Hot dogs are slimy, let me begin…I wish I was an Oscar Meyer………Holy crap I just looked up the lyrics this is a love song!
- a moist, soft, and slippery substance, typically regarded as repulsive. “the cold stone was wet with slime”
You know what I used to do when I was a pre-teen? Climb trees, throw rocks in the lake, torment my little sister, ride my bike all over the fruited plain, and a bunch of other stuff that could possibly open an FBI investigation if mentioned. You know what I didn’t do? Make homemade slime! What in the hell has happened to today’s youth and this stupid, idiotic, fad of making slime with some standard household ingredients?
Look, I’m all for today’s future adults becoming scientists, just not mad scientists! I mean if they want to experiment; try figuring out why every spring when the annual pollen orgy is taking place, I go through Kleenex like I own stock in its parent company. Even better, figure out why my ankle pops like a bowl of Rice Krispsies anytime I decide to take a step. Use this creative energy and do some good in the world, instead of using a bottle of Elmer’s like a kids art project gone wrong. Hell, the marketing geniuses at Elmer’s have started adding food coloring to their glue and calling it “slime” glue.
This whole phenomenon is crazier than an imaginary lovechild of Lavar Ball & Lindsay Lohan! If you don’t know who those two are, find your nearest Google search engine device and have yourself a good read or two. These two are beyond the “batshit” crazy zone, Webster is currently in high-level discussions to come up with the correct term.
What is in this homemade slime you are probably wondering? If you have kids born in the last six years or have some currently learning what acne is, you are exempt from public ridicule, the rest of us, send bourbon (top shelf preferably) to us until this fad vanishes! Varying sites give varying “recipes” but in a nutshell: Glue, saline solution, baking soda, bakind soda or Borax (although apparently, this isn’t a healthy way to go), and shaving cream. I may have missed something in there, but who really freaking cares. My daughter has only “dabbled” in it to date, my stepdaughter Miss Madison Jr. is currently in the process of finding herself homeless with her mother and me if this craze doesn’t end soon! Settle down Indiana Child Protective Services, we actually have a basement in our new home, so she won’t be homeless per se, but I might accidentally lose the padlock to the door!
Mr. Skipah comes home and sees his stepdaughter crying, and immediately I begin to think “the change,” has struck our household or maybe LD Shadow Lady finally retired (don’t get me started on that fraud). Nope, apparently, it is another slime experiment gone wrong. We are talking epic meltdowns not seen since the last time your overtired kid refused to go to sleep. Miss Madison (teacher appreciation week, Miss Madison loves virtual high fives) has almost gone blind because her contact solution has suddenly come up missing! I’ve had to resort to “off” brands of shaving cream because the “good” stuff ends up crashing another slime party that I was not aware of! Nevermind their has been enough baking soda residue left around to make it look like we are high level cocaine dealers around here!
I’m reaching out to my little youth buddies, this is what the back of your car will look like when you grow older if you don’t stop making slime!
Now if your kid is a rebel and uses Borax in their recipes, make sure they don’t eat it. As any parent knows, kids can be pretty freaking stupid at times. If you would like to one day be a grandparent though, not the best idea to let your kid ingest this compound known as sodium tetraborate. Rule of thumb in my house, if it sounds like it’s bad to eat, then it’s probably bad for you. I’ve made it 41 years so far by staying away from pickled beets. You have no idea how nasty those words were to type!
Even better, some dorky YouTubers started making “glitter” slime and broadcasting it all over the interwebs. First off, their moms and dads need to be featured guests in a public stoning (as do most kid YouTubers parents), if they survive that then they need to receive glitter bombs until they burn up six vacuums and go bald washing it out of their hair. Of course, my stepdaughter, who has a YouTube addiction that would make Charlie Sheen blush, tried out this fabled “pearl” of the slime world. After yet another failed experiment, our house quickly looked like a stripper poker party gone wrong! I’m pretty sure anybody that visits our house lately wonders what Miss Madison and I are up to when the kids aren’t home. Seriously, have you ever had glitter in your house? I think bedbugs are easier to get rid of!
On the off chance she actually gets one of these dumbass slime recipes right, then it gets stored in all the finest lunch containers we own. Most people use their favorite brand of plastic containers for leftovers to take their lunch in, not in this house, our’s houses various slime packages of differing elasticity for reasons I’ve still not fathomed. If I want to take some leftover pasta to enjoy my traditional second meal of the day while at work, I’m scrambling to find a bowl and Saran Wrap. Nevermind we purchased a Costco sized box of containers recently! If you are new to Costco or live under a rock, trust me that is a boatload of temporary food shelter! Except in our house it doubles as a three bedroom luxury suite at the Hilton for this stupid ass slime!
I’m pretty sure Costco doesn’t sell the 24 pack for 24 kinds of slime!
Supposedly it is to play with at a later date? Let me get this straight, Miss Madison Jr. is scared of mice, has to be threatened with a flogging (joke, joke, joke) to do dishes because of how “gross” they are, and will freak out if a bug lands on her, has no problem playing with something that is made out of the aforementioned ingredients. You threaten to throw her slime away though so you can pack a proper lunch, she suddenly becomes an imaginary employee of the month at any local cafeteria for her dishwashing prowess!
Unfortunately, or fortunately, I’m all for the kids to have a good time. Plus it’s not exactly the most expensive hobby in the world. I moan and groan about all the stupid stuff kids are into these days, and I’ll poke all the fun in the world at silly YouTubers until I run out of jokes to tell. If it was REALLY that big a deal, we as parents could always kill the YouTube watching that puts these zany ideals in their heads.
The previous paragraph was typed while being threatened with undergoing the Brazen Bull way of death from Miss Madison. If you don’t know what that is, click on that link, it’s straight up got medieval up in here! Actually, more like ancient Greece, but hey you get the picture. I was told I sound like “Get off my lawn” guy and need to remind everybody I love all children and whatever quirky things they are into. I will say I couldn’t ask for a better stepdaughter in the world, intelligent, witty, and I might have gone all Hollywood and took some creative liberties with this post…….might being the keyword here!
About it for now, apparently, we have another Elmer’s glue spill in aisle three. I’ve got to go retrieve my favorite shaving cream from its secret hiding space (Psst, don’t tell Miss Madison Jr., but it is under the kitchen sink with the Dawn liquid soap), and I’m off to pack my lunch using leftover bread bags and a rusted Thermos I just found in the garage!