With Monty Hall retired and Drew Carey commanding a salary worthy of a perennial baseball all-star, the hard-working men and women at Hyper Mole recently reached out to me to see if I would work for a much cheaper rate to help their client Brentwood Home get some footing in the online game show industry. I’ve been hired to get as many contestants as possible to join their new game show “Win Your Own Bundle.” So, without further ado, lets gets the festivities started.
Good evening, everyone! I hope your weekend is off to a great start and thank you for playing in the inaugural Win Your Own Bundle contest presented by Brentwood Home. I’m Skipah, and I’m working without a script, so eat your heart out Pat Sajak! Today’s contestants are residents (or at least have mailing addresses) in the United States. All 50 states are eligible and that includes those Washington D.C. elites in the District of Columbia.
The object of the contest is quite simple: I’m going to list five items up for grabs from Brentwood Home and all you must do is enter in the contest below and in three short weeks some lucky contestant is going to be crowned Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss Brentwood 2016, which will make you the envy of all your friends at the next PTA meeting. So, rub your favorite talisman and start tucking your lucky rabbit’s foot in your hip pocket, because you are going to be more excited about what Brentwood is offering for the grand prize winner than the last time you got a pay raise at work.
Without further ado, let’s look at what is behind the magic curtains. Behind curtain # 1….
Feeling stressed out lately? Then the Holistic Wellness Bundle might be the answer for you. Whether you need to meditate or get your yoga on, this is possibly the answer for you after another week of being underappreciated by your boss and the kids have you contemplating the latest in birth control methods. Contents include one meditation/yoga pillow that is filled buckwheat hulls. That alone will shoot you up at least 30 points in the meditation/yogi circles. Throw in an all-natural pillow stuffed with Kapok fibers and an aromatherapeutic candle, and relaxing in your sun room will never be the same.
Not into the mediation/yoga scene?
Well then, let’s proceed to Curtain #2…
Guess what, new parents, Brentwood Home is thinking of you! With their Baby Bundle, you get their poppy crib mattress that doubles as a toddler mattress when the time is right. One side is soft as your baby’s bottom for those early years, and, as they blossom into toddlers, just flip it over and you get more “firm” support for your growing loved one. Since all parents know of “accidents” in the middle of the night, they have you covered “literally” with a waterproof cover that is easy to clean. Even better for your baby is the Sweet Pea changing pad that contours to their backside and keeps you from wanting to shackle them down from wiggling when you are having to clean the unholiest of all messes after another diaper mishap that has you contemplating why you had a child in the first place. Of course, your baby/toddler will be sleeping in pure comfort on chemical free materials.
What was that Maria in the third row? You are well past the baby/toddler days and now that your little terrors child(ren) have moved out of the sippy cup stage, your carpet looks like a crime scene from juice stains and smeared candy?
Let’s look behind Curtain #3…
Instead of threating to run over your offspring with the carpet shampooer, send them to their room to read the latest in children’s literature after you win your very own Kids Space Bundle. Included is a kids Venice Lounger that is constructed of non-toxic polyurethane and gel memory foam. Hopefully, after a few Dr. Seuss books, they are super comfortable and at ease and if shut eye is in their immediate future, they can rest their weary head on the 100% organic Lily Pad pillow that comes with this bundle. Your nerves, and more importantly your carpet, will be more than happy you chose this!
Another question from the audience? Your name? Sammy from Little Rock, Arkansas? You say you never had any kids and went through life as a dog person?
Well let’s see what is behind Curtain #4…
Do you prefer some canine comfort, but sick of your German Shepherd treating your bed like it is his/her own? Brentwood Home thinks you should reclaim your bed and, even better, with their Pets Bundle you can. Your little Fido will sleep like Snow White before her prince graced her with a kiss. Rumor has it that your dog will fall so hard for their new Runyon Dog Bed, you are going to have to beg them with a T-bone just to get them to cuddle with you again. Even better, if your canine friend found your leftover hot wings on the counter and had to do their “thing” in their new bed, the cover is removable, washable and in extreme cases replaceable. Pet odors and stains will instead be relegated to other areas of the house instead of their sleeping abode. Hopefully your furry friend is housebroken and doesn’t seek solace in your bed when these accidents happen!
Cue the commercial break. This is Skipah and although I can’t say it yet, in the not too distant future, I’m sure I’m going to highly endorse Brentwood Home when I receive my own personal bundle (I told you I work cheaper than Drew Carey), now back to our regular scheduled programming.
While at the break I received a telegram from Jimmy in Flagstaff, Arizona. His question was: I think meditation/yoga is something only popular in Florida and California. I’m 59 years old and I would rather drink antifreeze than deal with a baby. My son is 32 years old and married to his high school sweetheart so my “kid” days have long passed. My wife is allergic to dogs and even on some days to me. So why in the world would I want to participate in this contest?
Alright, Jimmy, let’s take a peek behind Curtain #5…
If none of the previous four choices suit your fancy, then how about a checkup from the neck up? If you are lucky enough to be the grand prize winner, then maybe you will opt for the Sleep Wellness Bundle. Not one set, but two sets of Brentwood Home’s all natural pillows. You will receive two Helena Latex/Kapok Pillows and two Carmel Latex Molded Pillows. Your head and neck are more than likely going to be sending you Christmas cards once you fall asleep on these Eco-institute approved 100% all natural pillows.
So now that we have revealed what is behind the magic curtains it is up to you to get registered and entered. The Win Your Own Bundle Sweepstakes ends on December 10th, just enter as many time as you like via the entry form below and a winner will be randomly selected once the contest ends. Now back to my day job!