Two hundred pounds of Hooter’s hot wings…check
Six kegs of various domestic brews……check
The best in entertainment from the weird and wild folks at Singles on Main Street lined up…. check
Wisconsin State Police motorcade route planned……check
No, this isn’t some wild Charlie Sheen launch party, it’s the blueprint for Skipah’s upcoming bachelor party the last weekend of June. OUCH!!!!!!!!! Dammit, Miss Madison, I told you that the replica Thor’s Hammer I bought at Super Nerds ‘R Us last fall was only to be seen and not used! Hold on……o.k. I think I’m down to just seeing the north star right now instead of the whole galaxy. So much for some bachelor party humor!
Not sure if this is the version of apple to keep the doctor way, but what do I know is Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity, I discovered a hole in my socks this morning.
That previous clip was sponsored by Johnson and Johnson Band -Aids and extra strength Tylenol. I guess we could do one of those “trendy” couple bachelor/bachelorette parties instead. You know where all the guys stand around in a corner comparing how far up their balls have been clipped because too many stories of bachelor parties of yore have come out. I blame Facebook!
Just kidding of course, I’m old now. A bachelor party for me would be a few buds sitting around a fire and bitching about the Cincinnati Reds and reminiscing about some of the crazy crap we did when we were younger. With apologies to the pack of ladies in New England that were ready to roll out the red carpet for Miss Madison and me, our ceremony isn’t going to take place in Newport, Rhode Island.
Instead it’s back to our old badger hunting grounds of Door County, Wisconsin. For those of you that are new around here, Miss Madison’s family has a bayside front seat to the mighty Green Bay at a generations old cottage in dairy land. It’s beautiful, quaint, and has ample fuel for another legendary conflagration (big word of the day) to ring in our nuptials.
I make Nazi book burnings look amateurish!
Personally, I’m like give me a day and a time and I’ll be there in my Sunday best. Unfortunately, the X chromosome from ages nine to 900 think different about these things. Sloane and her accomplice Miss Madison Jr. have had this day circled for over a year. Miss Madison herself is so confident in her frugal ninja skills that we can have a seven-billion-dollar ceremony for 35 bucks. Thank you, Pinterest, is all I can say.
I did contribute my two cents on one thing, because I searched hard and long for the perfect company to purchase wedding invitations from. Paperless Post was the winning bidder out of roughly 83 companies vying for exclusive sponsorship of the rights to Skipah’s wedding invitations. Staples was ready to sponsor the whole wedding, but I am still mad at them for a Chinese manufactured wireless mouse I purchase from them years ago that they wouldn’t take back for a return. Screw you, Staples, my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be but I still remember arguing with Loretta the assistant to the assistant about returning that piece of crap from Logitech. I told you I would be famous one day, dammit Miss Madison I know I’m not famous I’m just telling a story. Quit throwing steel tipped darts at me, it’s called creative writing. I’m sorry I won our latest match of Pub Darts-Ex Marks the Spot. Geez, quite the battle-axe I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with. Apparently, her aim hasn’t gotten any better, as I have no new puncture holes in my body from that barrage. I think the Swiss army has better aim.
For those of you scoring at home that is two violent attacks on me while I sit defenseless at a keyboard. It’s O.K. I still love her. I’m also live blogging on the dark net now and the masses want to know when we are going to say “I do.” Chill out LD ShadowLady, July 1st is the day you can mark down on your calendar. If you don’t know who she is, I didn’t either until I got involved with a kid who thinks YouTube is the same thing as Direct TV. I still think of Minesweeper when I hear the game Minecraft. Watching me botch LD ShadowSpud XL name all the time, puts Miss Madison Jr. into hysterics.
I’m trying to talk the Coast Guard into letting me hold the reception here. Can you imagine shooting bottle rockets from the top of a lighthouse?
Miss Madison and the gang will already be in America’s eleven month a year winter paradise otherwise known as Minnesota for some centurion birthday love with her grandma. That means Sloane and I are going to be flying the friendly skies of United. For me it is kind of bittersweet, after the fiasco at O’Hare airport last month, they felt bad and threw some air bucks at me for a future flight. Those air bucks are more than going to cover the cost of a direct flight to Madison, Wisconsin for rendezvous with the Madisonians. I think Sloane is more excited to fly for the first time, than to see one of her parents get married.
Sloane wasn’t invited to the front porch humdinger her other parent held, hell I think nobody was. I promised her a long time ago if I ever got married she would be there and prominently involved. Knock out her first plane ride that she has been craving, and that’s a winner winner chicken dinner in my book. I hope the Dad of the Year committee is keeping tabs!
So, clear up those calendars the wedding of the century is about to go down July 1st. It could be something worthy of the DIY hall of fame in Tulsa, Oklahoma or it could rain all day. Either way it will be magical for all the right reasons.
Waterfront setting…. check
Sloane there…. check
Bonfire that makes Hindenburg explosion look amateur……. check
Friends and family……. check
Saying I do to Miss Madison……. check, but I can’t promise I won’t have my fingers crossed behind my back.
Miss Madison, you are hurting me! It was a joke, ok a bad joke but a joke nonetheless. I know you have been working out on your new tapdancing board, but how about we take those shoes off before you go all Fred Astaire on the back of my head! I’ll take the abuse any day from my soon to be bride. She laughs at my dad jokes, doesn’t laugh at my self-deprecating jokes, and is my number one fan!
Dad, that joke wasn’t funny the first time or the 200th time!
A quick update on #SloaneSupportsStJudes, thanks to blogger nation she has hit the $300.00 threshold. She and the kiddos get to humiliate me in a future online video. I’m not humiliated in the bit though, I’m proud of her for telling me about it since I was her only hope to participate, and all of you that have donated and shared on social media all I can say is I am truly humbled and in debt to each one of you. My daughter is the top fundraiser at her school currently and some of these kids had a two-week head start. The real winner is St. Jude’s and something that was an afterthought for her last Friday has turned into a cause. To date, 80% of the money she has raised is from all of you, she was so jacked about it she finished all her Math-A-Thon problems in one day. I love that kid and her unselfishness when it comes to helping others.
About it for now, wait until you hear about Skipah the cultural gangster. He learned a new genre of cooking recently and can’t wait to tell you about it. It’s delicious and produces more gas(oline) than a refinery in Saudi Arabia. Of course, it was Miss Madison’s idea, because she knows me better than I know myself.