Not since the time that Mrs. Kingsford was caught in the local neighborhood park with someone not named Mr. Kingsford setting her charcoal ablaze has southern Indiana been abuzz like it is these days! Hell, I cancelled a flight to New York to do an impromptu interview with Time Magazine on father’s rights to stay home and follow the action. What is all this commotion I speak of? Southern Indiana has suddenly become a safe haven for a wild bear!
Obviously I didn’t take this picture, it’s courtesy of this website.
Chill out northwestern residents, the most exotic wildlife in my part of the state is a white tail deer, and they are usually filling out insurance adjustment claims with Jake from State Farm after once again impeding the forward advancement of an automobile on local and state highways. Our wildlife is so boring Doctor Dolittle doesn’t even visit here anymore. Then along comes Buddy the Black Bear. Buddy evidently was also so wrapped up with Pokemon Go that he zigged instead of zagging and actually swam across the mighty Ohio River from Kentucky to land on the shores of Indiana. Either that or he and his buddies hijacked a Wi-Fi connection and read about all the wonderful things I’ve said about Kentucky, and he decided to get the hell out of there.
After seeing this video I need to get a drone!
For the record, this is only the second known bear sighting in over a 100 years in the Hoosier State. The last one being some bear drunk on cherry vodka from Michigan that was recreating his own scene from the Jimmy Buffett classic “God’s Own Drunk.” It apparently gave border patrol the slip (yes, we have border patrol against unruly Michiganders), and wondered around aimlessly for a while before sobering up and returning home to Michigan to forage for more cherry vodka and search Itunes for the live version (click it, you will not be disappointed) of said Jimmy Buffett song.
Skipah’s PSA for the day, NEVER encounter a bear drunk on cherry vodka!
Other than a once in a lifetime event, things have been rather mundane in the Skipahsphere. My number one princess and I have been holding down the fort at the Skipah’s Realm headquarters. Miss Madison in all her academic glory was accepted into some secret society for teachers this week at the Harry S. Truman Library in Independence, Missouri. I asked her to wear a “I puffy heart Thomas Dewey” while she was there and all I got in return was 17 eye rolls and six head shakes. History teachers and their lack of a sense of humor at times! I may or may not have gotten the look when I asked her to get me a copy of the Hiroshima documents so I could put them on Ebay.
She must be feeling very rebellious since Mr. Skipah isn’t around her this week, as she even ventured out and flat cheated on me by taking in a Kansas City Royals game the other evening! No, she didn’t meet up for drinks with Eric Hosmer or suddenly turn into Millie from Bull Durham, but once she committed grand larceny on my heart, she had to take an allegiance to one thing! Cincinnati Reds or bust! There is no in between! Yes, the Reds suck worse than a cheap hooker this year, but dammit the Royals did for 30 years before the last couple of seasons. I haven’t felt this violated since my last dentist’s visit!
I kid because I care. If I had free tickets to a baseball game (even the St. Louis Cardinals), I’m there tomorrow! I don’t care if it’s Little League, a chilly evening at a Double A venue, or the Major Leagues, an evening at the ballpark is therapeutic and exciting. It’s a magical experience that doesn’t play out on a T.V. screen. Plus, there are ballpark nachos, and you can’t ever go wrong with those!
Nothing beats watching this All-Star play!
Back here in historic Madison, Indiana, Sloane has taken it upon herself to get Karma housebroken. The $20.00 reward offered by Miss Madison before departure is serving as quite the motivational tool. Even read up on the internet the best methods. In two days, we’ve had zero fecal matter clean up, however, our carpet has been getting sprinkled better than a lawn covered by True-Green. Do puppies have a 30-gallon bladder wrapped up in their body like a human small intestine? So we are on the right path (I think), and Sloane has been asking hourly if Miss Madison is really going to pay her an Andrew Jackson for teaching the dog how to go do her business outside. I’ll say one thing about my little offspring, she’s determined!
I’m innocent! Lies all lies!
On a more positive note, Karma and Sloane have bonded quite nicely. Sloane barks admonishment at her for not listening and the dog just sits down and drops those puppy dog eyes at her. Our evening walks have been quite enjoyable, though, and Karma has already adopted a gait that would make the snobs at the Westminster Kennel Club green with envy, knowing that an eight-year-old girl was able to do it on her first try after about five minutes. Blueberry Muffin has even chimed in to help by talking trash all while hiding behind her protective cage. To say life is good would be an understatement.
Not pictured: Muffin flipping Karma the bird and mooning her.
About it for now, I’m actively shopping for bear treats on Amazon and looking for a human sized Winnie the Pooh costume. I want to meet this critter, what better way than to assimilate to his culture? My folksy Midwestern charm is on full alert, we have a damn bear in the state! I want him/her to feel welcome and show them the finest neighborhoods in the area to raid trash cans. My first question once I encounter him/her is going to be, “Did you hear about that Michigan bear that drank shine with Jimmy Buffet?”