The Wedding Crasher

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Howdy ya’ll, excuse the grammar I spent way too much time in the Commonwealth of Kentucky this weekend.  The Skipah’s traveling road show this weekend put him in Milton, KY.  Nobody in their right mind would claim to be from this city.  Milton consists of a Subway, Dairy Queen, two gas stations, and is the home for tobacco, gifts, t-shirts, lottery, and gas.  That’s it!  If I would have died there this weekend it might have been Wednesday before anybody knew about it.  It’s kind of sad really, because they have a walking bridge connected to Madison, Indiana and literally there isn’t a freaking thing to do there!

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Welcome to Milton, KY! 

With all that being said though Milton is home to the Richwood Plantation B & B Inn.  The wedding I was attending was being celebrated there and this quite possibly might have been the most extravagant ceremony I’ve ever attended.  In an unrelated note the bride’s father is currently looking for a third or fourth job now to cover the cost of this ceremony.  I have no idea what the price tag was, but when you are offering blackened salmon on the menu and waiters are running around throwing trays of hors d’oeuvres in your face you can bet your ass it wasn’t cheap!  Throw in a four string quartet and a limited open bar and I’m guessing the GDP of Milton, KY just tripled in one night alone!

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Mashed potato bar was the best idea ever!

The night all in all was beyond pleasant.  I arrived way to early and Miss Madison had to fulfill her obligatory commitments for being in the wedding party (Pictures, hair, make-up, more pictures), so an afternoon of Diet Dr. Pepper and the Little League World Series kept me occupied until the wedding.  The wedding itself was an outdoor treat and god or somebody was looking out for the newlywed couple because personally I think you have to be insane to have an August wedding outdoors in this area!  Temps were in the low 80s though and the humidity was manageable so everything turned out in their favor.  I actually admired this couple on the party favors at all the tables it encouraged visitors to take pictures and put them on Instagram or Twitter with a couple of hashtags they had chosen for the wedding.

I’m guessing they didn’t know they had the number one blogger in New Albany, Indiana who lives for social media.  I sent out one tweet with their hashtag, before I realized I was in Kentucky and as of this writing the bounty on my head is 250,000 thousand dollars in the state according to the info Hammy told me before I left that he learned on the dark net.  So I only sent out the one tweet, but I thought that idea was ingenious!  I remember many a wedding were little disposable cameras were stationed at every table and then the newlyweds would spend a shit load getting all the camera’s film developed.  It’s 2015 these days, photo developers are a dying breed, these two get how social media and hashtags work so I say kudos to them!  The most priceless thing about the evening was the bride’s father (currently applying for jobs at area Walmart call centers I hear) was dropping Kentuckian jokes left and right when he gave his speech.  It was beautiful!  I think the hatred of Kentuckians in Madison, Indiana is much greater than any I have or anybody else has in New Albany, Indiana.  After spending a day in Milton though and mingling with the locals at the gas station I can see why.  Louisville is at least civilized!

Miss Madison looked beautiful and me getting to say I was her date at the event was one of my prouder moments.  I was told I “nailed” my choice in my shirt and tie, met her parents and sister and that build up to meeting her father wasn’t nearly as excruciating as I thought it would be.  Her sister and brother in law are cooler than a late autumn evening and Miss Madison’s mother should be on the Mr. Rushmore of women for what she does for others!  I was told Miss Madison’s father doesn’t lose at Trivial Pursuit, I think my record is somewhere in the 2532 wins against 12 losses so there might have to be an epic showdown in the future.  All in all though I had a great time and made it out of Kentucky alive!20150829_232213-1

My new Facebook profile pic for anyone that cares.

