  a big ass turkey for Thanksgiving as compensation!

BJ’s wholesale website - DHGate.com
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38 Comments

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  3. LOL. The links you attached are killing me! 😂😂😂 I am from Chicago and moved to Florida. The ‘crazy’ link is the best. 😂😂😂

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  5. Huh? I think you are confused: turkeys ARE FOR CHRISTMAS, so there is no issue here! After Halloween, Christmas starts. It takes two months to do Christmas right (three if you count refusing to accept Christmas being over for most of January). At Christmas, one eats turkey. The turkeys are part of the Christmas preparations. I will not have you upstarts with your new countries and silly extra holidays suggesting that Christmas preparations should be pushed back! That’s crazy talk!

  6. I agree that Jesus surely does not like the way our culture celebrates his birth.
    Also, I like my holidays one at a time, and yes, turkey before ho ho ho, thank you very much!
    Enjoy your juicy bird! 😀

  7. Snake number 2-200. Hysterical.

  8. I couldn’t help but chuckle throughout this post. I absolutely adore your sense of humor. I agree that it’s time that the Tom Turkey and his friends were recognized, rather than ignored for the Christmas celebration. Everyone deserves some time in the limelight.

    Enjoy that turkey!

  9. I am a big fan of the turkey dinner and all things Thanksgiving and definitely think it has gotten the shaft. Big business hasn’t figure out how to make billions on Thanksgiving however so it is forever straddled between two heavy hitters. Glad you are taking up for them Gary!

  10. I completely agree that we need to hold off Christmas until after Thanksgiving. I’m rather terrified of live turkeys, but oh are they tasty!

  11. LOL, but so totally with you and the turkeys on Thanksgiving getting the short shrift in favor of marked down flat screens!

  12. I cant think of a comment. I am too freaked out by the snake picture! LOL!!

  13. This post pretty accurately sums up my thoughts about the holidays. I’m not a fan of them. They stress me out. Christmas music makes me want to stab myself in the throat.

    Oh, and holidays as a single person are a nightmare. Not because they’re actually sad, but because I just get looked at with so much… pity. Friends and family concern troll me.

    I can’t wait for summer.

  14. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Australia and unfortunately Turkeys are slowly being ignored in favour of their crustacean friends – prawns. It is too hot on Christmas Day to cook so the turkeys are safe. We do have wild turkeys though!

  15. This post is so bigly I can hardly handle it. I agree, I don’t want to see Christmas decorations up on Nov. 1st anymore. Enough is enough!

  16. In France, turkeys are fearless. We do not celebrate Thanksgiving and we do not eat Turkeys for Christmas. We eat oysters, on every occasion.

  17. Have never had the tree up at home until after Thanksgiving, and I refuse to give credence to the unwieldy Christmas adverts before then.
    However – Tom still would have problems in my house … we dine on chicken. Though maybe he would favor my place – he would certainly be safe enough.

  18. So I am not the only one that thinks Christmas trees should not be put up until after Thanksgiving? Was just happy they didn’t start pushing Christmas right aftter people sobered up from New Year’s day! Seems like it is getting that bad now!

    Love Thanksgiving too much to skip it! Pumpkin Pies are the only type of pie I eat. Have to make sure I do not overdose on cranberry sauce again this year. Had a severe allergic reaction to ingesting too much cranberry sauce last year. Since getting epi pens is damn near impossible these days have to be more careful this year!

    Just make sure Tom doesn’t get overly excited when he sees your affection for you daughter out weighs him! Face it, your little girl is first in your heart.

  19. We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in the UK but turkey rules the roost over Christmas from roast turkey & trimmings on Xmas Day to turkey curry and cold turkey slices with mashed potato & pickles on Boxing Day! Enjoy your bird! 😊

  20. The turkeys sound serious this time. I’m worried about what’s going to happen next. My only hope may be to stay drunk until January.

  21. Wasn’t sure where the post was going, but it had me laughing and enjoying nonetheless. You really getting a turkey for it? That’s freaking awesome! What’s not awesome would be watching the Browns play….ugh.

Tell Skipah all about it!