“Tom Turkey is calling! Regulatorsssssss…Mount up!”
There is a revolution about to go down. Details at the moment are sketchy at best, but something yuge is about to happen I’m hearing from my animal sources. According to Twitter, it might even be bigly! No, I’m not talking about the upcoming Royal Rumble between Clinton and Trump supporters. I’m talking about the Turkey Revolution! This would be the winged turkeys, not some sort of coup in Istanbul, or is it Constantinople , I get confused sometimes.
Goat #1: “Did you hear about the Turkey Revolution, evidently the turkey’s are ticked off!”
Goat #2: “Does it really matter, we live on a freaking roof there hasn’t been a turkey this high since Woodstock.”
I know you are already assuming, “Oh great, they must have upped Skipah’s meds again. Here he goes with some wild ass conspiracy theory. Granted my caffeine intake has been a little higher than normal lately, but that’s about the only chemical abnormality going on with me right now. No, I’ve got solid intel from Tom Turkey that he and his gang of gobblers are fed up to the hilt about not getting their due in November and are ready to take the month back by storm. Kris Kringle, go kick rocks, your hostile takeover of November is coming to an end according to my well-placed informants in the forest.
Run for your life! The turkeys are coming!
A quick timeline for everyone before the retail mafia began feasting on all the zombies that eat Christmas cheer up like a pound a bacon for breakfast. Back in my day, October belonged to all things Halloween. Jack-O-Lanterns, discount bags of candy, and costume parties to name a few. November was a lead up to Thanksgiving. Butterballs being offered for pennies on the pound, turkey decorations, and if you were really into history maybe the occasional Puritan standing pat with his musket wearing his capotain (Google that word, it’s legit) and guarding your front porch from some stray squirrel or a British Aristocrat.
“I’ve got my own problems, screw some fed up turkeys, tell them to dodge shotguns all weekend when deer season opens!”
These days, shelves are cleaned out before Halloween is even over, and it’s fake Christmas trees and candy canes for sale from the aforementioned retail mafia. Tom Turkey has promised me one of his finest turkeys for my yearly Thanksgiving feast if I brought attention to the Turkey Revolution going down this month. I always aim to please and love a well prepared turkey so I was more than happy to oblige.
“What liquored up turkey thought this was a good idea, by the way has anybody seen my missing brother that was running loose in Indiana this past summer?”
Walmart look out, the oversized birds are mobilized this year and ready to drop more than the mic in your 8,000,000 locations throughout America. Radio stations throughout the country that have decided to go to non-stop Christmas music from now until New Years, good luck getting out on the airwaves. Tom Turkey has informed me that they have a whole fleet of heirs from the Japanese kami-kaze turkey brigade ready to dive bomb your broadcast towers in the name of all things turkey!
“It’s getting too freaking hostile around here about time to head south to Florida for a few months, nothing crazy ever happens in Florida!”
Year-round Christmas stores, your number is up in November from now on. Never piss off a bird that is bigger than your little elves. The media may not be reporting it, but as I type this, retail elves all over the country are being rounded up by rogue turkeys and forced to watch Cleveland Browns football games until they repent their sins. The harder nuts to crack are going to be shipped off to watch endless loops of political commercials.
Snake #1: “I think it’s about time to go underground for awhile”
Snake #2-200: Hissing in unison
This November not only are we electing a president, we are going back to common sense. I know Jesus’s little birthday bash came well before a few Indians and European descendants had themselves a grand feast that grew into Thanksgiving. I’ve seen it all over the internet that “Jesus loves” well how about a little love for Thanksgiving again. I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t love having his birthday cannibalized into a 60-90 day retail orgy!
“They say I’m crazy, nothing is crazier than a bunch of overweight birds thinking they are going to topple the North Pole!”
So this November the choice is clear. Send Tom Turkey and his rag tag band of birds back to the forefront in the November holiday pecking order! Or otherwise face the wrath of The Turkey Revolution and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Ever been hit in the head with a turkey turd? I’m guessing probably not!
“Be berry berry quiet..I’m huntin’ rabbit….err make that elves!”
This post was sponsored and approved by The Turkey Coalition and its partners, plus I get a big ass turkey for Thanksgiving as compensation!