Picked up the blonde bomber today and she was still on a grandma buzz that lasted all day.  We passed on the walking bridge today for another activity she loves dearly…namely fishing!  She even asked if Miss Madison and her kids could join us this afternoon for some recreational watching of Skipah untangling a fishing line, baiting a hook, and touching any fish that were caught.  Miss Madison and company were more than willing to head over to my neck of the woods to do some pre-adolescent angling.  Luckily the fish were biting today and Sloane and junior Miss Madison had a blast catching fish.  Even I wetted a line a couple of times and landed a couple of decent bass.  Those two girls are now looking forward to me fishing with them in Lake Michigan next month.  Lake Michigan versus a quarry pond yeah that doesn’t sound too daunting or anything.  One body of water you can’t even see across, the other I can cast to damn near any point on it from the dock.  No pressure or anything!  Seeing Sloane and her daughter hit it off like a couple of conniving teenagers though makes my heart melt.

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He fought much harder than he looked!

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What fish doesn’t want his own selfie?

About it for tonight, it’s been an unbelievable weekend for me, and after witnessing everything with my daughter today I’m only smiling bigger.  That little girl means more to me than anything on earth, and after she told me she’s happy for me tonight I almost wanted to cry tears of joy.  She’s been through hell and back herself since last year but is too young to know it.  Unless Miss Madison learns of my former life as a safe cracker and moonshiner I don’t see anything derailing our relationship anytime soon, and the fact Sloane has taken to her daughter as a BFF and absolutely adores Miss Madison is only icing on the cake.  I will never forget this conversation we had roughly a year ago, and to say kids are resilient is the understatement of the year!

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35 Comments

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  2. That does sound like an extravagant wedding! I briefly imagined that a ‘mashed potato bar’ was like a sushi bar – some kind of (probably rotating) bar containing multiple different types of mashed potato to select (not quite sure what I thought these were – lumpy & smooth?). I have now pulled myself together & decided it is more likely the mashed potato was arranged in a bar shape.

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  4. The town I went to school in as a kid had only ONE stop light (the type that is only red). Not even a true stop light. No Subway, Dairy Queen, or even anything resembling a Walmart. Residents there get confused about having to stop at the red light!

    Have heard it has grown a little since I left home back in 1991. More crime and racial problems. Glad I am long gone!

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  9. Guess we’re almost family… my little brother lives in Jeffersonville!! 😉

  10. What an amazing weekend! You met M’s family, went to a fun wedding and then had a phenomenal time fishing with Sloane and gang. So happy for you. Sounds like lots of great things have been coming your way! Woohoo!

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  14. Hey, Gary! It’s been awhile… good to see you having fun! (even in a place that had ‘nothin’ goin’ on )

    I’ve been in a crazy whirl-wind of activity. My life is all over the place these days and I haven’t been able to spend much time blogging.

    I’m trying to get back in the grove. Looks like you had a bunch of new followers, huh? Lots of people liking your posts. You go, dude.

    Talk at you soon.
    Sandi

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  16. Cool! Glad everything worked so well! Miss Madison is pretty, and Sloane is gorgeous! The fish- eh.

  17. Fish always run from me… I don’t think they like selfies!

  18. Sorry, just assumed you knew how to read the label, as you should for anything you’re going to eat! 🙂

  19. My goodness, sir, how handsome you look in purple. Isn’t Miss Madison the lucky one. 🙂

  20. After laughing at the four string quartet, I had to laugh at Hammy and the dark net!
    Also, a mashed potato bar should be a thing everywhere. But then I’d still want grits. Then I’d need to be air-lifted out…

  21. Subway and Dairy Queen – I could at least spend a day there!! Those are my two favorites (for the subs obviously and the the Oreo Blizzard!!)

    Looks like things are progressing with Miss Madison! (Just remember what happened last time you fell in “love”)

    • It’s all good with Miss Madison, I’m cautiously optimistic. You wouldn’t want to spend to much time at those two locations in that part of the world good chance you would get accosted.

  22. That really was a nice wedding! Did you take any leftovers back home? Kidding…..kinda.

    And I bet that cool NuttZo shirt helped with catching the fish! Glad all went well man!

    • No leftovers LOL, NuttZo definitely helped. By the way why didn’t you tell me to put that stuff in the fridge after opening it!!!!!! I’m new to this “natural” stuff.

  23. I tend to like peeking in on blogs and yours was so full of photos and personal references. I enjoyed this so much. 🙂

Tell Skipah all about it!